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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

261 replies

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 09:07

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

OP posts:
Original poster
Brooklans · 20/09/2023 09:18

Sorry posted too soon.

He will also say we’re over, which will upset me but the next day he will try to pretend like it never happened and contact me me for days until I accept his apology. This happens every 3 weeks or so.

When he’s had a drink, he’s convinced of the following things

  • I am an alias. I go by several different names. The name I’ve given him isn’t real. I don’t have the job I say I have.
  • I am not where I say I am (hence why he FaceTimes) it does not calm him down when he sees I’m at home
  • he thinks I’m sleeping with other people
  • he thinks he’s not my usual type and I will leave him when someone better comes along

Just a few weeks ago he was at the pub with his friend. We had a chat on the phone while he was there, I was going through bed earlier as I had an early start at work. Things were good. We said our good nights, he told me he loved me and wanted to cook for me the following night,etc.

i woke up for work the next morning, my phone was on silent, and I’d had 9 missed calls and the following texts trail

  • Are you really asleep?
  • hey
  • why aren’t you replying?
  • who are you getting fucked by?
  • you’re a liar
  • We’re over I can’t trust you
  • how many names do you go by?
  • you’re pretending to be asleep
  • youre still fucking your ex

I called his bluff and said fine we’re over, I’m sick of his behaviour. He contacted me everyday for a week until I gave in because when he’s sober things are perfect and I do love him 😔

Then the same thing happened last night.

I spoke to my mum about it last time, and she told me if things are great 95% of the time and he has mental health issues from the army, I should try to make it work and suggest he get counselling (I doubt he’d do this) She also reminded me that he’s not well and remember it’s the drink talking

Thoughts? I have never dealt with anyone like this before this is all new to me.

OP posts:
Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 20/09/2023 09:21

He can choose to drink and be nasty to you, or he can choose to stop drinking. He needs to make a choice about what is more important.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2023 09:23

Do you live together? Sounds like not, so that’s something. Don’t consider it for the time being.

He should get counselling, no doubt. And give up alcohol entirely.

Whether you stay “in a relationship” but just dates etc in a public place is up to you, but I wouldn’t want to be alone in private with someone who could flip like this, especially when (sorry to say this) but they’re trained to kill.

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 20/09/2023 09:24

He's abusive. OR his mental health is awful and he has an alcohol addiction. OR both. Either way he's in no fit state for a relationship and you'd be totally insane to stay in it. He has some serious work to do on himself and he's not entitled to a woman to be his emotional punchbag while he's doing it.

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2023 09:24

Dump him; stop making excuses for his behaviour

cestlavielife · 20/09/2023 09:25

He needs professional help...clear strategies...no drinking....
That 5% might kill you, it s already destroying your mental health and emotional wellbeing...
How long have you known him?

DuploTrain · 20/09/2023 09:25

I don’t think you should accept being treated like this - why should you always be wondering when he’s going to switch.

Yes he clearly has issues. If he acknowledged them, and the horrible impact they have on you, and made steps to get mental health support and stop drinking then it would be okay to put up with the occasional lapse on his path to recovery.

But it sounds like he’s choosing not to address them and keeps using you as his emotional punch bag instead.

ChaToilLeam · 20/09/2023 09:27

I would not continue with this relationship. The danger that he would become physically abusive on top of all the rest is scary. Your mother is frighteningly naive about this. Abuse escalates.

PTSD is a terrible thing and I have sympathy for sufferers. But he needs to lay off the booze and get help. No way should you be subjected to this for any reason.

zoom1982 · 20/09/2023 09:29

It sounds like he's been through a hell of a lot and that has seriously impacted his mental health. However,his behaviour and the potential for it to get worse,let alone the day to day stress would make me walk away.

Clarinet1 · 20/09/2023 09:30

He has been through some terrible experiences and needs help but that does not mean you have to put up with this behaviour while he does nothing to address his issues, in particular the drinking which seems too o send him over the edge,

IkeaMeatballGravy · 20/09/2023 09:31

If you haven't been together long OP I would walk away from this one. My DH is a veteran and many of his friends have been through this and he has also had to arrange counselling for himself due to his experiences. The ones who have made the best recoveries are the ones who have sought help themselves and have given up drink completely, but it's a long road to recovery.

It's not up to you to fix this man, I knew my DH before he was deployed and he wasn't nasty to me, but even so, if he hadn't taken steps to get better I probably would have considered breaking up. The other thing to consider is that this behaviour may not be as a result of PTSD, that he is just using his problems as an excuse for his abuse.

You don't owe this man a relationship because he served his country.

CrotchetyQuaver · 20/09/2023 09:32

I wouldn't say that behaviour is down to ptsd. I'd say thats a form of paranoia brought on by the drinking and it's not that unusual.

How you deal with it is up to you, but I'd find that difficult to put up with (and be frightened as to where it might end up for you if you don't reply because you're tucked up in bed asleep on your own)

The obvious way to resolve this is that he doesn't drink at all or only drinks in moderation. Just because someone can drink 10 pints doesn't mean they should...

Sicario · 20/09/2023 09:33

I would urge you to walk away from this relationship immediately and cut all contact. Block any numbers and protect yourself from this deeply damaged and abusive man.

It is not your job to "fix" him or to be his human rehab unit.

Please also look into The Freedom Programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

barbarahunter · 20/09/2023 09:35

He obviously needs help but, as I read on here before, you are not a one woman rehabilitation centre for men. He is frankly, scary in his 5% of the time behaviour. I disagree with your mum and I would be concerned that his nasty behaviour could escalate. Don't put up with it, save yourself and end the relationship.

HatandCat · 20/09/2023 09:35

He doesn’t seem ok. Is he still under treatment? He needs to avoid alcohol in the interim

as for you, I would ditch him, too much drama and baggage. It’s not entirely his fault and I’m sure he’s lovely, but personally I wouldn’t choose someone with such a huge baggage

meganorks · 20/09/2023 09:36

If he isn't willing to get help and stop drinking then it will only get worse. Someone who is aggressive and paranoid when drunk has potential to do you some serious harm or worse. If he doesn't love you enough to want to ensure that doesn't happen then you have to walk away.

LeopardPrintTits · 20/09/2023 09:36

If he doesn’t promise to stop doing this (either through willpower alone, or with professional help), then I think you need to leave him.

His behaviour sounds particularly nasty, and I think his military past could put you in more danger if this ever starts while you’re around him.

Regardless of any mental health problems, you really shouldn’t have to deal with this.

SanFranciscoCalling · 20/09/2023 09:37

Nope. Not at all. If he loved you and wanted to change he would stop drinking.

Polyethyl · 20/09/2023 09:39

I urge you to talk to someone at Combat Stress.

FREE HELPLINE: 0800 1381619TEXT: 07537 173683
EMAIL: [email protected]

This situation is serious. You need their help. Mumsnet is great but this is a specific situation that this charity will be able to give you the best advice.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 09:42

Sounds like an arsehole using his trauma as an excuse to abuse you.
Get rid, not worth the BS and report to the police if he keeps harassing you.

Dyrne · 20/09/2023 09:43

I agree with others. I do feel sympathy for him and to some extent people should support their partners through mental health difficulties; but “support” does not mean “put up with abuse”.

He needs to be developing better mechanisms to manage his PTSD. This includes seeking the proper mental health support (appreciate this is abysmal but he needs to be at least putting the effort in to get on the list for therapies etc; and engaging with veterans charities for specialist support). He also needs to be clearly identifying any triggers (ie drinking) and avoiding them.

If he knows that when he drinks he gets abusive; and he still chooses to drink; then he’s making a choice that he knows will lead to abuse. He may need additional help to address alcoholism if he really can’t give up drinking, but that doesn’t excuse the impact on you and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to put up with the abuse.

ColleenDonaghy · 20/09/2023 09:43

barbarahunter · 20/09/2023 09:35

He obviously needs help but, as I read on here before, you are not a one woman rehabilitation centre for men. He is frankly, scary in his 5% of the time behaviour. I disagree with your mum and I would be concerned that his nasty behaviour could escalate. Don't put up with it, save yourself and end the relationship.

Absolutely this, you don't owe him anything. Run.

Topseyt123 · 20/09/2023 09:43

Do you even live together? I'm guessing not.

I really wouldn't continue in this relationship as you'll always be walking on eggshells and fearful of his next outburst, regardless of the reasons behind his behaviour. He also clearly needs to completely stop drinking.

He clearly does have issues but they are his to fix, not yours and you shouldn't have to put up with this shit. He could possibly turn violent with you one day. It wouldn't take much. Your mother's advice is naīve at best here, I'm afraid and highly dangerous at worst. Ignore it.

When would you ever be able to trust his behaviour?

gannett · 20/09/2023 09:44

I spoke to my mum about it last time, and she told me if things are great 95% of the time and he has mental health issues from the army, I should try to make it work and suggest he get counselling (I doubt he’d do this) She also reminded me that he’s not well and remember it’s the drink talking

This is shockingly terrible advice from your mum.

You shouldn't need to put up with abusive behaviour even 1% of the time. Doesn't matter how great the rest of the time is - this negates it completely.

Stop making excuses for his behaviour. It's a pattern of abusive and potentially violent nastiness. It's not a one-off, it's a repeated pattern that he doesn't even apologise for, and it won't stop. It doesn't matter if he's not well or he has mental health issues - that's not up to you to fix. What you're in control of is how it impacts your life. Get away from him.

I am honestly seething and furious at your mum's advice.

pictoosh · 20/09/2023 09:44

Well it's just not a goer is it? He's an utter fucking pest. Why would you stay?

Look, everyone has flaws...but this is a dangerous bastard klaxon. He's unhinged, controlling, intimidating and abusive and what's more, he repeats the behaviour knowingly. You can just as easily have a relationship with a man who is none of the above but still loves you, includes you in future plans and makes a real effort.

This man is not the only man and you are not obliged to see it through. Why would you? Some sort of 'the love of a good woman' fantasy? Don't bother.
Seriously, save yourself.