To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

Not a great ad tbh

Obviously your life style isn’t compatible with everyone but I don’t think it’s so restrictive that you don’t have a reasonable pool of people to choose from. My BF doesn’t drink often (or ever to excess), he exercises and eats well. He’s not as rigid as you but he’s have no issue with your lifestyle and I don’t consider him particularly unusual. He’s also got lots of similar friends. I think looking in the right places is probably going to help. Lots of 30-something fitness fanatics around in my experience.

So my husband has published peer reviewed research in JAMA and Lancet on sugar and processed food. Won’t link to it for obvious reasons. But…he will tell you that we as a society are not addicted to ‘bad’ food. That we have societal problems- our food habits are linked to the zip code we live in, our access to healthy food, poverty, etc.
(For the record he has also published and done research on this including voucher programmes for fresh fruits and vegetables for those below the poverty line- the health benefits are marginal btw).

Our ‘addiction’ to this is not ‘psychological’ and there is medical, anthropological and historical literature on this. There are a number of economic and political factors behind what we consume, how we consume it and what it does to our body. Two people with roughly the same diet but in different income brackets will have different long term health outcomes.

Also like I said, my scientist/physician husband is vegetarian but will eat chocolate cake and go and have a pizza. And shock horror, is perfectly okay with our kids having the odd pizza and fries. And ice cream.

Exactly, and there's enough need for compromise already - OP is on a hiding to nothing trying to date guys who don't have a similar approach to food in the first place. Otherwise she'll be resentful that she is expected to break her fast early once a month and he'll feel aggrieved that she only breaks her fast early once a month.

Honestly - yes, this would massively put me off any kind of relationship or even friendship, really. It's too rigid.

I want to be with someone relaxed, who is happy to grab a bacon sandwich in a cafe after walking the dog, or who fancies fish and chips by the beach in the evening while watching the sunset.

I have friends I can text and half an hour later we're sat having coffee and cake somewhere, or meeting up for breakfast.

I think your approach just means there's no spontaneity and no freedom to just think "fuck it, I'll get a pizza tonight".

I reckon it’s how you are doing it that may be putting people off. When you say you ‘deeply believe’ in your diet, it sounds like it has actually become part of your identify. Your quest for good health and the perfect diet takes up a lot of your thinking space.

Many people are ‘quietly’ vegetarian, pescatarian and vegan and you wouldn’t know anything about it from chatting to them unless you went out for dinner. I suspect that’s not you though.

Your potential pool of partners is much smaller so you will find it tough.

Which glucose meter are you using? The strips are quite pricey

Hmm, idk 'healthgal'... Are you sure you haven't maybe tethered your whole identity too much of your identity to being (your version of) healthy?

enjoying food and drink with people I like spending time with is one of life’s great pleasures.

We would 100% not be compatible (which is probably ok as I doubt you’re looking for a married woman) and if you were a man when I was dating I don’t think we’d have gone very far as I would feel judged and limited by your very strict boundaries around food.

I do exactly what you do except for the black cofee and ACV.

Luckily my husband is also on board now, although he resisted at first (he wanted biscuits with his coffee every day etc). However he now only has them once a week and is happy with that. I made it clear that he could have them every day if he wanted but he soon stopped when he started to put on weight.

He moaned and moaned about eating saurkraut each morning, but he now does it and doesn't mind.

I think that it will be difficult to find a partner who will want to do what you do but not impossible.

For a lot of people food and eating out us quite a an important social aspect of their life.

I think you would have more luck finding someone who has similar behaviours around food.

I've found that often vegans will date other vegans or vegetarians - or in the case of a few of my friends they've become vegetarian when eating with their vego/vegan partner as it's easier for them.

I think you might need to bend and compromise as we all do in relationships. Your lifestyle choice sounds very rigid and I’d feel you were looking down your nose at me and I’d feel uncomfortable eating, drinking and relaxing

A lot of projection on this thread.

Also @healthgal , what is the point? To what end are you doing all this?

What us important long term? Eating healthily and avoiding UPFs is a very sensible idea, but being so restrictive and faddy is not going to make the difference you imagine. You can't eliminate death and serious illness, particularly if you have a genetic predisposition to something.

You don't have any issues at all. Nothing you are doing is extreme. I do almost exactly the same as you.

Unfortunately, most people have been brain washed by the food industry in to thinking that UPF is normal.

So it's ok for people to say I have psychological issues but not for me to reply that as a society we are addicted to food, and that is a psychological issue?

People have asked questions and your answer is to say that the way most people eat means they have psychological issues. Which (is disputed above, interestingly) reveals a disdain for them and their eating habits, which would be off-putting, just as some people are saying your issues would be off-putting for them. You can absolutely be in the right here. It's just giving you insights into why your friend might be onto something, if it's revealing a judgement on others, and indeed that others will judge you. Right or wrong, it's a factor.

healthgal · Today 09:05
So it's ok for people to say I have psychological issues but not for me to reply that as a society we are addicted to food, and that is a psychological issue?

I don’t know if you have psychological issues, no one can. Only you can know how you think and feel. But, both could be true.

I agree with you that the normalisation of eating UPF is a kind of mass sickness. It is madness. Once you see it, it’s impossible to unsee. However, it could also be that you have a difficult relationship with food/weight/body image and this is impinging on how you express you personality and character. I think it’s definitely worth exploring that, if you think it might be getting in the way of what matters to you most (e.g. being in a LT relationship).

You come across as evangelical on here, so in real life I imagine it's much worse.

No one I know would call it "fasting" to not eat before 1pm, in fact most of them -myself included- just don't notice we haven't eaten until then. We're busy/don't feel hungry before then etc.

And many people accidentally avoid UPF foods, by the fact they cook from scratch daily - I say avoid, because those of us I know do occasionally eat chocolate/drink alcohol.

Not even Flexing your meal time at 1pm to go and drink a green tea or something? Way too inflexible for many people.

Your language is unusual, and I say that as someone who usually has to consult a dictionary when talking with her sister in law, and your attitude towards food in general is unhealthy.

We should look after our bodies with a holistic approach, ensuring we nurture Every part. Including the effects of stress, loneliness and negativity. Not just via what goes in our stomach.

Unless the apple cider vinegar is doing something very unpleasant to your breath then no. But I don't think men care about what women eat, or don't eat. Unless you are cooking plant based meals for some mummy's boy who isn't happy about it, but why would you want to be with a man like that anyway?

I don't think I'd want to date someone who thinks I have psychological issues because I like the odd pizza or KFC, but you probably wouldn't want to date me either so that's fine!

I think it's just about finding like minded people - you're going to have a better time dating someone where you won't have clashes about food and health habits so better to look for someone who values it as highly as you do too in order to get a good match.

I know you say you don't expect a partner to follow your lifestyle, but having similar eating and health habits I think is actually quite important.

It’s definitely this

I get the cafe thing, there aren't many places I would want to eat out at. My partner loves food, and would love to go out for dinner/cakes/coffees. It just has no appeal for me. There are only a few places I can think of that I'd like. Anyway it does cause friction, and I eat cake and drink coffee on those occasions as it means something to them.

I didn't drink alcohol for years, and that was a huge amount of friction. Soft drinks are overpriced and crap at most pubs. If I was lucky I'd get a good cup of coffee. Heck many pubs don't even have good beer. That can be isolating.

Big and occasional events I'd bend the rules for the peace, they don't come that often.

My Mum and partner never appeared to have much in common, but when asked she always say they both like eating and drinking beer. Probably like 95% of the nation! Each their own and all.

It's just very rigid and I would find that hard to understand. Fair enough eating how you do the majority of the time but to never ever go out for breakfast without exception would annoy me. Taking vinegar to resturants even to sprinkle on a salad is overly performative and I would be embarrassed if I were a dining partner.

I do agree with your friend, it probably does put potential partners off. Not the lifestyle as a whole but the complete lack of any room to budge unless it is a special occasion.

It might put some people off but I am sure there are also plenty of men who follow a similar lifestyle as it doesn’t sound particularly extreme