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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
CleverLilViper · 20/09/2023 07:27

Of course YANBU.

It’s your body, your choice.

The worrying thing is how dismissive he is being about your concerns and the very real risks all to get something he wants.

It’s very easy for men to want children and as many as possible- it’s not their bodies, and often, it’s not them that makes sacrifices to deliver care to the children.

He sounds controlling, if I’m honest and like he’s very self-focused. He wants another baby and feels grief over not having one so he thinks you should capitulate to his demands to give him what he wants- no matter the risk to you or the potential baby.

If he wants a baby, and has a fourth, what’s going to stop him wanting a fifth? After all, the baby stage doesn’t last forever.

jeaux90 · 20/09/2023 07:29

He sounds like a selfish knob. My partner had the snip and it was very liberating for both of us.

He was in and out if the hospital in 2 hours.

I'd be really really clear with him. It's not happening, the risk to you is too much. Id also take it a step further and say if you accidentally fell pregnant you would opt for a termination.

MidgesGirdle · 20/09/2023 08:42

Why can't you get a tubal ligation? You don't need his permission.

Naunet · 20/09/2023 08:49

and I feel I am just starting to breathe again
I’m wondering if this is what he doesn’t like?

StillWantingADog · 20/09/2023 08:52

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/09/2023 22:05

You're going to need to shut him down completely about this. Why is he so keen to put you through this?

This. Absolutely don’t have a fourth. Imagine if he did and he wanted a fifth!

Motomum23 · 20/09/2023 08:57

I would be very clear. Painfully clear. No more babies. In this case there is absolutely no need for his preference to be considered - you don't want to put your body through another pregnancy. Pregnancy is hard - my 4th baby (that we both wanted) when I was 33 was so much harder than my previous 3. I was in pain and bone tired all the time. Now our youngest is 5 and we are starting to get our lives to a lovely place where the work of the kids doesn't outweigh the benefits 😀.

Oh and I'd also with hold sex until something more reliable is put in place in case he spikes the condoms.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/09/2023 08:59

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 06:54

Thanks for your reply. I have asked him why and he says he loves babies and feels grief over the fact that I don’t want another. I have asked him whether he feels any concern over the potential risks to myself (or to the baby - eg, increased potential for downs or autism or other challenges) and he says he is of course understanding of my fear of risk but then “how come other women can do it?” So I really feel like he is not actually concerned and thinks I should just take the risk. He also refused to get the snip and does not want me to get my tubes tied so we are using condoms (bc I don’t want to use hormonal birth control or the coil and would prefer tubal ligation). I honestly thought we would be able to come to a birth control decision by now as well and didn’t expect to still be using condoms, but he is holding out.

That's actually really appalling.

Tell him sadness at the end of the baby years is normal. Many many people go through it.

Expecting your wife to risk her health and the whole family's future stability is not normal and he can seek help (counselling) to come to terms with it.

And then put it from your mind- but be really extra careful about contraception. I'm not sure I'd trust him now.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/09/2023 09:02

You give your husband way too much control- he won’t let you get your tubes tied- who owns your body?
the answer is no and he needs to get over it.

NotReallySureAboutIt · 20/09/2023 09:06

If youre considering it at all I'd tell him you want to use a surrogate which he can fund entirely and you want to work full time whilst he becomes a stay at home dad once the baby is here. See how he feels then! It's easy to want a baby when you do nothing but go to work everyday.

ActDottie · 20/09/2023 09:07

Just shut him down. It’s easy for a man to want another one but pregnancy is hard!

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 20/09/2023 09:08

I honestly think, if I was in this situation, I would happily use abstinence as my contraception.

From what you describe this sounds like emotional blackmail, verging on coercing. Diminishing you as a woman and mother eg ‘but how come other women can do it’ is pretty low.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/09/2023 09:08

He needs therapy not another child. All babies grow up eventually. Loving them is not a good reason to keep having them. And as they grow they need caring dedicated parents who still love them even if they are not babies.

You are absolutely in the right here

DisquietintheRanks · 20/09/2023 09:10

It's cemetery fine to not want another child -and it's completely fine for him to be sad about it. I was certainly sad when my dh decided he was done at 2 and yes, I did want to have quite a few conversations with him about it because we didn't agree (it's quite a big thing not to agree about).

Ultimately though I accepted his decision and our lives moved on.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/09/2023 09:11

Completely! God what a typo Blush

Pinkdelight3 · 20/09/2023 09:25

I'd find this quite off-putting, the unwillingness to take your issues with it on board and prioritise cuddles with a baby over the implications for you. How hands-on was he with the babies - and with the children now? Theoretically, if you had another baby and left all the childcare to him, how would he like that? Not that you should have another, absolutely take whatever steps you need to without his permission to make that so, it's your body.

PurpleSilver · 20/09/2023 09:26

Naunet · 20/09/2023 08:49

and I feel I am just starting to breathe again
I’m wondering if this is what he doesn’t like?

This.

I wonder if he is realising his control is diminishing because you are coming up for air and taking big, life-affirming gulps of it after years in the nappy trenches.

He can't control what you do with your body. If you want to make an appointment for tubal ligation, do it.

I'd refuse sex in the meantime. He can't have it all ways and I wouldn't trust him one iota with condoms.

Some men love keeping "their" women barefoot and pregnant as it means they have all the power and control. You sound lovely OP. Don't let this happen to you.

KimberleyClark · 20/09/2023 09:28

The one who doesn’t want a(nother) child gets the final say. In this case this is you and especially as you would be the one actually having the baby.

Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:29

No. We have 2 boys and 1 girl.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 20/09/2023 09:34

Hmmm. I get that’s it hard when you have different wants regarding number of children but you already have 3! It’s not like he wanted a big family and you wanted 1. And does he have a specific number in mind- if it’s just that he loves the baby stage well that’s not going to go away post another.

I’d also be worried.about using condoms and having an ‘accident’ whether or not it was deliberate tampering on his part. And comparing you to other women who ‘just do it’ is so rude, what a knob. It’s weird, I can’t put my finger on it but it’s slightly sinister. Do you work at the moment? Does he like being the man of the house and provider?

Mumsnet has made me deeply suspicious of these sorts of things 😂😂

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 20/09/2023 09:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:38

I do wonder about this. It’s true that he loves babies. Part of me thinks he likes the distraction and the sweetness of the baby phase and just wants something exciting and fun to make him happy. Nothing really wrong with loving babies and wanting more in itself, but I do feel he might also have liked how he was able to criticise me and boss me around when I was tired and exhausted and over loaded with the babies. It was one of the hardest times in my life and he played a role in that. Especially with his constant criticism of my mothering and barking orders. I don’t want to go back to that world. When my youngest began nursery, my head cleared and I resumed graduate school and began planning to restart my career (just part time while children are in school). He has expressed resentment towards my career quite a bit. So perhaps this is part of it. He is an involved dad but he was very very hard on me as a mother. He kept making me feel inadequate by saying “how do other women do it?” When I talked about wanting some help or support with three three and under.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:40

I actually think this is a lovely idea. My kids would LOVE a puppy and have talked about that. It may fill that void. Yes, it would also be more work. But it might be worth it.

OP posts:
Outnumbered99 · 20/09/2023 09:42

I agreed with you after your first post, I am the same age as you and also have had three sections, no way would I put my body through that again I'm not even sure I would survive it.

From your further posts I'm wondering whether you should be with him at all to be honest OP, and CERTAINLY not having any more babies. What an unsupportive dick he is.

coconutpie · 20/09/2023 09:43

With your further updates, it sounds like he is resentful of your career and the fact that you are now starting to get time for yourself after all the busy baby/toddler years. The term barefoot and pregnant sounds appropriate here.

I would not trust him with the condoms. Use abstinence as your contraception now. It is too risky otherwise. Go get your tubes tied (he cannot dictate to you if you do or not).

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 09:50

He doesn't want another baby for a baby he wants another tool to browbeat you with because you've dared start to have a bit of your life back.
I'd be planning to get my career back in order and leaving the abusive prick.
Your husband is disgusting.