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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
Cranberriesandtea · 20/09/2023 11:35

Your husband doesn't want another baby, His responses to you indicate that he is more concerned with the fact you are saying 'no' rather than anything else. He is using the deep fear of regret to manipulate you.

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 20/09/2023 11:42

Tell him he can have more babies with his next wife.

N4ish · 20/09/2023 11:43

Cranberriesandtea · 20/09/2023 11:35

Your husband doesn't want another baby, His responses to you indicate that he is more concerned with the fact you are saying 'no' rather than anything else. He is using the deep fear of regret to manipulate you.

Agree with this 100%. The wanting another baby story is just a cover for controlling you.

Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 11:43

This reply is amazing. Thank you. I will be thinking about this bc it is so so true.

OP posts:
Cranberriesandtea · 20/09/2023 11:45

Your post about divorcing your husband is a very sad read but you need to be happy and free

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 11:48

Yes your pastor let you down, your husband has let you down in the past, do not rely on him or consider his opinion on what happens to your body.
If you want to have your tubes tied then research and make an informed choice.
Personally I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone that obviously dislikes me and doesn't have my best interests at heart.

fearfuloffluff · 20/09/2023 12:05

I think your husband feels threatened by you having any autonomy. It sounds like he saw himself as your superior when you had kids in a traditional 'head of the household' role, which is why he criticised your parenting (total dick move btw!)

Getting your own job and financial independence puts you on a more equal footing and he doesn't like it. It's not a healthy dynamic.

I wouldn't consider having another baby for a second.

CharlotteRumpling · 20/09/2023 12:11

if he thinks you are such a terrible parent, why does he want more? Control. Abuse.

HerMammy · 20/09/2023 12:15

does not want me to get my tubes tied
he has no say in this, get it done asap or divorce or both!

heldinadream · 20/09/2023 12:17

OP just to re-iterate an important point made by others - PLEASE make sure there is no way you could get 'accidentally' pregnant. That would be pretty disastrous in terms of you being trapped and unable to make choices, although of course you could have an abortion but your H would go crazy ballistic and it's never a nice choice even with support and love on your side. So PLEASE secure this somehow.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/09/2023 12:27

Are you the Anglican church poster?
Refuse sex and/or ensure there is NO way you can get pregnant (eg pill and coil)

I read that thread and thought the husband sounded horrendous and was thinking I bet he tries to get her pregnant/ convince her another baby is a good idea to keep her trapped / in her place if the suicide threats don't work...

Leave this man for your children if not for yourself.
It is no way to live and your children will not thank you for staying.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/09/2023 12:29

Focus you energy on :
your career and earning potential
leaving him
Yourself and your children

Mamai90 · 20/09/2023 12:53

I'll be 41 when I give birth to my second. I would have preferred to have had my children younger but it didn't work out that way.

There is absolutely no chance in hell that I'd consider having one in my mid forties if I already had 3. Does he not understand the genetic risks? I think by 44 it's one in 10 for one of the trisomies, is he prepared to role that dice?

Not to mention the risk of a 4th section especially when you are mid forties, in all honesty if that were my husband I'd lose my shit with him, he's prepared for you to undergo a very risky pregnancy and birth so he can have another child. He sounds incredibly selfish!

Duckswaddle · 20/09/2023 13:05

Yep he sounds like a massive controlling wanker. “How do other women do it?” Fuck off. He’s clearly unhappy that you’re doing something other than birthing children.

Jmaho · 20/09/2023 13:12

I have four. I had my youngest at 37 and my other 3 at the time were similar ages to your so eldest was 8 and youngest 4. I too had the first 3 close together
But I'm now 43 like you and I'm knackered no way could I go through it all again
But i did want a 4th and I'm glad I did it but for me personally I didn't want to have a baby after the age of 37 ish when I had my last one

Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 15:39

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 11:48

Yes your pastor let you down, your husband has let you down in the past, do not rely on him or consider his opinion on what happens to your body.
If you want to have your tubes tied then research and make an informed choice.
Personally I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone that obviously dislikes me and doesn't have my best interests at heart.

Edited

you say he is someone who obviously dislikes me - I think some other people have said similar. Such as “he clearly doesn’t love you” etc.

I am so confused by this. Why would he even bother to marry me and put effort into our life together if he doesn’t care?

why do I find this so confusing? Why am I so shocked and surprised? I think it’s because I have believed his words - and maybe created a narrative in my own mind? Believing that he loves me but struggles to show it when he is in a bad mood?

I have such a hard time believing he doesn’t love me. He has said he loves me. But he has also said, when I asked him to please speak in a kinder / softer voice, “If you don’t like it, LEAVE! Get a divorce!” And that was early on in our marriage. I don’t think he would say it now bc he knows I really would get a divorce. He has since apologised. But maybe that’s his real truth. He doesn’t care.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 20/09/2023 15:56

Love is complex and I reckon you can love someone and yet the genuine love you feel doesn't translate into treating them well. I'm not sure how useful it is dwelling on whether this man loves you, the real issue is always a persons actions.

I would put more trust in your instincts here because you sound surrounded by people who don't have your best interests at heart.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/09/2023 16:19

He likes the role you play in his life- helpmeet. He's not very interested in who you are, what you need, what you want.

It's all about him.

I'm so sorry, it's hard.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 20/09/2023 16:46

The two threads you have started about divorce are terrifying.

He is physically abusing your children, as well as emotionally, and has threatened to kill you all TWICE.

There is nothing NOTHING to be said or reasoned out about why he does what he does - you HAVE to leave to protect them. Get help from Women's Aid and the police.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 20/09/2023 19:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 20/09/2023 19:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CarpetSlipper · 20/09/2023 19:36

If the comments on this thread regarding other threads of yours are correct then you need to leave with the kids. You can contact womens aid or if he becomes threatening or violent you can call the police. I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
Amgelima · 20/09/2023 20:07

Oh thank you so much. I would like to have the names of those barristers, please. My husband is very intelligent. I can’t say he is always completely charming in public, sometimes he has some awkward moments or has social anxiety. But he comes across as warm and happy, which is not who he is at home at all. I will message you.

OP posts:
mullyluo · 20/09/2023 20:36

Sorry OP but your dh sounds awful. I'm about to have my third section of what I think will be my last baby. Dh would like a fourth but he understands that the decision is mine and doesn't put any pressure on. Three under three sounds like so difficult, which is why most 'other women' don't do it. I hope you have the confidents to keep going with your career and doing what makes you happy now that your kids are a bit older.

Maray1967 · 20/09/2023 20:42

He wants a fourth baby because he is trying to keep you ‘controlled’. He is not a good man.