Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

[Brooklans]

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

She’s sufficiently concerned to ask for advice about it.
I think it would be unusual if she did a complete u-turn on her relationship within half an hour. Hopefully the messages will trickle through though.

Please get out of this relationship. As several PPs have said, you don't deserve to be his punchbag. I disagree profoundly with your mother and find her advice to you shocking.
His paranoia and aggression is likely to turn to physical violence, which is common in men like this.

Can you not seek help from the army medicos who know all about such cases.
Your DH might take a treatment seriously if the armed forces support him.

I’m wondering if it was really just the drink talking last night. I hate this.

It wasn't 'the drink', it was him, and you're a fool if you buy into that lie. It's him because he repeatedly chooses to drink and says these things to you, and you put up with it. You need to stop making excuses for him and cling onto that hate. You hate this. This is him and your relationship with him. Whatever nice bits there are between him doing this and grinding you down to overlook it, this is the reality of being with him. It will only get worse. Get out of it now. Don't go on holiday with him and don't be browbeaten into pitying him. Women are not here to fix broken men. You deserve much better, whatever your mum may have led you to believe. Get help for yourself for that too, your self-esteem matters.

I'd get out now whilst you can. Sounds like my ex. I stayed though and the abuse got worse - a lot worse. Physical, mental etc.

He did go to combat stress in the end but it was too late. The damage had been done to me / us.

I spoke to my mum about it last time, and she told me if things are great 95% of the time and he has mental health issues from the army, I should try to make it work and suggest he get counselling (I doubt he’d do this) She also reminded me that he’s not well and remember it’s the drink talking

Bizarre advice from your mother.
It's the 5% that is the problem.
It's irrelevant why he behaves like that for 5% of the time. The behaviour is totally and utterly unacceptable and it's dangerous. You really don't know how far it could go.

It is NOT the drink talking. Drink does not talk. Alcohol removes inhibitions, revealing what a person is truly thinking or what kind of person they are under the facade.

Any mother should be advising you to end this relationship now. He is unwell. PTSD is horrific. But that does not mean you have to put up with any of this.

A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone with PTSD (not from the army, but something similar). He had been attacked and nearly killed several times as part of his job. He was a nice guy but sadly very much traumatized and turned to alcohol to self-medicate. The longer her relationship went on the worse he got - he had horrible rages and also accused her of sleeping with others etc. If someone moved suddenly he would immediately spring into fight mode and that manifested itself with him shouting at whoever it was or at my friend and taking on an aggressive stance with fists clenched.
She left him. Thank goodness.
I still see him from time to time. He has now given up alcohol completely - he said her leaving was the catalyst for that. And has been getting more psychiatric help for the PTSD. He is much much better but he says himself he would never "inflict himself" on a woman again because he feels like he could take a turn for the worse at any point.

OP, please end this and ignore your mother's advice about it.
He could be the nicest guy in the world but sadly he is very unwell and it could turn very very nasty, even worse than it is already.

He has the CHOICE not to drink. He knows that alcohol affects his mood and his mental state.
Ultimatum time OP. Ditch the drink or I ditch you. And please don't have any children with him.

He needs help - the military can mess people up like nothing else. Not only based on what they’ve seen but the lack of recognition of mental health until it’s got so bad!

The PTSD isn't causing his abusive behaviour; his paranoia and jealousy is doing that.
You need to leave and you need help to do that safely. Please talk to Women's Aid, and make an exit plan.

Yes absolutely, I agree. I don't expect OP to end things on the strength of what we have to say. Who are we, after all?

But I think the investment in him and his narrative is clear. I'd be checking it all out further.

I also wonder who else his PSTD makes him aggressive and verbally abusive to. Bet the answer is no one.

@Brooklans if you knew that when you drink you become abusive and a danger to the person you love, would you continue to drink?

Run a mile.
Also your Mum is not a good source of advice being diplomatic

It is not good now with these regular flare ups and the potential is there for it to get worse/go badly wrong,

His PTSD is not going to go away even if he gives up the drink.

The PTSD aside - whilst I’m not doubting he suffers with mental health issues, it is not an excuse to treat you this way. His behaviour is a classic pattern of abuse. Horrible nasty outbursts followed by love bombing and niceness to convince you to stay. If he acts like nothing happened, it’s an attempt to gaslight you.
Drinking is a choice. Being nasty to you is a choice. Abusing you is a choice. This is not the behaviour of a lovely man.
You say he will not go to therapy - it will only get worse.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

Regardless of what he has been through and your relationship to him, it is not your responsibility to help him, it’s his. If you continue to allow him to treat you this way, he will. That being said, I know personally how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship, particularly emotional abuse and I am so sorry you’re in this position.

You cannot fix him, you cannot make him better. Love is not enough, he needs professional help. Being in a relationship with this man is a recipe for disaster. Someone who is trained to kill and treats you this way is a real and serious danger to your life. Do not break yourself trying to heal someone else.

I would argue that the “5%” is actually the real him OP, remember that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, so things people are hiding can be revealed in their behaviour when they are drunk
genuinely good/nice people are consistent in their behaviour, if you are very toxic and abusive when you’re drunk it means that there is some unresolved issues and demons you need to deal with

Before you know it OP, your behaviour is going to change to accommodate his paranoia, you’ll be checking your phone all the time , on edge if you miss his calls etc
this is how it starts
you need to take back your control

The relationship is over due to his unacceptable behaviour. Get out as swiftly and simply as possible.

"Thoughts? I have never dealt with anyone like this before this is all new to me."
Thoughts? Run fast, run far. Tell him it's over and block on all channels.

"I spoke to my mum about it last time, and she told me if things are great 95% of the time and he has mental health issues from the army, I should try to make it work and suggest he get counselling (I doubt he’d do this) She also reminded me that he’s not well and remember it’s the drink talking"
This is actually almost as big a problem as his behaviour, because this woman raised you and her thinking permeates yours. No, you should NOT 'try to make it work'! This man has serious problems that you cannot fix, nor should you feel you are obliged to fix him. What is she thinking? Is this how she runs her own life, putting her own needs below whatever man she is with? Does she put up with being abused? And she wants you to live like that too? Sorry to be so blunt, but your mother is a fool. 'Be nice, be kind' is what gets women KILLED. And your current partner is perfectly capable of making you into a statistic. Do not listen to your mother, and have a ponder about whether the upbringing she gave you has made you vulnerable to this sort of relationship.

PTSD is awful and not his fault, however how he chooses to handle it is. Alcohol is obviously a huge trigger for his behaviour, he needs to seek proper help for PTSD and address his alcohol issues.

If you love him and want to stay to him you need to issue an ultimatum really, he either seeks help or you leave. Otherwise that 5% behaviour will only get worse.

It would be a nope from me. I’d also say you need to reevaluate getting advice from your mum if she’s saying to stay with him. My mum would of told me to run for the hills.

The 5% is when he could kill you

Can I ask what your DH is like day to day when he’s sober?

I’m sorry your mum is setting such poor standards for you @Brooklans .
If you said someone made you your favourite meal but it was 5% poison would she still advise you eat it?

This man is unwell and dangerous. He doesn’t just send you ‘standard’ controlling and abusive messages - he suspects you are a different person.
That alone is a red flag - that is not just drink talking. That is deep, deep mental unwellness that will end with you being badly hurt if not killed.

I also don’t buy that he doesn’t remember what he’s said and done when he’s sober - this is a tactic to get you to distrust yourself and what you know to be true.

He may well have military related PTSD but he’s also a nasty bastard who is going to ruin your life if you don’t get away soon. Your mother should be ashamed of herself, frankly.

Run and keep running.
He possibly will take the break up badly, keep a record of his abusive behaviour - time and dates- and block his number after the break up.
He’s dangerous and his MH is not for you to fix

@Brooklans ptsd can bring out some incredibly nasty behaviour but

• You cannot save him. He has to do that himself.

-You do not have to tolerate abuse. It doesn't matter what he went through no one has a right to abuse another

• You have to put yourself first and acknowledge this is not healthy.

There is lots of support for ex veterans with ptsd but he has to be prepared to access it. If he decides not to it isn't a reflection on you or your self worth but a huge red flag that he is not ready to confront his demons and heal from them.

If you are UK based combat stress can help him. They offer trauma therapy and retreats to get better. Help for hero's can offer advice and his doctor can help. Tell him that you understand he is suffering and although you cannot imagine what he has witnessed it is not fair you are used as a punch bag. Give him the ultimatum that he needs to access help for the relationship to continue and if he opts to end the relationship walk away without a fight.

PTSD from the army destroyed my marriage and it took a lot of hard work for my ex to heal but the damage done to us remains. I know a lot of what he did was a trauma response but it doesn't make it OK. His reality was warped and he thought I was doing things I wasn't but the actual reality was he ended up treating me like crap and that's what is left behind. 95% good is not good enough when the 5% is so bad. It will get worse if he doesn't get help.

My ex lived for many years with ptsd bubbling under the surface and it only really effected where he would sit in a restaurant/ who he would meet etc but ended in him being cruel and calculating a decade later when an unrelated event happened and it sent him into melt down. Please please put yourself first

edited to add separate whilst he is getting treatment. Only meet in public places. Trauma therapy can make things worse before it gets better

There is a very good chance he was already like this when he went into the military. They accept all sorts of men who would struggle to hold down normal jobs for all sorts of reason- behavioural issues, anger issues, poor academically, or just not that bright, quite frankly.