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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

650 replies

healthgal · 20/09/2023 07:59

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

  • fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
  • avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
  • drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
  • only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Twistyemily · 20/09/2023 09:03

Bellaboo01 · 20/09/2023 08:56

I'm guessing this is an AI/ Zoe advertisement post!

If it is then it hasn't worked. I'm put off Zoe for sure.
Op - you should speak to your friend again. I suspect you're coming over as more evangelical than you think, in words and actions.

PaminaMozart · 20/09/2023 09:03

When I suggested going with your boyfriend for his fry-up and breaking your fast a couple of hours earlier than usual, I meant actually eating something - not just having a black coffee! Cafes generally do healthy breakfasts as well as fry-ups. Avocado on toast, omelette, etc.

You just seem very rigid about your routine...

Whataretheodds · 20/09/2023 09:04

healthgal · 20/09/2023 08:56

With the cafe breakfast example though; is me going and sitting with a black coffee while he has a full English actually going to fulfil what he had in mind? I sort of doubt it. But I obviously can't be sure on that so will consider that more carefully going forward.

Did you ever try it, though?

Iheartmysmart · 20/09/2023 09:04

That would drive me insane. I’ve got a friend who is very into health, fitness and diet etc. It’s all she talks about! Won’t join us for coffee and cake, no meals out, no relaxing with a takeaway and a few bottles of wine between us on a Friday night.

All steamed chicken/fish and veggies, no alcohol, no dairy, no bread. God it’s dull. We only meet up with her as a group now so we can dilute the sheer tedium of personal bests, 10k runs and other dullness amongst us.

anunlikelyseahorse · 20/09/2023 09:05

I thought ACV was really bad for tooth enamel? I know it has lots of health benefits especially for some skin conditions and insect bites / stings.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/09/2023 09:05

Yes that will limit your dating pool.
I have a friend like you, she is extremely self conscious and claims it’s health but it’s really looks- which is fine but it is hard to get her to relax.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/09/2023 09:05

Yes I think that would put most men off. But that's not a problem surely? I'm assuming you'd be most interested in somebody equally health/diet conscious?

Summer2424 · 20/09/2023 09:05

Hi @healthgal
I'm very similar to you, i've watched my husband eat Nandos loads of times while i just sat there with nothing lol!! I have home made food which i take with me when i go out.
Not sure how long you've been drinking ACV hun, but just wanted to let you know i along with someone else i know had a bad experience with it, drank it for a long time, i personally felt it was too acidic for the insides and can cause damage. Unfortunately for the person i know she developed health issues, not sure if it was the ACV but never touched the stuff again, i didn't have it again too xx

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 09:05

healthgal · 20/09/2023 08:56

With the cafe breakfast example though; is me going and sitting with a black coffee while he has a full English actually going to fulfil what he had in mind? I sort of doubt it. But I obviously can't be sure on that so will consider that more carefully going forward.

I’m not sure if he would be ok with eating while your drinking coffee.

It just depends on the person but to be fair he could have respected you just don’t eat breakfast and did a late brunch with you every few weeks instead.

A lot of people have had a string of long term relationships by your age but looking back they see those relationships as a waste of time and effort, and they didn’t ultimately turn into what they wanted which was marriage. So I wouldn’t necessarily frame it as a negative you having only short term relationships.

Original poster
healthgal · 20/09/2023 09:05

So it's ok for people to say I have psychological issues but not for me to reply that as a society we are addicted to food, and that is a psychological issue?

OP posts:
romdowa · 20/09/2023 09:06

I don't think it's how you eat but how strict you are with it , that could definitely put people off. The fry up for example , surely you can eat before 1pm and would a light breakfast one day a week have really been that bad? You either need to meet someone like you or have some flexibility in your regime

JamSandle · 20/09/2023 09:07

Go to a few vegan festivals and you'll meet many men who live similarly. You don't need to change :)

MoonShinesBright · 20/09/2023 09:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mycoffeecup · 20/09/2023 09:07

healthgal · 20/09/2023 09:05

So it's ok for people to say I have psychological issues but not for me to reply that as a society we are addicted to food, and that is a psychological issue?

Your psychological issues are your lack of flexibility. Everything you do is laudable - what is odd, is not being able to take a single day/meal off.

Original poster
healthgal · 20/09/2023 09:07

Not a Zoe ad or bot!
MN can confirm I am a long time member if that helps

OP posts:
ThingthatgoesFFSinthenight · 20/09/2023 09:08

I agree with you in terms of the problems with how we eat in this country and the main issue being the context, rather than individual choice. We need wholesale change in what is allowed to be labelled food.

But, I do wonder if you are a bit too rigid in your rules. Disordered eating is how it could be understood. If you have very rigid rules that are unbreakable then that isn’t psychologically healthy. You have mentioned that you are slim and attractive but only that you are ‘friendly’ in terms of your description of yourself, so it might be that you put a lot of emphasis on body shape/size/looks to measure your worth and your self identity. To be clear, I’m not suggesting that you have an eating disorder or a serious psychological problem, but it might be worth exploring if you are on that pathway and what impact that has on how you feel and think about yourself and thus how you relate to others.

Have a think: If you found yourself in a situation where you were really really hungry but the only option was a pizza slice with no vinegar, how would you feel? If you’d feel fearful/stressed/anxious and you’d avoid eating, then I’d say that’s something to explore in counselling.

It’s so great that you are looking after your physical body so well, but if that causes psychological problems (such as in your relationships with others) then may be exploring a more balanced approach might be wise?

Just things to consider.

TibetanTerrah · 20/09/2023 09:08

healthgal · 20/09/2023 09:05

So it's ok for people to say I have psychological issues but not for me to reply that as a society we are addicted to food, and that is a psychological issue?

It's the lack of flex and compromise that's offputting and 'strange' OP. People like people who are like them - or at least are like them sometimes and meet in the middle now and then.

You seem to be going around saying, 'this is me, fit in with it or fuck off,' and yet are surprised that people have fucked off Confused

CharSiu · 20/09/2023 09:08

I wonder how much this is an indication about what the rest of you is like.

What do you like doing and what makes you laugh.

I have a mate who is very rigid about eating and eats stuff she doesn’t like because it’s healthy. I love her dearly and have known her for over 30 years. She is very attractive and successful in everything except men. I asked DH why he thought she was so unsuccessful because whatever I think about her, well I’m not a guy. He says hard to relax round her, everyone’s different but bit joyless, almost too sensible.

PaminaMozart · 20/09/2023 09:09

The science behind fasting has actually been updated in that the benefits of fasting windows are actually just because they make caloric restriction easier, it’s the caloric restriction that has the health benefits rather than anything magical about the eating window. So you could get all the benefits by just having an eating window 5 days a week and relaxing it on the weekend, but being mindful of total calories on those days.

I totally agree,@mosiacmaker .

Also thank you for the suggestion of Sam Harris - I'll check him out!

ThingthatgoesFFSinthenight · 20/09/2023 09:09

MoonShinesBright · Today 09:07

You drink vinegar??? 😨

It sounds bonkers, but there is some evidence base. I can’t bring myself to do it though!!

TheShinmeister · 20/09/2023 09:09

JMSA · 20/09/2023 08:11

I love my food, and it's a big part of my enjoyment in life Blush
I couldn't be with someone like you.

That's not to say you're doing anything wrong ... in fact, I wish I were more like you! But I'd find it boring.

Me too

Fleetheart · 20/09/2023 09:09

interesting; I guess we all want to find someone whose habits complement our own and so your pool of possible dates will be smaller. the other thing of course is what people always say when asked why their marriages have lasted for 50 years. what’s the secret they are asked? “compromise” , “give and take” and similar are ALWAYS the answer. so maybe the ability to sometimes go against your own grain may be useful.

Velvian · 20/09/2023 09:09

It sounds like you definitely need to relax your 'rules'

Have a breakfast on a Saturday. It doesn't have to be unhealthy and may really help to build your bond. There are health benefits to socialising. You can frame it as thinking about your whole health, rather than just what you are putting into your body.

Also, if you're out for a meal, forget the vinegar thing entirely.

I think your friend was gently implying that you are too rigid, and possibly overtly judgemental.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/09/2023 09:11

I just strongly suspect that, without knowing it, the attitude you displayed in your post about people eating sugar having psychological issues, slips out in real life more than you realise.

as many many people have said, your healthy eating thing is fine. Laudable. Well done you. Your inflexibility and your superior attitude, not so sexy.

Wanttobekind · 20/09/2023 09:11

Essentially what you have said is:

  • you are incredibly rigid in your thinking about food, possibly tipping into disordered eating.
  • you will not compromise in any way for a relationship
  • you are actively judgemental about the majority of people’s eating habits - and don’t kid yourself it doesn’t come across.
Don’t be surprised that men don’t sign up for that long term.