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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

650 replies

healthgal · 20/09/2023 07:59

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

  • fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
  • avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
  • drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
  • only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Hmmmbetterchangethis · 20/09/2023 08:04

Only if you talk about it constantly.

Are you very rigid in other aspects of your life/routine?

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 08:04

No that's not extremist and that's not the problem. Have you been looking in places where health conscious men might hang out?

KenIsAnAccessory · 20/09/2023 08:07

Doubt it very much, unless you're particularly judgemental about other people and their habits. More likely to be something else IMO.

Wakeywake · 20/09/2023 08:09

It's not what I would call an extreme life style but yes, I suspect it would get tedious quite quickly for a partner. The apple cider vinegar would give me the ick and only eating some home cooked plant based dinners means never going out for a meal, not being able to share cooking?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/09/2023 08:09

do you either bang on about it and / or expect a partner to be the same? If so, that could be the reason? If not, then no, I don’t think it’s that extreme.

I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t even have the occasional alcoholic drink or who expected me to be teetotal around them so you wouldn’t be the partner for me - though I’m sure I’m not your type!

good luck. You sound like a catch to me so I hope you find your mr / ms right.

MichelleScarn · 20/09/2023 08:09

Agree with pp it's not that unusual these days unless you are very performative about it!

Deliaskis · 20/09/2023 08:09

It's a hard question to answer, it might be a factor, it might not. Simply eating or not eating certain things is not really that big a deal for most people. I wonder though as your friend has mentioned it, and you call it a 'lifestyle' (rather than simply choosing to eat or not eat certain foods), whether it's a bigger part of how you 'present' than you might think. By that I mean do you talk about it much, or at all, do you try to explain to or convince others if the benefits, do you just say 'no thanks' to a KFC, or do you say 'ugh I never eat fast food, do you know what does into it, they've proven xyz' etc.? That would be tedious and off-putting to a lot of people. But then maybe they aren't the people you'd be interested in anyway, and maybe you don't do this. My point is, calling your food preferences a 'lifestyle that you deeply believe in' is something that some people might find a bit....holier than thou, if you know what I mean. The fact your friend has raised it sort of suggests this might be a factor.

Twistyemily · 20/09/2023 08:11

I only eat lunch and dinner. I hardly ever mention it and I don't talk about it being fasting.
We avoid ultra processed food, eat mainly (but not exclusively) home cooking at home and a moderate amount of meat. Don't eat fast food, but we still go out for meals at restaurants and don't make a big deal about whether the food is healthy or not.
We drink apple cider vinegar daily, but not before every meal and don't fret if we have it with us or not when we're away.

So I don't think your lifestyle would put prospective partners off, but how rigid you are about it, how much you talk about it, could.

JMSA · 20/09/2023 08:11

I love my food, and it's a big part of my enjoyment in life Blush
I couldn't be with someone like you.

That's not to say you're doing anything wrong ... in fact, I wish I were more like you! But I'd find it boring.

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2023 08:12

I don’t think your lifestyle would be compatible with mine; it might be off putting to a partner who wants to go out for dinner with you or share a bottle of wine

Ohthatsabitshit · 20/09/2023 08:12

Well there seem to be a lot of vegans, pescatarians, vegetarians, celiacs, allergy sufferers, or kosher eaters who manage to find partners so at a guess I’d say it’s not that.

FloweryName · 20/09/2023 08:12

Honestly I’d find it weird if my date got out some apple cider vinegar and started swigging it before our main courses arrived. A healthy lifestyle is admirable, but if it’s so strict that there’s never any deviation, life would get boring quickly.

Jennalong · 20/09/2023 08:13

It's your normal , so just live how you like.
I've been with my dh for 15+ years , we've never had a Macdonalds , Kfc ,or even really eaten at any fast food place , it's not our thing , nor are takeaways.

Frydaycryday · 20/09/2023 08:13

It would put me off. I want to beable to grab a KFC at 10 pm and eat it on a Friday night without fear of judgement and ideally... company...with someone.

I want to try new restaurants and not watch someone eat salad.

So yes, it probably is off putting...but find your tribe, your people won't feel like this

honkersbonkers38 · 20/09/2023 08:13

These are not extreme habits. What might be extreme is the obsessiveness.
Most people I know don't eat breakfast. Half my friends are vegetarian and some are even vegan; three close friends are non-drinkers and all of us care about our health. Unless you live surrounded by pizza-stuffing, chocolate-chomping. coke-guzzling alcoholics I cannot see the problem at all!

fruitnutz · 20/09/2023 08:16

Definitely not that. That's just healthy eating. Hundreds of thousands of people eat as you do, even in Britain. Some people have extremely restrictive diets, complex medical needs, round the clock care etc and they are partnered.

Wanderingllama · 20/09/2023 08:17

Yeah we wouldn't match.
I love cooking and homemade meals and cook daily, but UPF and processed foods are still small part of the diet. I keep with with large proportion of my food being on the healthy side. I also don't shy away from takeaway sometimes or dinner out.
But my "lifestyles" would not match with someone inflexible. Like I wouldn't date vegetarian because I like meat and seafood and cook it regularly.

One of these issues is that lots of people think they don't talk about their "lifestyle" much but they do....

Great you gound what works for you, you need to find someone who is into the same thing.

gingercat02 · 20/09/2023 08:17

So do you never eat out or go to a friend's for dinner, go out for a coffee, go to the pub (for a non alcoholic drink)? If so, this will limit initial dating and your social life as a couple. So unless you find someone like-minded, then yes, it may be an issue.

Janieforever · 20/09/2023 08:17

Doesn’t seem remotely unusual or anything that would put someone off, unless you force them to drink vinegar before each meal.

so no, it’s not that.

PaminaMozart · 20/09/2023 08:18

I'm like you in what I eat - minus the ACV 😱- and I do go on about it a bit on MN...... but I rarely mention it in real life. I also wouldn't go as far as never having a glass of wine or never eating at a restaurant

Just going by your post, maybe you are just a bit evangelical and inflexible about your healthy lifestyle?

Cakencookieobsessed · 20/09/2023 08:19

Potentially, if you are that fastidious in other aspects of your life also, maybe without realising.

MagpiePi · 20/09/2023 08:19

If your eating habits are your personality then it could be a factor.

MehtotheChristmasrunup · 20/09/2023 08:20

Why did previous relationships end? I think this might be key as you’ve not had anything long term. Who have you been attracted to and who is attracted to you?

There’s loads of men with prescriptive lifestyles like yours. In my experience men often like rule based diets knowing what they like and don’t like. I doubt that’s it. Men fancy who they fancy and if you’re hot they won’t care that you drink cider vinegar or don’t drink.

PosterBoy · 20/09/2023 08:20

Sounds more like you have a bit of a fixed mindset and are one for following rules. You just need someone who appreciates that aspect of your personality.

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