Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

261 replies

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 09:07

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 20/09/2023 11:37

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2023 09:24

Dump him; stop making excuses for his behaviour

This. You don’t have to put up with his behaviour, you don’t have to feel sorry for him because he has PTSD, he’s choosing to drink knowing it makes his mental health worse.

I have dated 2 men (not at the same time 😉) that are ex army, one had terrible PTSD and constantly disappeared without contacting me, blamed it on his PTSD, i did feel for him, he had seen a lot and been through a lot but it wasn’t something I could put up with. The other was lovely until one day something triggered him and he suddenly changed to being an abusive idiot.

You don’t need to risk your own mental health to put up with issues caused by his.

Pinkdelight3 · 20/09/2023 11:38

He doesn’t just send you ‘standard’ controlling and abusive messages - he suspects you are a different person.
That alone is a red flag - that is not just drink talking. That is deep, deep mental unwellness that will end with you being badly hurt if not killed.

This is very true. He's already been sectioned. One wrong moment and you'd be dead. You have this cold hard truth right there in those messages he sent, and the fact he's persuading you to come back for more is genuinely terrifying.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 20/09/2023 11:38

I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but your mum is useless as a source of advice or support.

DaisyDreaming · 20/09/2023 11:39

Especially as holidays often involve drink.
please listen to everyone urging you to get out of this relationship while you still can. The cause of his issues are very sad but you don’t need to be a victim to which you’re sadly going to be. A friend of a friend was in a very similar relationship but further down the line as she was living with him and having children. What started as ptsd and drinking just escalated into awful DV. The cause of the ptsd was very sad, the army truly can mess people up but this doesn’t mean you have to put up with it! Please move on with your life. Hopefully he will access help and one day he will be ready for a relationship but now is not that time. Don’t even think of moving in as you’re going to end up trapped, st the moment you have your own house, does he have a key? Make sure you change the lock or get that key back before telling him your splitting because you don’t know what he will do when drunk and upset

Barney60 · 20/09/2023 11:39

Please walk away before this gets worse., and i promise you it WILL get worse.
Just one extra drink and a comment from someone, you dont answer the phone, then hes stalking you and possibly worse, its what films and books are written about.

barbarahunter · 20/09/2023 11:39

I hesitated to say it before but as others have already touched upon it, I don't mean to sound dramatic but I would consider your life to be in danger if you continue this relationship, OP.

ThingthatgoesFFSinthenight · 20/09/2023 11:40

I would end this relationship now but if you don’t want to do that then this is my advice;

When he is sober, sit down with him and share with him how his behaviour makes you feel. Let him know what you love and appreciate about him first. Explain that you love him and want it to work but that you won’t tolerate this behaviour any more. That what he does is abusive even if it’s fuelled by his emotional turmoil. You can understand the trauma and emotions that fuel the behaviour and empathise with that, AND put a very clear boundary in that it HAS to stop.

Tell him that unless he stops drinking and seeks help, you will need to separate as it’s scary and abusive. He either trusts you or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t then there is no future. I’m assuming he has no reason not to trust you of course.

Let him know that there are excellent therapy services for ex military, with excellent results. EMDR has masses of research and won’t involve him re hashing the story over and over. It has an excellent success rate but he will need to work on it. He will need to commit to it for his own sake, and if he wants the two if you to work out.

Unless he can give up alcohol and get some therapy, I’d be ending things as it could get dangerous.

Please don’t move in with him until he is fully recovered and things have been good for well over a year. He’s been damaged by his experiences for sure, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like that b

Loopylooni · 20/09/2023 11:40

I'd echo loads of posters. My ex partner is ex military and has very similar traits. Not worth the hassle.

FOJN · 20/09/2023 11:42

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 11:35

Can I ask what your DH is like day to day when he’s sober?

Show quote history

I say apparently because I’ve never actually seen it. He doesn’t drink because he knows what he’s like.

The posters husband doesn't drink because he doesn't feel entitled to subject others to his drinking behaviour.

I'm not going to be diplomatic, your mother's advice is really shit and reading it made me angry. A man, any man at any price is not a fucking prize. Don't ask your M m for advice about relationships again, she thinks abuse is OK.

Nicole1111 · 20/09/2023 11:43

Regardless of the reason he is behaving the way he is, this man is domestically abusing you. He should attend a group for perpetrators of domestic abuse, stop drinking and engage with therapy. If he’s not willing to do the above I would say he is very very very unlikely to change. You need to decide whether you’re willing to commit to a life time of being on the receiving end of this behaviour, and while you don’t mention children in your post, whether you’re willing to expose any current or future children to this behaviour.

diddl · 20/09/2023 11:43

Also if he’s woken up from his sleep he appears to wake up prepared for battle before eventually gathering his surroundings.

That is terrifying.

Why does your Mum think that you should work at this?

Is she taking her cue from you?

Does she think that a difficult relationship is better than none?

He abuses you & accuses you FFS.

I wouldn't want that for my daughter.

He needs help, you can't give it & from what you have said I'd fear for your safety!

Original poster
Brooklans · 20/09/2023 11:47

Oversharingnamechanged · 20/09/2023 10:55

Sorry to read this @Brooklans, I have been in a situation extremely similar.

My ex boyfriend was ex army also, he did about 12 years I believe and was also discharged with ptsd and diagnosed as being an alcoholic twice during his 12 years in the army.
His behaviour was almost identical to the one you're describing of your own DP.
(My father was also an abusive ex military man, so I didn't really think it was an unusual way of life if I'm honest)
However what went from paranoia I was cheating became, "nobody would fuck you if I acid attacked you, remember that" to him strangling me, attempting to smash my face into a shop window and once in a pub smacking my face into a table because the pub singer called me baby.

Like your DP, he was nice when he wasn't being a cunt.
Also, I have to say he was so paranoid about cheating because he was a cheat himself.

Just end it, he'll hurt you.
Its terribly sad and heartbreaking you can't help him through his ptsd but before you're riddled with your own from his abuse, run for the hills.

Also, he pissed on me and blamed me, it was my piss, even though it was all over my back, twice, when he was drunk but not massively drunk for it to be obvious he'd wet the bed, I still am unsure if it was an accident or he really just hated women.
When he first joined the army his longterm gf slept with someone else and he never recovered. He was then surrounded by other men who'd had similar experiences and seemed to regard us terribly. There is sadly a culture in male dominated industries of seeing us as sex objects and nothing more.

Please leave x

I’m sorry to hear this.

I hate to admit it but I have wondered myself if he also hates women deep down. His ex cheated on him as well.

Can I ask if your ex cheated on you as well, that you’re aware of?

When he starts accusing me all the time I occasionally wonder if he’s just judging me off his own standards, and because he’s up to no good he assumes I will be too? Or maybe he’s just very troubled, who knows guess I never will

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 20/09/2023 11:48

I know it isn't always that simple but hopefully it is for him, he needs to stop drinking.

I'm not so sure I would be up for going on holidays with him. Do you have any worries he might get violent?

I also do feel very sorry for him, he has been through a lot by the sounds of it but alcohol will in now way, shape or form be helping him.

Redburnett · 20/09/2023 11:51

LTB if you want to avoid risking being murdered in a drunken rage.

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 11:53

His ex cheated on him as well.

OP, you know you are not cheating on him. And yet... he accuses you of it constantly. Do you really think that his ex DID cheat on him? It's very unlikely that this paranoia is only applied to you and also very unlikely that this level of paranoia is because an ex cheated on him.

I'm sorry - there's likely a pattern of this behaviour and unless HE wants to stop it, nothing will change.

triballeader · 20/09/2023 11:54

Sharing this link. They were VERY helpful when we had a military veteran with very severe complex PTSD turn up at a drop in. They had been in and out of hospital on sections and varied from very unwell to call the police now unwell. The paranoia and flashbacks were really scary for others using the drop in. They are still not 100% okay but now have a supported flat and have moved to home treatment rather than hospital but with this specialist charities ongoing support. They may also be able to give support to you as they include those who live with such. https://combatstress.org.uk/ Combat PTSD i esp if its complex PTSD is one hell of a thing for someone to live with and more so for those around them.

Mental health services for veterans | Combat Stress

We provide specialist treatment and support for veterans from every service and conflict, focusing on those with complex mental health issues.

https://combatstress.org.uk/

Verbena17 · 20/09/2023 11:56

I’m an ex forces dependent and completely get where you’re coming from.
Its not an easy thing to manage in someone you love.

However, along with the PTSD, it might be worth checking if he was given the anti-malaria drug Mefloquine (Lariam).
It was banned for use by the US military but the UK military continued giving it for a long time after.

The soldiers/officers were supposed to have a psych assessment before it was prescribed and for many, that process was missed out (for my DH included).

Since, i believe it has now been banned for UK troops as well.
The side effects are extremely similar to PTSD. I’m not saying he doesn’t have that as well, but if he took Mefloquine, it’s something to consider. Although I. Not sure how long the effects can last and whether he’d still be affected by them now.

There was an article I found written by a former officer and he was behaving in the same way you describe - anger/paranoia, verbally abusive etc.
Might be worth seeing if he had taken it that med.

ArabeIIaScott · 20/09/2023 11:57

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 20/09/2023 09:24

He's abusive. OR his mental health is awful and he has an alcohol addiction. OR both. Either way he's in no fit state for a relationship and you'd be totally insane to stay in it. He has some serious work to do on himself and he's not entitled to a woman to be his emotional punchbag while he's doing it.

This.

I'm sorry, OP.

You cannot fix this man. He needs professional help, and you deserve better.

ArabeIIaScott · 20/09/2023 11:59

Re the Jekyll and Hyde: That's so common. Abusers cycle through lovebombing, being charming, being abusive, and being apologetic/contrite.

Passerillage · 20/09/2023 12:03

You need to leave now. Just walk away. He has severe mental health problems that are not your responsibility and he could kill you when he is in the grip of these delusions. He is also not willing to take the fairly obvious step to minimise risk (stop drinking) so you know he doesn’t actually care. Words are very easy.

I’m honestly shocked that your mother is advising you to stay. Was she abused by your father or is she just unusually inexperienced/naive?

He is a physical danger to you and won’t get better.

Pinkdelight3 · 20/09/2023 12:03

Interesting about the Lariam, but that's on the guy himself to look into and address, not on OP, who isn't a dependent thankfully and needs to extract herself. The partner isn't currently curious about helping himself and addressing the causes and symptoms of his condition, and the OP's primary concern has to be for her safety, physical and mental. A man sending those messages repeatedly and continuing to drink is not a case for the OP to fix. She needs to cut him loose and, as a PP said, that may be the most helpful thing for him, if it contributes to him realising he can't carry on like these and needs to start sorting himself out. Then he can look into the Larium of it all.

Floppyelf · 20/09/2023 12:03

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2023 09:24

Dump him; stop making excuses for his behaviour

This!

StopStartStop · 20/09/2023 12:04
  1. R U N.
  2. R U N. Don't talk it through. Run.
Pinkdelight3 · 20/09/2023 12:04

Also, while it may be Lariam and/or what happened to him in the military, he could also just be a misogynistic abuser, like many men without a military past.

Swipe left for the next trending thread