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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

353 replies

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:07

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

OP posts:
CM1897 · 21/09/2023 19:26

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 17:30

As I’ve said before if SDs would rather share with a baby, or move into the box room so SS can share with the baby (which he’d love), I’m fine with that. In fact it’d be better for me because we’d keep the secondary reception room. Two kids in each bedroom is really not damaging or unfair. However, I strongly expect they’d prefer not to.

Ultimately I’ll leave it with SO to choose from two options: either the girls move downstairs to the bigger room, or the baby shares the middle-sized room upstairs. If he refuses both, which he won’t because he’s not mad, he’s welcome to move out and accommodate all his children as he wishes. I’m not paying a large mortgage to have my bedroom, the baby’s bedroom and the home office all in the same room whilst two bedrooms sit mostly empty.

Thanks to everyone who’s voted or commented - 78% agreeing with me is gratifying, and there’s always people who will disagree on here!

I agreed with you, but of course people will always disagree with you on here (and anywhere), because everyone is entitled to their own opinion when you post on a public forum, and everyone will have different ideas on what is ‘normal.’

you came across quite catty with that comment

CM1897 · 21/09/2023 19:40

It sounds as though you think your partner has no rights to your home if you separate. That isn’t the case, even if you don’t get married. He can also apply for an occupation order, and ask the court to remain in the property until your child reaches 18 years old

It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!
IncomingTraffic · 21/09/2023 19:45

Given he won’t be the primary carer and can’t afford the house (whereas the OP can), he’s not going to get an occupation order.

He is only entitled to the part of the house he owns (guessing it’s TiC with unequal shares) and the OP can buy him out or sell the house and buy something smaller for herself and the baby.

They’re not married so his ‘need’ to house the other children occasionally makes no difference.

The OP should most definitely not marry him though.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 19:51

TOLATA claims are also bloody expensive. By the sounds of things he can't afford it.

CM1897 · 21/09/2023 19:57

IncomingTraffic · 21/09/2023 19:45

Given he won’t be the primary carer and can’t afford the house (whereas the OP can), he’s not going to get an occupation order.

He is only entitled to the part of the house he owns (guessing it’s TiC with unequal shares) and the OP can buy him out or sell the house and buy something smaller for herself and the baby.

They’re not married so his ‘need’ to house the other children occasionally makes no difference.

The OP should most definitely not marry him though.

You’d be surprised. It’s all down to the judge you get on the day. Also what their financial situation is like if/when they separate.

Uklady23 · 22/09/2023 05:04

There's no rush for your baby to go in there own room. I don't think its safe for any of the children to sleep downstairs. IWhy don't you and your husband switch to the downstairs room and have all children sleep upstairs baring in mind your baby will likely sleep with you for atleast first year.

Mummyof32023 · 22/09/2023 06:55

Do you know what your having. SS really shouldn't be sharing with his sisters.

BookishBabe · 22/09/2023 06:56

I think I'd just have baby share with me until the extension was complete or we moved.

My DS stayed in with us until he was nearly 2.
We liked having him close and it was easier to settle him if he was right next to us.
I don't think it's absolutely imperative that a baby moves out of parents bedroom at 6 months.

Floralie222 · 22/09/2023 08:10

If they weren't your stepchildren but your own children, what would you do? I would do exactly that. If you would find yourself feeling differently in any way, then consider that this is how SO feels.

I would probably move stepchildren downstairs but with an offer to redecorate exactly as they want maybe with the addition of some videogames/whatever they want to make them feel special and like they're getting a treat out of it as well. Rather than making them feel like they are literally moving down in the pecking order. Especially if it's a smaller room.

If SO insists to keep things as they are then you'll need a chat about bringing the extension forward. He has to see he can't have it both ways.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2023 10:53

BookishBabe · 22/09/2023 06:56

I think I'd just have baby share with me until the extension was complete or we moved.

My DS stayed in with us until he was nearly 2.
We liked having him close and it was easier to settle him if he was right next to us.
I don't think it's absolutely imperative that a baby moves out of parents bedroom at 6 months.

This really depends on the parent, some like having their child in with them, some hate it. You might decide this doesn't take priority but I think all the people saying along the lines of "what's the problem, you'll love having them in with you til they're 4 like I did" need to realise that many would not, at all. I'm with the kids all day, I value my space at night for my own sanity.

stichguru · 22/09/2023 16:08

If there are 3 bedrooms upstairs, there's no problem. It's your bedroom - you, hubby and baby, bedroom 1 - 2 older girls, bedroom 2 - younger girl. Then when baby is too old to share your room, she or he moves in with the current youngest child.

readyspaghetti · 22/09/2023 18:07

Please what is a SO????

NixieDust · 22/09/2023 19:00

We have DSD’s with us every other weekend, we live in a 2 bed house and have a 6Month old DS. We plan to move next year into a bigger house but for now DS sleeps in our room when we have DSD’s and sleeps in “his room” when we don’t. Is this something that is possible? No one gives up their room but baby will be with you for first 6 months anyway and then moving forward is there a room their cot can go in that they can “share” with one of your step children and you can bring baby in with you when you have the SC ? It’s not ideal but could possibly work until you have another room

Cazareeto1 · 22/09/2023 19:21

I would let the olds step daughter get the room down the stairs and say it’s a glow up room, let her pick out the colour and decoration of the room a month or so before you inform them baby on way. Take the sting out for older ones, DH should know that baby/toddler can not be on a different floor to parents very dangerous

Cazareeto1 · 22/09/2023 19:22

Meant to say oldest

LalaPaloosa · 22/09/2023 20:12

Not at all. You need the baby nearby for night time wakings/feeds etc or your life is going to be very difficult. Not to mention the stress of not having the baby nearby.

Owl55 · 23/09/2023 02:04

Why can’t the 2 girls share a room , the baby stays in your bedroom for first year and then shares a bedroom with s son ?

Nina1013 · 23/09/2023 14:15

LongLiveGoblingKing · 20/09/2023 11:04

Your step children do not live with you. They have a home with their mum, and in addition they need somewhere to sleep when they visit you. It's logical that the child who lives in the house gets the preferential bedroom.

This is coming from a step child. I never understand this need to make the children feel like they have two homes. I don't think it's beneficial mentally. They need somewhere to call home, and to feel comfortable and welcomes when they visit the other parent.

I’m not a step child but my son is. His stepmum was lovely and was very, very pushy with the idea of two homes etc (with the absolute kindest of intentions). It spectacularly backfired as he HATED it - wanted one home, one stable base and to visit them regularly. The relationship completely broke down when he was old enough to express his own viewpoint and this was one of his key points - he was absolutely ok with missing certain things etc as he wasn’t there all of the time. They weren’t ok with it and piled on the pressure, 2 homes, 2 everythings and it wasn’t what he wanted.

Juno84 · 23/09/2023 15:11

Hi, just to say that with the set up of my house we have both our children in rooms downstairs whilst we are in the bedroom upstairs. It’s not ideal, but it’s actually absolutely fine. My 3yo has one room and my 11mo has another.

It’s actually really convenient for getting them ready etc in the morning as everything is on one floor (no having to go up and downstairs) and we can hear any tears easily in the evenings while we are watching TV. (We have monitors too).

Our smoke alarms etc are tested, we always have our keys near the front and back doors for a fire exit etc etc.

I felt weird about being on a separate floor at first but it’s been fine. My 3 yo is very sensible and doesn’t come out of his room really. Hopefully my second will be as well behaved. We have a bathroom downstairs too. The door handles for the dining room and the kitchen are both up high and were out of my child’s reach until he turned 3 so he couldn’t access them unless v determined. Regardless, he knew he wasn’t allowed.

TBH, my concern would be protecting your step-children’s self-esteem and their worries etc, and their relationship with their new baby sibling. I feel like they are more important than your worries. They are about to have to endure a HUGE change, their daddy is about to have another baby with another woman and they will be feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions. Turfing them out of their bedroom to make way for the new baby isn’t going to foster happy healthy feelings.

You could mention it a few months down the line when the baby is approaching 6 months and will need their new room and phrase it like “we are going to make a new bedroom downstairs in x room. It’s up for grabs if anyone wants to claim it! We can decorate it however you like etc”.
Then it will seem like the step-children’s decision rather than you making them leave their old room.

ABC123DoReMiDoeRayMe · 23/09/2023 16:55

readyspaghetti · 22/09/2023 18:07

Please what is a SO????

Significant Other.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 23/09/2023 17:43

Your husband is being absurd. This shouldn’t even be a debate.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 23/09/2023 18:21

CornishGem1975 · 20/09/2023 09:16

My baby would be as close to me as possible for the first few years of life. Older children downstairs if need be - SC is a red herring here really as I'd say the same if it were my own older children.

Absolutely this. To me this is not really an AIBU, given the circs it's an absolute no brainer that your baby is closest to you.

OriginalFloorboards · 23/09/2023 19:55

Definitely baby would need to be on the same floor as me. I just wouldn’t be up and down stairs in the night like that.

Phoenixfire1988 · 23/09/2023 21:39

Girls should go downstairs as they are older baby upstairs it's a no brained really

Magicmama92 · 23/09/2023 22:52

I wouldn't want my baby on a different floor to me at all.
I also hated bunk beds as a child they scared me for some reason 🤣
I can see how it's maybe a bit worrying for them to be on a different floor even at that age. But logically the baby needs to be b
Near to you and dad. I wouldn't want any of them on a different floor but at the end of the day that's not doable. Make it fun decorate it with them and get fairy lights up the stairs in case they ever need to come up. Even get walkie talkies in case they need one of you as like a comfort thing. Tell your partner that he's welcome to sleep downstairs when the girls are over. I would do that for my own peace of mind anyway because I'm anxious. If he's like me and anxious about them being on a different floor then it's his responsibility to sleep on a sofa or airbed maybe just when they are over. That way there's an adult on both floors. Even maybe get a sofa bed.
End of the day babys need to be closer and it sounds to me that your really trying to keep everyone happy and be fair. Just have an honest chat with your partner so you can both air concerns and go from there. You aren't being unreasonable though. Good luck op