To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

You could have had a coffee?

The influence of vinegar in healthy individuals only seems to be marked if you eat loads of white processed carbs - which you clearly don't. Just because someone on instagram recommends something - you need to check it out for yourself too.

If you go onto pub med and type in "cider vinegar" you'll get lots of articles to read through.

I don't eat before 12 and avoid processed food - but do have the odd pizza and the occasional breakfast.
So, either you're just going for the wrong type of person, or you're being too militant about it.

I think seeking out areas where others highly health focused is a good idea. I work in a semi related field but that's not been fruitful so maybe need to be more direct.

This has been really helpful to hear a variety of view points, thanks to everyone who has replied.

There's definitely a type of guy that would be into this, but it's very much a type. There's also guys who wouldn't care either way if everything else was okay. I think rather than what you're doing, it's the inflexibility that could be off-putting. If you won't even go to the cafe with fry-up boy because you can't countenance food before 1pm, that's not very chill and easy to be around. I mean, I'm sure you're very nice, but there's a sense of order and control there that might not turn a short-term relationship into a longer-term one. You sound very healthy and will have the last laugh health-wise no doubt, but food and drink is linked to carnality/love of life in some minds and this would not signal fun times ahead.

You're not an extremist however...restricting your diet, strictly follow your regime strictly and the fact that you only mentioned your eating habit ... tells me something about your personality. I'm not saying it's wrong but eating is basic human behaviour and you have some strict restriction on it.

It does sound like it would be a factor. All of the things you do are beneficial for your health but your health isn’t going to suffer if you have occasional weekend days where you expand your eating window to have brunch, or give the vinegar a rest on some meals because you are dining in a restaurant. The fact that you werent able to be flexible in the examples you shared indicates that you are pretty “extreme” with it and it would be a hard no for many if they could never have a nice brunch with a girlfriend, for example.

My DP fasts but not on the weekend so it never impacts on our quality time together. The science behind fasting has actually been updated in that the benefits of fasting windows are actually just because they make caloric restriction easier, it’s the caloric restriction that has the health benefits rather than anything magical about the eating window. So you could get all the benefits by just having an eating window 5 days a week and relaxing it on the weekend, but being mindful of total calories on those days.

If you’re interested, Sam Harris has a great recent podcast on the matter on his Making Sense website. It’s three hours of discussion but would be right up your street!

There you go. You’ve just answered your question right there op.

OK, there it is.

You're wasting your time trying to date anyone who doesn't have similar dietary habits a d preferences to you.

For me: yes, this would be an issue.

My partner, within the last few years started bodybuilding. It was an organic development from being a weight lifter. After his third year of dieting & prepping I told him that I hadn't signed up for this life. It severely limited our social life, freedoms and affected my mental health, as his obsession with weight and food made me self conscious. We had a frank discussion and he now only competes every second year, so we can have a normal life more often than not.

Whilst you say that you don't harp on about it or judge others for their habits, it doesn't mean they don't feel judged. My partner never commented on my eating or weight but when you are with someone who is so focused on their own, it's really hard to believe they aren't noting it.

It's great if its a lifestyle that works for you but it sounds limiting and unreasonable to expect others not to feel impacted by it, in at least some way. Compromise is key to all successful relationships and it sounds to me like you don't want to/can't do that. It's natural, I suppose, after so many years of being independent and successfully single but it doesn't translate well into long-term relationships.

And there you have it,@healthgal - the rigidity in your thinking is quite extraordinary. You could have gone with him once a week and broken your fast just a couple of hours early! Why was this such a huge issue for you?

@underneaththeash I don't have ACV because of instagram 😂 however for those asking me about it, its an easy resource to direct to.

Having completed the Zoe study I can say with certainty that ACV reduces my glucose spikes after all my meals.

I don't think your lifestyle is what is putting partners off or contributing to your difficulty finding a partner. It would go a lot deeper than this i suspect!

Drinking Apple Cider vinegar, not eating breakfast and the other lifestyle choices you make wouldn't put someone off if they loved you. Maybe your friend was trying to be diplomatic?

It might be the rigid thinking that's off-putting, not the vinegar-swigging per se.

If I were 'fasting' and someone I fancied asked me to go for a fry-up, I'd go and have a herbal tea or black coffee and some fun.

With the cafe breakfast example though; is me going and sitting with a black coffee while he has a full English actually going to fulfil what he had in mind? I sort of doubt it. But I obviously can't be sure on that so will consider that more carefully going forward.

I'm guessing this is an AI/ Zoe advertisement post!

You need to come and live near me in Brighton OP.😍

It does sound as though you are VERY inflexible with the “I never eat before 1” but on the other hand, I would find it very unattractive to have a partner who couldn’t go to breakfast on their own like a grown up.

My advice is to be aware of it, but carry on dating. The right person is definitely out there for you.

Yep this. If it’s just something you do but can be flexible, fine. If it’s rigid (and tbh that’s how it sounds) then you’re effectively eliminating a lot of social activity.

There's definitely a type of guy that would be into this, but it's very much a type.

Just to clarify what I mean by this - the guys I know who'd actively like this aren't so much healthy fitness types but more alternative, part of the activist community. They'd be in to the plant-based meals and vinegar rituals and all that, and see it as a way of life, not rigidity... but they might smoke weed.

So be a bit flexible. I did fasting for years, but sometimes there was a weekend where there was a family dinner and a family breakfast the next day - so I just didn't fast that night.

Fast 90% of the time
Have ACV before 90% of your meals
Avoid UPF 90% of the time

Or stay single because you can't find anyone who will match your lifestyle perfection.

Well done on being health conscious but you do come across as a bit anal. Your friend has pointed out this aspect of your lifestyle might be offputting, so maybe try and unclench sometimes. Just stop with the preaching. I’m eye rolling over here so I can imagine being one of your dates.

You sound extremely rigid. It is fine to do what you do day-to-day, but it is likely to be a dampener on a new relationship. It kills the spontaneity and conviviality of the person you are dating constant receives little rejections - no to breakfast out, no to a Pizzeria, no to an evening drinking wine and eating olives… The body is pretty robust. Breaking your rules on social occasions won’t hurt you. But it also sounds like you would prefer to stick to your rules and take the consequences, which is fine too.

I do all of the things in your OP. And I am single

But it's the rigidity I think that' makes you and I different. I do all of those every day, but if someone I was dating wanted to go for a fry up, one day of not fasting wouldn't undo the good that fasting all the other days does. The same with a takeaway/UPFs, my mum always said a little of what you fancy does you good I never get them, but I'm happy to join in.

Equally it doesn't have to be every single week. You can simply say I'm not hungry for a fry up but I'll go with you and just a few coffee. Or eat your non-UPF food before your date.

It depends whether you want to allow a little compromise in your life, or expect people to accept your rigid rules.

If you don't, why not? Nothing bad will happen if you eat before 1pm every 2-3 weeks? Relationships are about (two-way) compromise.

I think I'm a bit more fluid and flexible than you sound, and at the stage in the relationship where they realise 'this is how it's always going to be', maybe they decide they don't want it.

Despite all the above, like I said, I'm still single

In all honesty I think it would make you incompatible with a lot of people. On the other hand it would make you extremely compatible with a small number of people. Surely there’s online dating aimed at people who follow these sorts of health practices? Do you do yoga meditation etc? Maybe you need to change where you’re looking!

And that is why you are single

A couple of further observations:

Your friend has mentioned this, and I think it's probably a pretty clear indicator that the way you present on this issue might be the problem.

You've used the word blame in this post, and now said that people who don't eat the way you do have psychological problems. You say you don't judge others, and yet clearly you do, and that will not be as well hidden as you might like to believe.

You have said you don't eat (will never eat?) before 1pm. To a lot of people this is incredibly inflexible and restrictive. Nobody needs a companion to eat fried food with them, but to be so rigid all the time is just hard to live with and quite tedious.

Relationships are about growing together and discovering new things together. If you have a large number of doors that you are never willing to open then you'll have to try and find somebody who is also very deeply into your kind of lifestyle.

I only got to the second thing on your list then rolled my eyes. You need to find somebody on the same wavelength as yourself.