Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 22/09/2023 18:05

What the hell is wrong with him?? Wanting a fourth child? That’s ridiculous. Dig your heels in and don’t let him guilt trip you or expect you to be a baby-making machine.

Casperroonie · 22/09/2023 18:29

I think you need to safeguard yourself and although you mention you don't want it, have the contraceptive injection for now to make sure you don't fall pregnant.

He sounds very unsafe and controlling and he's bullying you horribly.

Be strong, take control and stick to your guns. Then think about how to move forward because the marriage doesn't sound right.

Winnipeg23 · 22/09/2023 18:39

He does not sound like a good man. Have a back up plan just incase.

Winnipeg23 · 22/09/2023 18:40

Exactly this ☝️

Mrsgreen100 · 22/09/2023 18:44

The world is hugely overpopulated ffs
if it’s a baby he wants give a home to
a child that’s already here in need and adopt,
utter madness and so selfish

Hubblebubble · 22/09/2023 18:50

Get your tubes tied. Given your c section history, 3 children and age, it shouldn't be a problem.

Hubblebubble · 22/09/2023 18:51

I would be worried about him tampering with the condoms.

LaDamaDeElche · 22/09/2023 18:52

I don’t really understand anyone wanting to have that many kids in this day and age. The world can’t sustain it. The planet is overpopulated as is. Really irresponsible to even entertain the idea.

laylababe5 · 22/09/2023 18:53

I think you are leaving the conversation as open for discussion and not being clear. Tell him it's a definite no and you are not going to change your mind. It might hurt him at first but he needs to know where you stand so he can deal with it and move on.

SuperSue77 · 22/09/2023 19:04

Casperroonie · 22/09/2023 18:29

I think you need to safeguard yourself and although you mention you don't want it, have the contraceptive injection for now to make sure you don't fall pregnant.

He sounds very unsafe and controlling and he's bullying you horribly.

Be strong, take control and stick to your guns. Then think about how to move forward because the marriage doesn't sound right.

I second this - the contraceptive injection won’t be obvious to anyone (unlike a coil) you only need them every 3 months and it will give you peace of mind that you aren’t ever getting pregnant. I don’t know your reasons for not wanting to take hormonal contraceptives (and not my business) but just checking you know enough about them to not be rejecting them for a misconception. I’ve taken them pretty much since age 16 for the past 30 years, with a couple
of small gaps to have 2 pregnancies, and have not encountered any negative side effects, and I’m a migraine sufferer who can’t have particular types.
I’n so sorry you’re in this position and hope you find a resolution.

Densol57 · 22/09/2023 19:31

Urgh your husband sounds awful
Id get rid if I was you

Bubbles90 · 22/09/2023 20:06

My husband was the same, desperately wanted a third child but I said no. It's the women who do all the work, not to mention the damage to our bodies, which do not necessarily bounce back. I work full time as well. I told him I would consider another child if he stepped up and showed me that he was prepared to do his fair share of the work. He didn't!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/09/2023 20:12

I had 4th at 44.
DH wasn’t keen on the idea but I think he secretly thought it wouldn’t happen.
It’s been great but it’s YOUR body - you have every right to say no. YANBU

Heythrop84 · 22/09/2023 20:25

Considering a lot of the world's issues are caused by an ever growing population you are being very sensible!

Scotland32 · 22/09/2023 21:11

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 09:50

He doesn't want another baby for a baby he wants another tool to browbeat you with because you've dared start to have a bit of your life back.
I'd be planning to get my career back in order and leaving the abusive prick.
Your husband is disgusting.

This. Nasty, offensive man.

AlfredaTheGrape · 22/09/2023 21:15

Another one saying YANBU and agreeing about the points made about your choice and about your husband.

Underestimated4 · 22/09/2023 21:27

Are you sure it’s not to essentially keep you at home and tied to them. You’re starting to feel some freedom now, maybe he worries about that feels threatened jealous? Could be a way of controlling you…I’m just suggestion other options you may/may not have considered but it happens I’ve been there.

FootieMama · 22/09/2023 21:49

Had similar situation and I was 39. I run to the doctor and put an IUD in case I had a moment of weakness and gave in. You know your limit and your body has been though a lot. Much harder when you are older in every front. YANBU

Zanatdy · 22/09/2023 21:52

I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. He needs to count his blessings and understand having babies when approaching mid 40’s brings with it huge risks. Is he prepared to raise a disabled child? Is he prepared to change his kids current life to help raise a disabled sibling? Even if baby was healthy you’re looking at approaching retirement when this child goes to university. Has he seen the parental contribution expected per child to make up shortfall in loan if parents earn x amount?

GoldnSilver · 22/09/2023 22:25

Same. Flippant I know (and I agree with pretty much all the replies above) but get a puppy. They’re shit tons of work too but without the childbirth and they get toilet trained pretty much right away. (Some people will say get a rescue but you’ve got too many kids for that already, honestly).

HarrietsweetHarriet · 22/09/2023 22:41

Nope, don't do it OP. Our planet is already overpopulated and how incredibly lucky you are to have 3 presumably healthy children and a manageable routine.
The equilibrium you've established, I assume, is working for you. How might a fourth child rock the boat and, God forbid, what if a fourth child happened to have health issues which could impact tremendously on all your lives.
What I wouldn't have given to have brought one healthy child into this world. You really have already won the jackpot IMHO.
Enjoy the life and family you have .

2023istheplacetobe · 22/09/2023 23:05

Sod that!
You’re just getting your freedom back!

ImNotReallySpartacus · 23/09/2023 10:59

Sounds like you need fewer husbands rather than more children.

Birdy8 · 23/09/2023 10:59

Your husband's attitude seems very simplistic and selfish - what has what other women do got to do with you? A lot of men who want lots of children want to do it to have stronger control over their wives-I've seen it happen to people I know. I have three grown up children, brought them up as a single parent for the larger part of their lives - not my dream but that was how it worked out. Stick to what your gut says - three children is more than enough and you never know what could happen in the future and you're left alone.

IndysMamaRex · 23/09/2023 11:28

No sex for hubby then until long term birth control is sorted. 3 children is plenty & your at a place where you feel you can breath & enjoy life. Why disrupt all of that for another child? Why does he want the extra financial burden? Just say to hubby the more kids you have the less you have to give those kids in terms of time, energy & financial help growing up.

Its a huge strain on your body regardless of age so your more than within your right to not want another child. hold your ground & say no. End of discussion. Your body your choice.