To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

What’s an FM practitioner?

Out of curiosity I did see if I could find a reliable source on the effects of ACV. It seems that the science supporting the OP's point of view is quite limited. So for people saying she's just being sensible - about some of her diet, yes. But there are aspects of her diet that are dubious.

So for me, the rigidity and the fixed belief in something with very little scientific support would be a problem. Plus, if you had to pick one drink plus water, coffee wouldn't be a good one to pick. Green tea maybe, black coffee no. Now, that's her business. But again, the OP does seem to think she's morally superior in these choices and that would be irksome, particularly when she may well be wrong about some of it.

https://www.webmd.com/diet/apple-cider-vinegar-and-your-health

@healthgal I'm curious to know the reason your past relationships ended. Did you end them? Did they end them? If they did, what reason did they give you? I suspect you might find a lot of useful info by looking back at them.

I think talking about it could be a factor unless the person shared your healthy eating and if you won’t go out for a meal they may feel like they can’t sit and chat other than going for any activity like bowling etc. If you look for a parter that shares the same values as you, you will be winning. My husband healthy eats and fasts at lunch and exercises more than me and we are good together.

1, @healthgal Why don't you create a dating app for likeminded people OR start an FB group for the purpose of

2, @ some posters ... what is your obsession with 'slim' ? Slim does not equal healthy & it absolutely doesn't equate to 'attractive' for anyone but the most shallow.

No. It's probably acting as a sifting process. I don't think I could be with someone who had apple cider vinegar before every meal. The important thing is you need to find someone who shares your enthusiasm or at least doesn't care.

My brother married a vegetarian. However she was fine with him eating meat. I don't think it would've worked out if she hadn't been.

It could be just your honesty but the tone on your post is off-putting. Are you trying to convert people or preachy about not eating processed food, or humble and willing to accept that while you might only eat wholefoods, your future partner might be eating McDs or KFC whilst you roll your eyes?

I expect there are many people who aspire to or share your lifestyle choices. If you wish to meet people who have the same or very similar values to yourself, this will naturally preclude a percentage of people.

You seem to be fairly rigid and perhaps this reflects in other areas of your life, or you are not tolerant of people whose choices are different. For instance, many people socialise in pubs. Are you happy to do this as long as you are not pressured to drink alcohol? Is there some flexibility regarding timing of meals, etc?

I think, provided you have a degree of flexibility and don't show displeasure in other people's choices or lecture them about their choices, it may just be that you haven't found the right person yet.

If you make a big thing of it then it would be off putting, and I guess you do as your friend has noted it and flagged it.

This is a wonderfully pragmatic way of looking at this situation, and I personally hope the OP reads it. It certainly resonates with me.

I do my best to avoid UPF, am vegetarian and having an allergy to garlic. My DH is immensely supportive of my needs, ringing up a restaurant in advance to make sure they serve some choices without garlic, cooking food from scratch and latterly has himself modified his eating to being quite aligned to how I eat, without me asking him to - which has brought him health benefits too.

OP you will find someone who cares about living a healthy lifestyle and doesn't see it as any big deal recognising your personal preferences and supporting you in that. Good luck.

You skip breakfast, cook mostly plant based, AND are willing to eat what is out in front of you at someone else’s house.

this all sounds perfectly lovely. I have a brother. He skips breakfast and needs to eat more vegetables… just saying. lol.

Compromise in a relationship is natural, normal, and healthy because no two people want or like the same things. But if your dates feel like they are always the one compromising or always giving in to your wishes and whims, that's one of the signs of unhealthy compromise in a relationship.
Could I ask you to reflect on how you react when your routine is impossible to follow (say a long day of air travel
And delays etc) and if your reactions to those kinds of days might put others off as too much hard work for them?

There are plenty of healthy eaters out there, vegans, omfg, etc.

There might be chances to meet some men and a cooking class, retreat, or some other healthy activity.

I'm teetotal, eat a plant based diet and drink only water or earl grey. I also exercise quite a lot.

Probably very few of my friends and family either know or think about my eating preferences because it's not a personality. It's had zero effect on my ability to find or maintain any sort of relationship, whether familial, friendship or romantic (been with DH for a quarter of a century).

I can only imagine that extreme diets or evangelism would affect relationships. Eating healthily and not bothering with breakfast is not extreme.

I wonder if you are coming across as judgemental as well.

Vegans aren't necessarily healthy eaters. Meat substitutes can be the most heavily processed there is. Ditto margarine- nothing but oil and flavorings.

I don't understand why anyone would need ACV or advice from the glucose godess if their diet contains little sugar. If your diet is low gi there shouldn't be damaging sugar spikes.

Glucose godess is clearly only published via vanity press.

I don’t know if anyone has said vegan = healthy?

think people have considered OP is a healthy eater because she said she is:

“avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)” and she’s doesn’t drink sugary fizzy or fruit drinks if she’s only having water and black coffee.

So it’s not necessarily because she is a vegan. ACV is too acidic for my liking but if it’s not doing any harm to the lining of her stomach as it would mine or any other harm, then she should crack on.

Agree with both of you, I’m not vegan but the guy I’m dating is and makes his own healthy meals eating very little UPFs.

I’m not as healthy as him but I don’t drink, smoke and am on a health journey in that I avoid junk food and reducing my sugar intake gradually. I will check restaurants have vegan options and often tell the serving staff he is vegan so no mistakes happen.

I haven’t cooked for him yet but when I do of course I’ll ensure it’s vegan and I’m always very positive about it. Instead of being negative and saying something like “ugh I’d hate to not eat chicken again” or how can you live without x, y or z, I say things like

“I’m proud of you for sticking to your principles and taking care of your health”

He loves to cook for me and if we ever move in together without a doubt my diet will become healthier and I don’t think that’s a bad thing!

Good point. If a platonic friend sees OP as perhaps too rigid in her lifestyle it’s likely partners have as well. I’d be interested to know if the date who liked going for breakfast ended the relationship or OP.

This is a depressing thread, so many replies saying OP won't be fun to be around, or joyless, or just not for them, all because she chooses to eat healthy and take care of her body by not dumping processed food in it 24/7. Someone even said OP had psych0logical issues because she ate healthy!!!

I eat a diet similar to OP because I have many food allergies. It certainly would be joyless existence for me if my loved ones expect me to stuff my face with dairy or gluten (both of which I love but CANNOT have) and thus they decide to erase me off their lives. Thank god these allergies appeared after I got married, otherwise looks like I might have been single forever 🙄

My DH is Muslim and also fairly health conscious so doesn’t drink at all and in the main prefers unprocessed foods but he’s not that strict that he won’t have a McDonald’s with us. Maybe you need to be a little more flexible?

So there are people like this, who would actually end a relationship with a nice person and a potentially great human to have in your life, just because they can't have cheese and port with you?

I can't wrap my head around this at all. When I go out, my partner has cheese and whiskey. I can't have gluten or dairy, so I have some nuts and a mocktail. He doesn't judge me for it, and neither do I judge him, for eating stuff that I can't eat. Anyway, we don't go out to solely eat and share our plates with each other. We go out to enjoy each other's company. It is not in the rule book in our life that our spouses should eat the same thing! It is surreal that there are people out there who will break up over this - and yet the expectation is always finding that person who will love and accept the way you are 😶

This is a depressing thread, so many replies saying OP won't be fun to be around, or joyless, or just not for them, all because she chooses to eat healthy and take care of her body by not dumping processed food in it 24/7. Someone even said OP had psych0logical issues because she ate healthy!!!

@captainmarvella It is not what OP eats but the rigidity within which she eats it. And the fact she is not honest up front with her dates.

It is not in the rule book in our life that our spouses should eat the same thing!

But in OP's case, she won't ever eat breakfast with her partner because she refuses to eat anything before 1pm.

I don't care if the person I'm with is eating the same thing as me, but there's something very sociable about sharing a meal together and for me personally, that's a big part of being in a relationship. I wouldn't be interested in someone who was never able to go out for breakfast or to the pub for a nice lunch.

^^ exactly.

I don't really care what other people eat, but to be so rigid that you'd never go out for breakfast or stop somewhere for lunch - it's just not for me.

What does rigidity mean here. I don't see anything rigid. It looks like OP has found a diet that works for her and follows it in a disciplined manner.

OP says in her second post, "I will go for an occasional meal out and have an occasional glass of wine," so that actually means she is not rigid.

I do accept that this here is not ok - "I don't tend to bring any of this up unless asked". It is better to be upfront about all this, on your first date.

It depends what you mean by rigidity, are teetotallers, and vegans rigid?