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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

261 replies

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 09:07

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 20/09/2023 10:09

This is no way to live OP. If you insist on staying with him, please please do not live with him ever. Don't be alone with him when he's drinking. I won't give you a glimmer of hope by saying maybe he will give up the booze for you because he's using it to self medicate and he won't be able to give it up. Really you should throw this one back and find someone who's lovely 100% of the time. 95% is not good enough when the other 5% is really nasty.

GrinAndVomit · 20/09/2023 10:12

It can takes seconds for a man to end a woman’s life. Much less than 5% of the time.

AluckyEllie · 20/09/2023 10:15

Leave him. Whether or not it’s PTSD, a drinking problem or him being a game playing narc it’s no way to live. Do you want to always be on edge when you know he’s going out for a drink? Wasting hours talking him down, going over the same old shit?

This is meant to be the easy honeymoon stage! Imagine living with him, the mood swings and paranoia. Do you want kids? This is not a man who will be a good father.

Hellofromtheotherslide · 20/09/2023 10:22

No, no, no OP. Please don't accept this relationship. Regardless of MH issues, he is choosing to be abusive and controlling. He is waving these red flags at you before you have committed to moving in etc. Don't ignore them. You know it isn't right otherwise you wouldn't be posting. Your mother is also wrong, being abused and controlled 5% of the time is 5% too much. Murderers are nice 95% of the time, should we ignore the fact that they have killed the other 5%? That logic of any relationship is warped.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 20/09/2023 10:25

You’re not safe with him.

Escapingafter50years · 20/09/2023 10:26

HE should not be in a relationship. He is very damaged and abusive but I don't get the impression he is currently addressing this?

Why are YOU in this relationship? Your mother's ridiculous response makes me wonder have you been brought up to accept unacceptable behaviour. No abuse is acceptable in a relationship, not even 1% and certainly not 5%.

He doesn't seem to acknowledge his horribly abusive behaviour after he sobers up and you don't seem to be holding him to account. So he gets away with it and thus continues. His alcohol abuse will get worse if he doesn't address his problems and you will bear the brunt even more. So long as you are there he will not address his problems.

This is absolutely toxic, you need to remove yourself and hopefully follow some of the recommendations from posters above referring you to supportive organisations. At the very least talk to Womens' Aid asap and ask their opinion about the holiday, personally I think it could be incredibly dangerous for you and truly hope you cancel or go without him.

Frogger8395 · 20/09/2023 10:26

Several posters who are ex military have doubts about him being shot at. How do you feel about that op?

If he was sorry he would stop doing it. He’s an abuser.

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 10:28

He clearly has significant mental health issues. However, that's not an excuse for abuse. If he is unwilling to seek help for these issues, and make the changes necessary to stop these incidents and this level of paranoia (including therapy, possibly medication and definitely no drinking) then he does not really love you. Because someone who really loved you would not put you through this.

Also, as a side note, I am a happy drunk. But I have never understood people who are bad drunks who continue to drink. what is the point? If you're not having a good time, why do it?!

Muchonachomiamigo · 20/09/2023 10:30

Women are not rehabs for men.

He needs professional support and to stop drinking. Now.

You don't have to tolerate this. The 5% could be incredibly dangerous to you. What he does to you is not love.

54isanopendoor · 20/09/2023 10:30

This is the perfect post.
Please listen to this.

AdaColeman · 20/09/2023 10:32

That is dreadful and quite frightening advice from your Mother. It illustrates the sort of mindset that actually encourages women to put up with abuse from their partners.

One thing you can be sure of @Brooklans is that his abusive behaviour towards you will get worse. It might only be violent words now, but soon it will be physical violence.

You are already frightened of him, this is no way to live your life. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Be careful, as you cannot know how he will react at the ending of your relationship, get help and support in place before you do anything else.

Spambod · 20/09/2023 10:33

With a mum like you have i am not surprised you think it is ok to be in an abusive relationship. Your self esteem is really low. If you move in with him and god forbid have a child, his behaviour will really escalate. Do you want a future like this. Running to a refuge, running back again because he's such a sweetheart really!
Even getting out now will be really challenging as he will just stalk you like he did last time and potentially worse.
He keeps on showing you who he really is and you keep ignoring it.

Whataretheodds · 20/09/2023 10:33

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 20/09/2023 09:21

He can choose to drink and be nasty to you, or he can choose to stop drinking. He needs to make a choice about what is more important.

Nails it.

And if he chooses not to seek professional help he's saying he doesn't care enough about you or your relationship.

54isanopendoor · 20/09/2023 10:33

sorry I meant that @IkeaMeatballGravy post is perfect. Read it. Act on it.

MrsCarson · 20/09/2023 10:34

Your Mum is wrong. He's not stable and you need to move on. You aren't there to fix him.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 10:37

Please don't go on holiday with him, you will be trapped and I bet you he will have a nasty episode in person, it's the natural escalation of an abusive partner.

Do not go.

Nam3chang384 · 20/09/2023 10:38

He needs to stop drinking until he is well enough not to treat you like this when he is drunk. He deserves your empathy and your support to get better but he owes it to you to do everything he can to avoid these situations arising. It sounds like not drinking would be a very easy way to avoid the behaviour in the short term (albeit won't magically make him 'better').

SomeCatFromJapan · 20/09/2023 10:39

You are not safe in this situation. He might actually kill you.

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/09/2023 10:39

IkeaMeatballGravy · 20/09/2023 09:31

If you haven't been together long OP I would walk away from this one. My DH is a veteran and many of his friends have been through this and he has also had to arrange counselling for himself due to his experiences. The ones who have made the best recoveries are the ones who have sought help themselves and have given up drink completely, but it's a long road to recovery.

It's not up to you to fix this man, I knew my DH before he was deployed and he wasn't nasty to me, but even so, if he hadn't taken steps to get better I probably would have considered breaking up. The other thing to consider is that this behaviour may not be as a result of PTSD, that he is just using his problems as an excuse for his abuse.

You don't owe this man a relationship because he served his country.

Please listen to this.

If he won't give up alcohol altogether, he is not the man for you.

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/09/2023 10:42

  1. Never have children with him

  2. End the relationship before the 5% turns to 10, 15, 20 and then physical.

At this point you have control, act now.

BoohooWoohoo · 20/09/2023 10:42

If he wants to be in a relationship then he needs to stop drinking. This change needs to come from him though.

I think that your mum is very wrong. Forgiving him gives him no incentive to change or sort out his issues and it's not your job to put up with his behaviour. If I was your mum then I would say block and run. Please don't have a child with him because it will fuck then up having a dad like that.

Topseyt123 · 20/09/2023 10:44

He'll drink plenty on holiday. It will be a disaster. Daily.

I wouldn't go. Or take him at his word and he goes alone.

Stop making excuses for him. This is a man who will make your life a misery and who could turn and kill you. You need to get away from him. You won't though.

Original poster
Brooklans · 20/09/2023 10:44

Frogger8395 · 20/09/2023 10:26

Several posters who are ex military have doubts about him being shot at. How do you feel about that op?

If he was sorry he would stop doing it. He’s an abuser.

I know for sure he’s been shot at least once as the paper did an article on him and his time in the army, he kept the bullet as a souvenir after they pulled it out of him. But as for several times, we’ll who knows I guess.

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 20/09/2023 10:47

If he loves you and wants to be with you he will need to stop drinking on his own. He knows this triggers him, and his behaviour is not something you need to put up with.
it is a choice he will need to make - but you need to communicate to him that he will need to make that choice!

JustAnotherUsey · 20/09/2023 10:48

I suggest you tell him you can't be with him until he's got help. Tell him he needs to stop drinking so should go to AA maybe. Also tell him he needs to see a councilor for about 6 months before you agree to try and be with him. I'm sure the army can offer the counseling for free