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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

261 replies

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 09:07

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

OP posts:
Cailleachian · 20/09/2023 15:00

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 14:37

He’s just rung and asked to see me after work. He sounded deflated and a bit shy.

I think the most graceful way to approach it while he is still in the remorseful hungover stage is just explaining that you think its best you arent in a relationship any more as he needs some time to get his head together.

Acknowledging that you like him but that you are going to stop seeing him because you care about him and have his best interests at heart, it makes you feel less guilty and makes him feel less blamed, fielding off any potential conflict or "how could you abandon me in my hour of need" pleading.

Then block everywhere.

greyhairnomore · 20/09/2023 15:01

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 14:37

He’s just rung and asked to see me after work. He sounded deflated and a bit shy.

Just say no , you have no ties luckily. Your life will be so miserable and you'll always be walking on eggshells.
Imagine a family party and he gets pissed and starts ?
Say you're not going to meet him. If he comes round call the police.

LizzieSiddal · 20/09/2023 15:02

If he loves you and wants to be with you he will actually want to give up drinking so he never ever treats you so awfully again.

If today he doesn’t say “please give me one last chance, I will go to AA today and never drink again” then bin him, because drink is more important to him than you.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/09/2023 15:05

You need to break the cycle. I can already tell you won’t. And it makes me very scared for you, OP.

HowAmYa · 20/09/2023 15:09

Run a mile.
You're not a therapist. Run. A. Fucking. Mile.

Hanlonsamazer · 20/09/2023 15:10

Hibiscrubbed · 20/09/2023 15:05

You need to break the cycle. I can already tell you won’t. And it makes me very scared for you, OP.

👆🏼

Oversharingnamechanged · 20/09/2023 15:20

@Brooklans

Just read the update that you also had an alcoholic dad and I think that will be clouding your judgement as to what is acceptable, as it did mine.

I WISH I'd have had mumsnet during my abusive relationships with Sargent psycho as my friends dubbed him, because there is always one poster who asks, why are you standard's so low or tells women to raise the bar and whilst it's not always from a place of good heart, it's a really good point.

Why are we accepting this and why are our standards so low?

Our childhoods are usually the answer.

I also just wanted to say that my ex made me feel very sad for him, that he was suffering ptsd and as some non heroic civilian who'd never put myself in danger the way he had, I should have dutifully tried to help him through his outbursts, but then other times he'd say he didn't want "an emotional crutch", was an absolute minefield, navigating my safety and guilt I wanted to be free of him.

Over40Overdating · 20/09/2023 15:24

@Brooklans he’s not being shy. He’s testing the water.

You don’t seem to want to accept what people who have had similar experiences are telling you because he’s ‘great’ 95% of the time - which is not true btw.

So at least bear this in mind when you are listening to his latest sob story.

Anyone can pretend to be nice.
No one pretends to be a nasty, controlling, unhinged danger.

The drunk him is the real him and that’s who you’d be living with if you move into his house.

You are going to end up severely traumatised at best and dead at worst if you stay with this man.

EmmaEmerald · 20/09/2023 15:31

On the giving up drinking thing

he'll just start to behave like that when he's not drinking. It's not a solution.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 15:42

Please don't meet him op, he will just convince you to stay in this dysfunctional and abusive relationship and you will cave in because unfortunately your parents have set the precedent.

You can't trust yourself so best to cut him off and end it over the phone today if you can, do not meet him in person.

HardcoreLadyType · 20/09/2023 15:43

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 20/09/2023 09:21

He can choose to drink and be nasty to you, or he can choose to stop drinking. He needs to make a choice about what is more important.

This.

Escapingafter50years · 20/09/2023 15:54

You told him you were "disappointed"! DISAPPOINTED!!

OP, you should be utterly outraged. Where is your anger at being treated like this? From your post about your father I can understand that you don't feel it is as bad as it really is - but look at what other posters are saying. It is really bad.

Your upbringing has conditioned you to accept whatever treatment you get. For some reason you think you love this toxic and dysfunctional man but actually you are trying to rescue him. This is deeply rooted in your childhood.

And think about something else, he won't get the help he needs so long as you are enabling him (which you are). You need to leave him for him as well as for yourself.

GrinAndVomit · 20/09/2023 15:57

2 women a week are murdered by their ex/ partners.
Do not let this statistic be you.

ArabeIIaScott · 20/09/2023 15:57

Cailleachian · 20/09/2023 15:00

I think the most graceful way to approach it while he is still in the remorseful hungover stage is just explaining that you think its best you arent in a relationship any more as he needs some time to get his head together.

Acknowledging that you like him but that you are going to stop seeing him because you care about him and have his best interests at heart, it makes you feel less guilty and makes him feel less blamed, fielding off any potential conflict or "how could you abandon me in my hour of need" pleading.

Then block everywhere.

Show quote history

Yes, but can I urge a bit of caution? Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Maray1967 · 20/09/2023 16:02

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 20/09/2023 09:21

He can choose to drink and be nasty to you, or he can choose to stop drinking. He needs to make a choice about what is more important.

This. You need to tell him that you’ll make your decision based on his actions - not words.

If he puts himself in the situation where he does this once more - that should be it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 16:10

You think sober him loves you, cares about you and isn't abusive. But sober him knows what drunk him does and still picks up a drink. He doesn't care enough to stop. Until he wants to, chooses to, give up alcohol, he's an abusive man. And that means you don't have a relationship.

Your mother is wrong.

BorgQueen · 20/09/2023 16:15

Give him the number for the local Veterans support centre and walk away.
It’s not your responsibility to fix him and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Hanlonsamazer · 20/09/2023 16:35

Maray1967 · 20/09/2023 16:02

This. You need to tell him that you’ll make your decision based on his actions - not words.

If he puts himself in the situation where he does this once more - that should be it.

Show quote history

I think he’s already had his chances, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s not shy or contrite today, he’s laughing at OP and how he’s manipulating her. I wish I could get across how much this man could ruin your life OP. Your life, your finances, your prospects, your self respect, your friendships. Everything.

mrsmoppp · 20/09/2023 16:35

Do not stay with this man. Things will only get worse as time goes on. Get out now whilst you can

cestlavielife · 20/09/2023 17:34

He is very lovely despite him having these monster episodes.

The monster can kill you.
The papers will say, "he was so lovely said a neighbour"
You cannot fix him

sofasofa42 · 20/09/2023 17:41

He needs to stop drinking and seek some help for ptsd. My husband has the same story- though never violent or abusive but was diagnosed with chronic ptsd recently.
I know my husband can drink heavily because of what he has seen, so your guy has my sympathies. What really worked for my husband was hypnotherapy. Instantly. It took us years to convince him into therapy because he frankly didn't want to talk at length. He got treated by a very practical woman who heard only 10 mins of his story and then started the therapy. I
Nightmares have gone and he can cope much better. He did two sessions , but knows he can pick up with her again whenever he wants .
He can't carry on with nightmares and being a prat when he is drunk- he needs help, help for heroes is useless. Just go for private therapy it's worth the cost.

HarpieDuJour · 20/09/2023 19:21

Topee · 20/09/2023 14:02

If I knew I was an arsehole to someone I love when I drank, I would stop drinking. Simple.

I am an arsehole when I drink, and for this reason I rarely drink and I never have more than one drink. It was easier than thinking about what awful things I might have said to get a reaction when I was drunk.

Nanaof1 · 20/09/2023 20:25

Hibiscrubbed · 20/09/2023 15:05

You need to break the cycle. I can already tell you won’t. And it makes me very scared for you, OP.

It's heartbreaking that she keeps "forgiving" him, so he has no reason to change his behavior, stop drinking and getting psychological help. She'd be doing him the biggest favor EVER, if she made him accountable for his actions and not letting his self-flagellating "pity me" behavior continue.

Codlingmoths · 20/09/2023 22:01

Oh I bet he feels terrible. Not terrible enough to stop drinking. Not terrible enough to skip the pub tomorrow or whenever it is. Just terrible enough ti check in wiht you and remind you he loves you (when sober, he hates you and thinks you’re cheating on him when he’s drunk but he won’t mention that in apology mode) and did I forget how ‘I’m setting my house up for you to live there with me we will be so happy and you won’t be able to get away when I’m abusing you, you will be right there as you live there too and I won’t even have to abuse you over the phone so much it’s much more fun in person as I’ll have you TRAPPED.’ He won’t say that last bit of course. Do you see that you cannot move in with him, it would be unsafe and imagine how awful he would be if he wasn’t just having a go over the phone, but he was right there with you?? It would be terrifying.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/09/2023 08:39

she also knows that Iove hIm and miss him so much on the times this happens

But this is him. You're making a fundamental mistake in thinking that he is the guy who doesn't do this to you and this is some other 'monster', not him. Please get help from somewhere other than your mum and the man himself. Talk to Women's Aid or get proper counselling because it sounds like it goes deep into your past witnessing your mum putting up with an alcoholic husband. You're tooled to make excuses for men and it could seriously kill you.