To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

I'm not judging at all and admire your approach - I couldn't do it though try to be healthy. I wonder if it makes you come across as not much fun - when maybe you're loads of fun given half a chance. There must be dating sites geared towards health and fitness people? Maybe give one of those a try? But dating is always a numbers game. Good luck OP.

Imo no, those habits alone won't be the thing.

Oh - not going to the cafe for a fry up. You could have gone and just had avocado on rye or something?

But I don't eat before 1pm

when I met DH he was a vegetarian for ethical reasons. I really really wasn’t. Over time I am now a pescatarian and while DH went through a ‘sugar is the devil’ phase he will eat a slice of chocolate cake. And isn’t so fastidious.

I think your rules are fine but you say they ‘include’ these. So are there more? Living like this means you can’t go out to restaurants easily (how many weddings can there be in a year?) and food is linked to and limited to health. Food is more than that. It’s culture, community, comfort and all of those things. It’s possible to have all of that without drinking apple cider vinegar before every meal.

It’s also if I can say this a restrictive view of health. We can try and tick every healthy box but that doesn’t mean much. Of course we should try and be healthy- I cook from scratch almost every day and try to exercise regularly but it’s not a ‘lifestyle.’ If this is your lifestyle then you need to find someone who shares that.

I use apple cider vinegar to catch fruit flies. So seeing someone drink it would be pretty gross.

I do the same, slightly less strict in that I will have some wine and I do eat lean meat for some meals so it doesn't seem that extreme to me.
I don't think it would put off men who are into support and fitness, a lot of them are very into health and nutrition, although they may try and convert you to going to the gym!
I live with DH and varying numbers of adult sons, we manage to cook meals that suit everyone by adding and subtracting elements, .I've learned how to make pastry with olive oil for instance!

Maybe it's the way you communicate it. If you go on about it it's boring and tedious.

I also don't eat breakfast , but I don't call it fasting I just can't eat early in the morning

I don't need a partner to follow the same lifestyle

It sounds as though you kind of do, though. What if you had gone to the cafe and just had a (herbal) tea/coffee?

I would say you've reduced your dating pool, but I don't think that's necessarily a problem.

If you're finding people who are initially compatible who then don't keep seeing you, it may be due to perceived inflexibility and possibly feeling intimidated. I know a lot of people can get funny if someone won't "keep them company" when drinking, even if for something like being a designated driver.

I doubt that’s it tbh and men are more likely to openly communicate if it’s a problem. I feel men would ignore any objections they had with your diet for a woman they see a future with.

As someone who has been overweight at times due to overeating on sugary foods, I think that would be more off putting to men.

I did get put off one guy who only ate one meal a day and the odd bit of fruit despite the fact he worked out at the gym for hours. He wasn’t vegetarian but didn’t eat a lot of fish & meat except liver…didn’t consume a wide range of vegetables either. I raised it with him out of concern but he was adamant he was eating enough. It fizzled out for other reasons but it was a bit of an amber flag for me.

The guy I’m seeing now is vegan and is also very healthy and I think it’s a good thing even though our diets aren’t the same.

I think some people would find this approach to food interesting, without following it themselves.
Wondering if OP is also looking for slim and reasonably attractive?...

But it is a restrictive choice to say ‘I never ever eat before 1 pm’ as opposed to ‘I largely do this but once a week I do X because it brings us pleasure as a couple.’ Even if you just sat there and sipped something but joined in the conversation.

I think your friend is kindly trying to tell you that you're making a song and dance over your eating habits and that fussiness is what's offputting, not your choices themselves.

Although, yes, I would be put off someone quaffing ACV on a date.

For instance, you don't eat breakfast. Fine. No big deal. But to call it a fast and quote the benefits indicates you may be somewhat fastidious and set in your ways and maybe a touch humourless about your habits.

I know that doesn't sound very nice to hear but I would advise a careful think about how you come across if you've been looking for 15 years and are attractive, well and successful.

Eat what you like but it really isn't that interesting and doesn't merit much discussion.

😂😂😂
If I'm eating out, I'll normally order a side salad and put some vinegar on it, to eat before the main course.
Marginally less odd looking? 👀

What a bizarre hypothesis, OP!

You’re not extremist at all. I don’t eat sugar, gluten and dairy and I managed to find a boyfriend (who loves cheese).

Just don’t make it a thing, which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing. Good luck!

I don't think it would be a major factor in relationships failing. But I do think in the early months of a relationship you need to be flexible and open to new experiences in order to bond with someone and get to know them organically (that doesn't mean subsuming yourself or giving up strongly held principles).

Perhaps your last date interpeted your reluctance to have a weekend breakfast with him and you not wanting to spend time getting to know him?

Are there wellness/healthy eating communities you could you to seek a date with someone who has the same attitude to healty eating as you?

@healthgal but you drink? Nice green tea - I don't know. The point is you believe your diet/lifestyle may have impacted on this relationship. Which kind of gives you a possible answer why some relationships haven't worked out.

If I was dating, I'd want someone I could go for a pizza with. Not someone with psychological issues around food.

I won't get too far into it but I'd say that the 'socially accepted way of eating' ultra processed and high sugar foods, which people are addicted to, are the ones with psychological issues.

Yes that would have 100% put my brothers and DH off. They wouldn't like the rigidness of it.

Providing you are not insisting or in any way criticising someone else's eating choices, I see no issue. Even though it is unusual.

Your friend said there was one aspect of your lifestyle that might be off putting. And I tend to agree with her.

I follow most of your guidelines for eating about 85% of the time but no one knows about them. I just crack on and eat what suits me. The other 15% of the time when I'm in company or out for meals I still mainly eat what suits me but am flexible to suit the environment. The fact that people know about your 'rules' indicates you can be obsessive about them and obsession is always unattractive.

Your friend sounds tactful, just referring to one aspect of your life. Are there other things you obsess about? What is your attitude to exercise? Do you maintain unusually high/strict standards in other areas of your life that other people might find intimidating or off putting?

Finally - what's with the ACV? If you are eating a healthy, unprocessed, mainly plant based diet there is absolutely no need to worry about glucose spikes. I speak from experience here.

Being so fixated on "health" sounds pretty joyless to me. All things in moderation is much more appealing, and I would definitely prefer to be with someone who enjoys their food. Life is for living, and then we die - worrying about our health is pointless, so I think I would be incompatible with someone who feels the same as OP.

Wait - people who don't eat your way have psychological issues?