It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

[SettleThis]

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

Entirely different and OP has already clearly stated this isnt the case so completely irrelevant. If child is 50/50, they are resident in both homes. In this case, dads is not their primary home to any degree, however the baby will be and as such should really be taking a suitable room as a resident child.

Pointless example that has nothing to do with the scenario. Clutching.

You did read the thread and comprehend that I clearly wasn't here referring to OP's specific situation, but rather a comment that a PP made, didn't you?

My example is very relevant to the scenario that I was clearly addressing: I simply believe it to be nasty the way so many people treat their step-children as inferior to their bio children and less deserving of the same considerations. They just wave it away as "Oh, this isn't their main home, so it's not important" - even though it IS their main home with their dad.

I think that the modern alternative (I can't remember what it's called) whereby the children stay in the family home full-time and then the parents take it in turns to live there with them for half the time and then live in a smaller flat the other half of the time has a lot going for it. Most people instinctively disagree, as they most certainly don't want to have to live like that, never having a permanent home base; but they're more than happy for the children to do so.

I agree. Very well explained by @FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper

My friend was moaning about her step kids allegedly receiving preferential treatment from their Dad and I pointed out her kids see their Dad daily, her step kids see their dad every week at best and don’t have their own room in the house where he lives.

It’s not preferential treatment to say the girls should move downstairs and I’d be planning the same if they were all mine (probably with far less hand-wringing from SO). Keeping the baby in with us indefinitely would be treating the baby unfairly.

There’s three bedrooms between four children. It makes sense that SDs share because they’re the closest in age and gender (and want to share), and it makes sense that the baby is in a bedroom next to the parents, and the oldest and most responsible is the furthest away.

If we were talking about putting the SDs in an inferior room just because they're not there 100% of the time, I'd say that was unfair - it's not their fault they don't have any house that they live in 100% of the time.

But we're talking about putting them in a bigger room, that you'll redecorate for them, presumably with them having input into decoration/furnishing. The only downside of that other room is that they'll be on a different floor to you.

That downside is a lot less of an issue with kids of 7 & 8 (presumably 8 & 9 by the time the move happens?) than it is with a 6-12 month old. Also, I doubt it's even a downside from the kid's perspective!

I would guess that your SO is worried about how his kids will react to any change caused by the new arrival (and maybe worried about how his ex will react when she hears about it?) and therefore not thinking entirely rationally. Assuming there's nothing we've not been told, if he was thinking rationally, this would be a non-issue for him.

Are they mature enough to be downstairs alone? Are they anxious children? Are they scared of the dark? Do they wake often for the toilet? If so, is there a toilet downstairs? Can they be trusted not to watch TV and raid the snake cupboard all night?
It's not as simple as them being the oldest and only being there some of the time.

Baby needs to be same floor as you. It's dangerous not too.

I understand this argument but practically speaking if they're with their mum the vast majority of the time, this generally isn't the case and they will have the best bedroom there. And they don't need the best bedroom in two houses, one of which they aren't in much.

Why does your OH feel your shared baby should be downstairs?
Is this going to be an indication of how the financial and caring responsibilities for your shared child will devolve to you?

They are mature and sensible children and I trust them to be downstairs.

They do, however, often claim to be scared if there’s something they don’t want to do, and SO is very sensitive to it. E.g. if they don’t want to watch a (U-rated) film we or their brother has chosen, it’s too scary, so they’ll disrupt it and complain through it until it’s changed or they’re told off. Or if they don’t want to go on a bike ride because they want to keep watching TV, suddenly they’re scared of bikes. In many ways they are very emotionally mature, but they’re not very resilient.

So unless we go into it with a very positive mindset of how grown-up and bigger and cooler the room is, I’m sure they’ll declare it’s too scary. Which is why I really need SO to be on the same page to minimise the negativity around it. They very, very rarely wake in the night and there’s a toilet on the ground floor.

Why did he decide to have another child when he rarely sees the other three?

Maybe the mother is a bitch and doesn't allow it. Why is everything always dads fault? Are you projecting maybe?

Regardless of if their SC or your own DC is out the older/more responsible children furthest from the grown-ups, and baby/toddler closest.

So by that logic SDs downstairs unless there's other info like they're likely to get up to mischief in the night, in which case maybe SS downstairs if he's sensible

(Knowing my own kids who are similar ages, I'd be nervous about two of them together downstairs as they'd carry on!)

You are correct. I’d want my baby as near to me as possible. You can make it exciting for the girls saying they have a floor to themselves!

I don't think I would be very comfortable having my kids downstairs until teen years, and your partner's kids are all really young.

I might be tempted to wait quite a while on this.

• pregnancy - another 6 months
• sharing with parents - another 9 months to a year

Then possibly smallest room for baby, girls together downstairs, boy in one of the bigger rooms

Then switch it again as the baby grows older and needs a bit more space.

If he can afford 4 kids but doesn't want the older ones downstairs, perhaps your partner needs to think about funding a bigger house though.

Big fat yawn at the headline tilting “Your baby will be in with you for six month/a year” - not everyone does that or has to!

Have baby in your room for the first year then move into their own room upstairs. By then SDs will be 9 and 8 and fine to be in the room downstairs. It's bigger too, you say? Win win. You can frame it as they are old enough to be trusted on a different floor and the room is bigger so better for the 2 of them. And decorate it nicely for them etc.

I would not have a baby on a different floor to me under any circumstances tbh.

Having the 2 older girls share the room downstairs seem reasonable to me. I remember when we were house hunting, we saw a town house with 2 bedroom upstairs and 2 in the middle and I said it then that the youngest will always have to be on the same floor as us.
We eventually didn’t buy the house because we didn’t want to be on a diff floor to any of our children but if faced with your situation, that seem like the best idea out of it. Baby will wake a lot in the night, they’ll potty train and May need the toilet at night, etc so just makes sense for them to be within easy reach

I am laughing at a 7yo and 8yo being too young to be on a different floor to their parents. My DS is 6 and is on a different floor. As is 10yo DD. Our house is tall and skinny, we have a floor each and have done for some time, everyone is fine

does any of this really matter? my 21 month old is still in our room. surely baby can stay with you until you have remodelled

An almost 2yo crammed into a cramped room when there’s 3 rooms spare? Sod that

of course it's individual choice. It reduces the risk of infant cot death by up to 50% in the first six months so it's pretty much the norm these days I thought?

Having been through an extension OP they always take about 3 times as long as you think they will. If you wait until it’s done, even if it’s starts now , but the time you find workmen to start you could end up waiting years for it to be completed

If would say to SO that if he refuses to budge - you and the baby will share the downstairs room - his girls have your room and he can have the box room.

That way you are all ‘happy’

Are they on the ground floor with others on the floors above?

I know one person who's done this with a pre-teen but the rest wait til they are teens.

Maybe it's a weird habit, because thinking about it I suppose the risk of break ins (yuck this actually happened to the person whose pre-teen was sleeping on the ground floor, now I think about it! through his open window!) is probably not any different to living in a bungalow and all being on the same floor. And for fire I suppose you are better with them on the ground floor than the floor above you.

I'd move the ss downstairs and put the baby in the small bedroom. Less disruption. But I would wait until the baby is approaching a year old, can share with you until then