Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

[Brooklans]

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

I feel very sorry for your DP. He must have seen some terrible things, and he clearly needs more help and support than he has been given. But this man is also trained to kill, and you really need to stop clinging to the 95% nice guy and worry deeply about the 5% potential killer. The alcohol isn’t helping but he has a choice to drink or not.
Personally, I could not go on like that. Waking up to 9 messages accusing you of fucking someone is not acceptable. This man is deeply troubled. As someone else said, it’s lucky you are not living together. Start to distance yourself. And tell him very clearly that his messages are completely out of order and abusive and you will not put up with it. Don’t reply when he apologises this time. Let him stew. And seriously think about your safety. You really need to start putting yourself first. He’s a trained killer. He’s paranoid and he doesn’t trust you…. Get out now before he gets physical.

" But as for several times, we’ll who knows I guess."

See I'd have to be certain I wasn't dating an embellisher, a tall tale spinner, a manipulative fantasist. 'Who knows I guess' wouldn't come close to cutting it for me.
I think he sounds rather performative to me...but I'm a cynical bitch.

Run for the hills, he will only get worse, particularly if you don't think he will get counselling or take any steps to stop this from happening. To be clear: this is emotional abuse.

The problem is with this 5%

what if you move in with him and it becomes 10%?

Then you get married and it becomes 25%?

Then you get pregnant and it becomes 50%?

Suddenly you and a child are trapped in an abusive relationship.

He needs to:

1. Recognise this as a problem
2. Get professional help
3. Stop all the triggers (i.e. drinking)

You need to:

1. Forget about love until this is resolved
2. Recognise that you didn't cause it and that you can't control it or fix it
3. Think about how much time and energy you are willing to invest

You stand on the precipice of something that may change your life forever, for the worse. Be careful.

Sorry but your mum is approaching this completely wrong.

'It's only 5% of the time'...wtf? You can't be abused for 5% of your life! That's 4 years if you live to 80. I'd say any abuse - ANY - is too much and unacceptable. You can be with someone who is only abusive once a year and still end up dead. Being abused once is once too much. I think your mum is talking from a very old fashioned viewpoint where people HAD to stay married and looked on the bright side, so if he slapped you well at least he wasn't punching you, and if he drank 5 nights a week well at least it wasn't 7. But now we know we don't have to put up with abuse

Also 'it's the drink talking'...does someone tie him down and pour the drink down his mouth and then force him to call you? If not then it's him choosing to drink and act like this. Which is why you can't use 'It wasn't me, it was the drink' in any crime. You can't say 'it was the drink that made me crash' when you drink drive, and you can't say 'it was the drink that made me aggressive, I'm normally a pacifist' if you assault someone on a night out, and expect anyone to just shrug it off. So it's not OK or fair to blame the drink when he abuses you, knowing that he has a history of abusing you when he drinks. And its absolutely ridiculous that he then just ignores it when he is sober. Why isn't he mortified about how he treated you and saying he is never going to drink again etc? If I regularly hurt people I loved when I drank, I wouldn't drink. It's that simple. Unless I was an alcoholic. And if he is an abusive alcoholic, its never going to stop and you need to leave him anyway.

I feel for him, it sounds like he is suffering. And its common for him to feel angry and feel like he needs alcohol to cope. But PTSD doesn't excuse regular drunken abuse. PTSD doesn't automatically make someone jealous and paranoid. Nobody has to put up with abuse and aggression because the other person is ill. Yes it's shit for him, but if you put up with it all it won't actually help him, it will just make it shit for you as well

You need to leave, as much as you love him, this relationship isn't good for either of you.

@Brooklans

Give it up now for your own safety.

My brother and my sister's partner are both ex-military. Both have problems but my brother is worse. He's a moody fucker at best, could start an argument in an empty room, can't work for/with other people. Touchy as fuck so you always have to watch him (ok, they were both twats before joining, but the army just made them bigger twats) I am NC with the pair of them.

And as for having a bullet he claims was cut out of him after being shot? I have a bullet in my desk. I wasn't ever shot, I found it when renovating my home. And I doubt medics would bother saving a spent bullet for someone to have as a souveneir.

This is painful to read. No it's not the drink talking. He's very, very unwell and shouldn't be anywhere near a relationship. He's clinging to you because he's unwell and wants you to make it better - this includes being the person to vent his anger and paranoia on when he's feeling bad. If he didn't want to hurt you he wouldn't drink - but he won't, or can't quit. So this will be your life, forever, getting worse until he escalated to beating you as well. Please wake up.

Sorry to read this @Brooklans, I have been in a situation extremely similar.

My ex boyfriend was ex army also, he did about 12 years I believe and was also discharged with ptsd and diagnosed as being an alcoholic twice during his 12 years in the army.
His behaviour was almost identical to the one you're describing of your own DP.
(My father was also an abusive ex military man, so I didn't really think it was an unusual way of life if I'm honest)
However what went from paranoia I was cheating became, "nobody would fuck you if I acid attacked you, remember that" to him strangling me, attempting to smash my face into a shop window and once in a pub smacking my face into a table because the pub singer called me baby.

Like your DP, he was nice when he wasn't being a cunt.
Also, I have to say he was so paranoid about cheating because he was a cheat himself.

Just end it, he'll hurt you.
Its terribly sad and heartbreaking you can't help him through his ptsd but before you're riddled with your own from his abuse, run for the hills.

Also, he pissed on me and blamed me, it was my piss, even though it was all over my back, twice, when he was drunk but not massively drunk for it to be obvious he'd wet the bed, I still am unsure if it was an accident or he really just hated women.
When he first joined the army his longterm gf slept with someone else and he never recovered. He was then surrounded by other men who'd had similar experiences and seemed to regard us terribly. There is sadly a culture in male dominated industries of seeing us as sex objects and nothing more.

Please leave x

I don’t doubt he has been shot at several times, but only actually shot once while in the Army. It depends what part of the Army he was in, when he was in and for how long as to how much combat he saw.

I don’t doubt the PTSD and time in a mental ward.

However, he isn’t ready for a relationship since drink is making him paranoid and abusive. He still needs to work on recovery and to stop abusing alcohol.

I would not stay with him if I were you. I agree he could be dangerous to you in his current state.

I don’t think you should go on holiday with him. It sounds like he mainly drinks and gives you abuse when you’re not there.

You don’t want to be in a situation where he’s drinking and abusing you in person and you’ve got nowhere else to go.

Why does he drink if this is how he behaves?

He sounds a potential danger to you

Also can I add, it’s not his fault that he witnessed those terrible things, but it was his decision to join the military, that’s the risk you take when you sign up. The young men and women who join believing they’ll travel the world and get paid a decent salary with a good pension afterwards don’t realise the realities of wartime and unfortunately some leave with horrific experiences soldered into their memories forever, the medals and gratitude received afterwards does not mask the sacrifice.

Trying to block out his memories with alcohol shows he is struggling to process those events, ptsd presents itself in various forms but a common sign is lashing out at those around you.

You will not fix someone like this, he is a flawed individual who may present himself as the perfect mate but deep down lurks a grave danger to your mental and physical wellbeing.

Leave him. But be careful when you do as that is when they can turn particularly nasty. Consider contacting women's aid for an escape plan. You may want to seriously consider changing your mobile number and possibly even moving house.

Do not go on holiday with him

My DH is a horrible person when he’s drunk apparently. He hates everyone, gets angry, smashes things up.

I say apparently because I’ve never actually seen it. He doesn’t drink because he knows what he’s like.

Your DP can choose not to drink alcohol to protect you from his anger and paranoia when he’s drunk. Or he can choose to drink. It’s his choice.

He could choose to have counselling to help or he could choose to continue on as he is. It’s his choice.

He’s making his choices.

You can choose to accept his behaviour or you could choose to walk away. You’re fully entitled to make your choices too.

I cannot imagine a situation as a mother where I encourage my child to put up with this.

And if it's every 3 weeks this happens, he's horrible to you for a night, wakes up a bit later (so about 12 hours) and then it takes a week or so for things to mend, that's actually a quarter of the time. So it's more like 25% instead of 5% that you're miserable and you don't deserve this. He could work on stopping drinking to treat you better but it doesn't sound like he's put any effort into that. Life is too short and statistically abuse actually escalates, so while it's only while he's had a drink and you're not there, there's no way of saying thinks won't change for the worse.

It doesn't matter whether his issues are down to PTSD or whether he is just an arsehole: the impact on you is the same, and you do not have to put up with it. The fact that someone used to be a soldier doesn't mean you can't leave them when they're abusive.

It's also worth noting that plenty of men who have not been in the military and do not have PTSD behave in this way too, so it's perfectly possible his unpleasant behaviour towards you at times is actually unconnected to his mental health issues.

Exactly this. And once he's made that choice, you can choose whether to stay or leave.

I know mental health is different for everyone but his behaviour towards you does not sound PTSD related. My on again off again partner of 5 years behaves almost identically towards me as yours does to you, also worsens when drinking away from me. Also happens regularly andbhas become like routine for our relationship now.

after 6 minths of counselling, anger management, 6 months of weekly appointments under a psychiatrist and mental health practitioner, He's finally been diagnosed with EUPD and emotional dysreuglation. You have just described my own partner in your OP, and I know it's tough for you living like this and you no doubt feel torn. I dont want to add anymore detials publicly but my inbox is open if you would like to talk to someone dealing with the same behvaiour x

There is no way it’s 5 per cent.

You've described two abusive episodes in a month and a week of phone calls from him. How many days out of that month were you upset by his behaviour?

You said yourself he try’s to pretend nothing happened. So he’s not sorry is he.

Lots of abusive men become argumentative and aggressive when they’ve had a drink. How come his ptsd means he only abuses you?

Get rid op. Let him act out his ptsd on other men. See what happens.

Seems like he is drinking to cope with flashbacks, paranoia. He needs to see a therapist for his ptsd. Can he try hypnotherapy? Does he have support from family and friends?

Regarding his abuse to you, it's not going to resolve just like that. He is dependent on alcohol to cope with his emotions but it adds to his paranoia. He needs help in giving up alcohol by a professional.

Can he afford multiple therapies? Eg hypnotherapy or anyother ptsd therapy for himself and a couple councelling to understand impact on you.

I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for him.

Any man who sees those scary messages he sent you, and still persuades you to go back out with him - so persistently that you ignore your better judgement and give in - is not lovely at all. He's a monster when he's drunk, but he's selfish and unstable when he's not drunk too. Any lovely man would immediately understand why you were scared and wanted to cut things off, then he'd go and get some help, not least to never drink again. With alcohol triggering those kinds of thoughts, he could easily hurt you or kill you. How would your mum feel then? Seriously OP, don't listen to her or to this guy. He's only thinking of himself and doesn't give a shit that this would be your life. Definitely don't move in together and if there has to be a 'next time' he turns on you like this, end it for good, block him, and get support to stick with that.

Yep. Agree with above.

I think most of us are pretty much wasting our time typing it out though. OP wants to soothe her war hero boyfriend and will continue to provide a target for his selfishness.

Which is up to OP of course.