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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/09/2023 22:03

It’s probably easy to want a baby as a man. You’re not risking your body and you likely won’t take on the burden of the work. He can be sad, but your desire not to beats his.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/09/2023 22:04

It's ok for you to not want to have another child. You have three already.

I'm going to be that person - please don't even consider it. From an ecological perspective you've done more than enough already. Tell your husband you're thinking about the planet. I'm

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/09/2023 22:05

You're going to need to shut him down completely about this. Why is he so keen to put you through this?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/09/2023 22:05

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/09/2023 22:03

It’s probably easy to want a baby as a man. You’re not risking your body and you likely won’t take on the burden of the work. He can be sad, but your desire not to beats his.

Exactly. It’s very easy when it’s not your body that’s at risk.

What’s it about your first three children that isn’t good enough for him, that he wants four?

MartinChuzzlewit · 19/09/2023 22:06

I one should ever have kids they don’t want. Especially when you have plenty!

DisappearingGirl · 19/09/2023 22:07

Also, at 43 (and presumably your DH in his 40s too) there's a substantially higher risk of Down's syndrome, autism and various other conditions ... which would be harder to deal with if you're already knackered with 3 kids!

takealettermsjones · 19/09/2023 22:12

I mean I don't know your setup but I agree with TestingTesting.

You're the one who will go through the (potentially risky) pregnancy at 43+, major surgery, pain, convalescence, injuries and scars, breast engorgement, sleepless nights, hormonal changes, a permanently changed body.

I know what I'd tell him!

PinkRoses1245 · 19/09/2023 22:14

You are definitely in the right. Consider the impact on the environment. And your physical and mental well-being, and your other kids. There are higher risks with having a child when you’re that age, has he considered that.

Whataretheodds · 19/09/2023 22:16

YANBU. That is all.

mistermagpie · 19/09/2023 22:19

Oh my god, I couldn't even consider it. I'm also 43 and have three children. I had three under five and that was hard enough so I don't know how you coped!

Mine are 3, 6 and 8 now and the idea of going back to nappies and all that gives me the cold dread fear.

DH wanted a fourth for a while, he's one of four himself, but it was an absolute no from me. I couldn't do that to my body again, not in my 40s and not while the light is at the end of the toddler tunnel. He's had the snip now thank god. You are absolutely right to feel like you do and if you don't 100% want a child you shouldn't have one anyway.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 19/09/2023 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/09/2023 22:20

Tell him he's very welcome to have another baby as long as he grows it.

Galliano · 19/09/2023 22:20

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/09/2023 22:05

Exactly. It’s very easy when it’s not your body that’s at risk.

What’s it about your first three children that isn’t good enough for him, that he wants four?

Show quote history

This is a horrible thing to say! The amazingness of my older children is what made me want more…not that they weren’t good enough. Hopefully OP’s husband is coming from a similar place. However absolutely your choice not to have another child OP and there are plenty of good reasons already mentioned to justify that choice should it need justification.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/09/2023 22:25

After my first (straight forward) pregnancy my DH said he would NEVER ask me go through it again having seen the physical toll it takes. And if I wasn't up for a second that was fine it was totally up to me either way.

At 43 with 3 csections behind you he is WILDLY unreasonable to be harassing you about a 4th.

What is your marriage like generally???

Tinkerbyebye · 19/09/2023 22:27

It’s your body not his.

if he is that keen has he/you consider fostering or adoption

Donotshushme · 19/09/2023 22:46

In my humble opinion, 43 is too old to start again with another baby. You already have 3. Stand your ground.

Justgonefishing · 19/09/2023 22:55

Are all your kids the same sex? I’m a bit surprised he wants another now…is he lacking awareness of what it’s going to be like over the next 10yrs or so….menopause for you, puberty for the kids, supporting them all through exams, are you wanting your kids to go to uni as this youngest will need to be supported probably when your husbands in his 60’s ….we are in our 50’s and currently going through all of the first 3 and working out how to do the latter when my husband ideally would be winding down at work! I suppose it’s trying to get to the bottom of what he’s thinks will add to your lives by having another. I would say, please appreciate and have the time and money for those you already have,I always worry that people who have lots of kids seem to idolise the baby/young child stage and don’t have as much interest in the older kids.

tara66 · 19/09/2023 23:23

I am presuming he is wealthy in order to provide for 4 children in every way including their tertiary education (maybe law or medicine etc) etc. , so suggests he pays for a surrogacy followed by full time day/ night nannies and a bigger house will be needed of course.

EasternStandard · 19/09/2023 23:24

Yanbu at all.

Fleur405 · 19/09/2023 23:34

I reckon I might want more babies if I didn’t have to endure pregnancy, give birth to them, deal with the stitches and the broken tummy muscles and the leaking boobs, and take another hit to my earnings!

I think it’s almost impossible to truly understand the physical toll pregnancy and child birth takes if you haven’t experienced yourself.

Your husband is being extremely selfish.

wingingit1987 · 19/09/2023 23:55

We have 5 children- I’m about to turn 35 and we are TTC no.6. I don’t think I would be as open to the idea of another child if I were in my 40’s. I’ve definitely found the last couple of pregnancies harder going as I’ve been a bit older. You both absolutely need to be on board with it too. I will add, I’ve never felt “done” with having children but if I did come to that sense of being at peace with the number of children we had then I would stop. You know your own limits.

OrangesLemonsLimes · 19/09/2023 23:59

What are his reasons?

Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 06:54

Thanks for your reply. I have asked him why and he says he loves babies and feels grief over the fact that I don’t want another. I have asked him whether he feels any concern over the potential risks to myself (or to the baby - eg, increased potential for downs or autism or other challenges) and he says he is of course understanding of my fear of risk but then “how come other women can do it?” So I really feel like he is not actually concerned and thinks I should just take the risk. He also refused to get the snip and does not want me to get my tubes tied so we are using condoms (bc I don’t want to use hormonal birth control or the coil and would prefer tubal ligation). I honestly thought we would be able to come to a birth control decision by now as well and didn’t expect to still be using condoms, but he is holding out.

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 20/09/2023 07:00

He sounds like a controlling knob, sorry. You need to stand your ground here and protect yourself. Be very, very careful. I'd be going on the pill for a couple of years or have a coil fitted if I were you. Wouldn't trust him not to fiddle with the condoms!

ginandtonicwithlimes · 20/09/2023 07:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Are the children all girls I wonder?

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