Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

[Brooklans]

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

The text messages remind me of the ones Angel Lynn's boyfriend sent who pushed her out of the van and caused terrible injuries. Just remember your safety is more important than anything. Including helping someone who is being abusive for whatever reason. Many abusers are nice most of the time. You are still being abused

you cannot excuse abuse on PTSD. That’s not on.

as an aside, I’d have questions over whether what he is saying he experienced is true. Seeing awful things, PTSD from friends dying etc is one thing. But having been shot multiple times - not sure I believe that

Oh my god get rid and move on!

As you say he was discharged on medical grounds because of his PTSD, a service-attributable injury, then there will be ongoing support - probably delivered through one of the MoD-funded NHS-delivered regional hubs. If he has not been under the care of one of those, why not? Did he refuse?

If the discharge was wrongly processed, the he can self-refer, or could go via an organisation such as Combat Stress.

Alcohol abuse is a larger problem in the veteran community than PTSD, but it's much less talked about. Combat Stress covers both, which is why it would be a good port of call.

If he is well supported and receives the right therapy, then he would be quite a different prospect. He doesn't sound particularly safe to be around - particularly if his discharge is not yet complete and so the medical support will definitely be in place (it will have kicked in before he was hospitalised, and will have continued as an outpatient after he left hospital). Is he minimising his symptoms when talking to the military? Or is he over-egging his military experiences and their effect to you?

He says he's been shot "a number of times" - seen any scars?

Someone once said to me that 'you wouldn't drink a cup of tea if it was 95% tea and 5% shit stirred in'.

You need to walk - no, run - from this op. Whatever his history, the reason for his behaviour it is abusive and will only get better with intense work on his part, that you say he's not prepared to put in.

Don't get in any deeper and certainly don't get pregnant. Abuse is abuse. LTB.

Sounds like my ex. It is NOT your job to rehabilitate him. OP, please protect yourself, my ex’s behaviour (and that of his new girlfriend) landed me in prison because of false allegations like the ones you are talking about. It’s a complex story which I will tell one day but if I could travel back in time, I would have removed myself the minute these behaviours started.

Please walk away.

Des'ree got it wrong by the way...love will not save the day.

An old friend of mine was discharged similarly because of what he witnessed during the Bosnian war. It was heartbreaking to see how it affected him, it damaged him permanently. That is no excuse however to abuse other people. He needs to seek counsel/therapy. He also needs to stop drinking as that seems to be the main trigger. I'd walk away if I were you until he's had the help he needs and changes his behaviour.

Please contact women’s aid before ending things.
When you do end it, contact the police and report any harassment in his pursuit of you.
He may become dangerous.

Also, I agree with @mpsw , I was in the army for almost 2 decades, I only know a small handful of people who’d been shot, none who’d been shot on more than one occasion. (Lots and lots who’d been blown up to varying degrees). I’d be slightly suspicious of this part of his history.

Army ptsd isn't his fault. Being an abusive alcoholic is within his control.
He quits the drink or loses you for good. You aren't his therapist or a doormat op.

Definitely split, but be very careful. He sounds dangerous.

He needs to stop drinking x

This is not a safe relationship for you. Your Mum's advice is terrible, and as a mother I'm shocked she advised you to stay with him. This immediately reminded me of the case of poor Alice Ruggles. Please be very careful and take advice on how to stay safe when you end the relationship, which you must do.

hi OP, this sounds like a text book case of PTSD. he needs help not just with counselling but psychiatric intervention. he should speak to his gp. also 100% stop drinking. unless he does these two things, I am afraid you have to leave

I saw an amazing quote on here the other day (apologies if I’ve got it slightly wrong) “women are not rehab centres for dysfunctional men” and it’s really stuck with me.

Your mum is so wrong, this could easily escalate to violence, please protect yourself. He needs to fix his own issues, it’s not your responsibility.

100 % agree.

He needs help, but reading your posts and seeing the type of messages he sends, he sounds dangerous and your safety is at risk until he commits to getting help and working on his problems. I don't think your mum really understands what a high risk situation he is creating for you.

This won't change. He can't manage his drink and continues to carry on drinking. Drink is more important than you.

Thanks for all of your responses so far.

To answer some questions;

We do not live together, we each have our own places. However we spent half the time sleeping over at each others. And he’s recently done his house up he said with me in mind, bought extra wardrobes for my things etc and always reminds me that his home is as much mine now. We talk about living together properly in the future when I’m not tied down to my tenancy. He is very lovely despite him having these monster episodes.

His paranoia is not solely about me/me cheating on him. For example if we go to a restaurant, he needs to have his back to the wall. If there are waiters walking closely behind him and he can’t see what’s happening he feels under threat. I’ve no doubt that’s stemmed from his army days. Also if he’s woken up from his sleep he appears to wake up prepared for battle before eventually gathering his surroundings.

We’re suppose to be going on holiday together on Sunday, and last night in his drunken faze told me to forget about it and that he wants to go alone. Just a few hours before we were on the phone excitedly talking about it, telling me how much he loves me and making plans for the holiday.

He’s not working today and no doubt not woken up yet. I’m wondering if it was really just the drink talking last night. I hate this.

He's not in a fit state to have a relationship. He needs professional help.

You can sympathise with what he's gone through but you don't have to sit around being treated like shit every time he has a few beers in the meantime. I'd be extremely worried that his behaviour would escalate to being more controlling or even violent.

It will damage you to be with someone like this. It's really not worth it.

Do you ever talk to him about this when things are ‘good’? That is the time to talk to him about his behaviour and the effect it has on you. Has he seen those texts he sends and reflected when he is sober and calm?

If he says he loves you and wants to be with you he has to recognise that the demons awakened by drinking need to be dealt with and he has to stop the drinking.

You’re making excuses for him in this post. Wanting his back to the wall is not a reason to treat you so badly. I like my back to the wall after a childhood of having food nicked by my brother. Doesn’t make turn me into an abusive twat.

OP, I’ve been there. I know how you feel but you will lose yourself. Nothing excuses his behaviour, he can choose not to get drunk. It is his choice and he doesn’t care because he’s got you snared. All he has to do is pay lip service to an apology and you’re back.

Your Mum is so wrong @Brooklans you should leave this relationship and should have ended it the first time he made horrible accusations towards you. You should only ever date someone who is kind and respectful towards you 100% of the time.

Be very careful when you break up with him because he sounds the type to become dangerous. It may be a good idea to speak to Women’s Aid for advice. Don’t be afraid to get the police involved if he makes any threats to harm you or himself.

PTSD or not he has a drinking problem. You don’t have to fix him, it’s not your responsibility.

I don't think you should go on holiday, particularly if its abroad and you won't have easy access to transport?
You would be outside of your normal situation, your own home and away from friends and relatives
He would have plenty of time on his hands with no real distractions and easy access to alcohol.
In the current circumstances you describe - it seems like a huge risk.