Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

[Brooklans]

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

Omg this is chilling , I'd dump him faster than lightening ! If he is like this why is he drinking ? Op please don't settle for this .

OP, you sound full of kindness and love, and sympathy - but you are putting yourself at risk because he makes you feel eaten up with guilt. Why? What have you actually done to deserve his treatment.

You would not be a bad person by refusing to engage with him while he is like this. You would be doing him a favour.

If he cares about you he will seek help. He will have access to resources to help him get better - he chooses not to.

Please devote some of this love, sympathy and kindness to YOURSELF.
Take care of yourself. Putting yourself first is not selfish.
It's self-preservation, self-respect and self-esteem.

So much good advice on this thread. Please listen to it and protect yourself.

If drink makes you behave badly you shouldn’t drink, either of you. OP you are copying your mum and dads mistakes because you were brought up to expect abuse was normal.
Break the cycle and stop making excuses. This man is an enormous abusive red flag

Please google Fear - Obligation - Guilt.
You should not feel afraid of your partner. You are not obliged to modify your behaviour to prevent his frightening outbursts; and you should not feel guilty for putting your own needs first.

''Often, a gut feeling signals to you that something isn't right. You may begin to question your abilities, feel afraid to lose the relationship, feel guilt and then oblige by giving into the expectation of the other person. This is the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) cycle''
https://www.georgebrown.ca/news/2020/counselling-corner-fear-obligation-and-guilt-in-relationships

I think that you are assuming that he is fundamentally like your dad, verbally abusive when drunk but not dangerous.
I would suggest that your boyfriend seems to have deeper issues, his accusations seem unhinged and quite scary frankly, how do you know that one day he will start accusing you of something without drinking, when he’s bored, when the initial glow has gone from the relationship. You are taking a big risk.

Dump him. It's not worth it. Mental health isn't an excuse that makes it OK for you putting up with bad behaviour. It is abusive. If you move in together it will get worse. Why spend time and energy trying to make this right when you'll just get sucked in further with his behaviour escalating and it becoming harder to leave.

I know several people with poor mental health who have made their partner's and families lives hell on earth - with the worst imaginable emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse. Some ex-military, some not. Several involved alcohol, some did not. The women in question didn't go in knowing it would be like that. The man's mental health didn't mean it was OK to put up with.

Please protect yourself and dump him. It really isn't worth the risk.

OP is this is happening every 3 weeks, it is a LOT more than 95%. If it happened once or twice a year, I would say it's bearable. But EVERY SINGLE MONTH?!?? That's ridiculous and I wouldn't put up with it. If this happens when he drinks - he needs to STOP FUCKING DRINKING. Permanently. For good. If alcohol does this to him, he can never touch a drop ever again. It's really that simple.

His true self comes out when drinking. In Vino Veritas. He really thinks low of you as a person. The drink allows it to come out.

He is a mess. He keeps using alcohol even though he knows what it does to him. He thinks very badly of you. He is nasty and aggressive. What is there to love about this hateful pos? Seriously, do you need this drama? Walking on eggshells every....three.....weeks? He isn't worth it. Ditch him (unless he is willing to ditch the alcohol forever and get therapy) and get your life back. Aint no one got tome for his drama and abuse.

@Brooklans

If he does this every 3 weeks, and then he contacts you for days until you give in, then if we say roughly 4 weeks in a month, this behaviour is 25% of every month!

Surely you don’t want to live like this forever?

You want to have a family at some point perhaps?

Would you really, truly, want a family with this man?

That site cannot provide advice outside US

I did suggest some places where OP could access UK support and advice from veterans, and I hope that in the six months since the thread began, there has been some progress

Please get out of this relationship while it's still fairly straightforward. This is going to be the tip of the iceberg, and everything you've said makes me scared for you. Get out as gently and in the most boring way possible. Don't give him any drama or feedback. Put ring cameras up inside and out first. I sound like I'm maybe overreacting, but it all sounds familiar and I think he's likely to become a danger to you. The 5% of the time is the more real version of him and the 95% version will start to change over to the scary version over time.