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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 20/09/2023 20:43

I have two DC - as do most of the tonne I know. A few have 3. A very small number have 4. Where is he getting this idea from that lots of women have 4 kids?

Maray1967 · 20/09/2023 20:44

Women not tonne!!

Original poster
Amgelima · 21/09/2023 05:07

i don’t think he thinks lots of people have four children, but there are some specific families that have had four or more and he is envious. Every time an acquaintance with three or more children is expecting another baby, he says, “how come she can do it and toy won’t/can’t?”? There are a couple of mothers at school who have had a fourth - but the gaps between their children are larger.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 21/09/2023 06:26

@Amgelima
You had 3 babies in a very short period of time. And hes been going on about another for 3 years, your LO is only 3. That alone made me suspicious of an abusive partner.

Keeping women pregnant or with a small baby is a very common abusive controlling behaviour.

I haven't read your other threads but he may become more dangerous as his control slips. As you become more independent and able to get some control back in your life.

Get your tubes tied. That is something you can control. Another baby will make life harder for you and reduce your ability to become independent from him.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/09/2023 06:33

I'm not sure what kind of church you are part of but I know that they can sometimes be bubbles. The average family doesn't have anywhere near 4 kids now. I suspect most women (definitely include myself) couldn't cope with 4 or more, not with all the high maintenance parenting feel you have to do and things the schools expect from parents.

Honestly I think to have more than one you either need a supportive partner or involved extended family. For more than 3 you need both without seriously risking your mental health.

He doesn't seem to care about you or his kids. I don't know what your churches role in this is, are they all about big families to boost numbers? Is there anyone else you can reach out to here?

VestaTilley · 21/09/2023 07:28

@tara66 please don’t suggest surrogacy as just any other option for having children - all you’re doing is outsourcing the pregnancy risk to another woman - usually one who is poorer and more vulnerable than the commissioning parent.

OhCobblers · 21/09/2023 07:44

OP I read your other thread before I found this one. You need to get the hell out of this marriage and your children out. Your husband is hideous.
He abuses the children he already has - you know not to bring another child into this mess.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2023 07:45

He doesn’t want another baby he just wants to trap you

CecilyP · 21/09/2023 09:22

Amgelima · 21/09/2023 05:07

i don’t think he thinks lots of people have four children, but there are some specific families that have had four or more and he is envious. Every time an acquaintance with three or more children is expecting another baby, he says, “how come she can do it and toy won’t/can’t?”? There are a couple of mothers at school who have had a fourth - but the gaps between their children are larger.

Well quite! They’re probably not 43 either. And probably haven’t had 3 C-sections - I thought having more than 3 was considered dangerous. I personally don’t know anyone with more than 3 children. Forget about whether he loves you; he’s acting in a way that suggests he doesn’t care about you at all

AvocadotoastORahouse · 21/09/2023 09:30

does not want me to get my tubes tied so we are using condoms

It's not his decision!! It's your body. If you want to be sterilised, do it. You don't need his permission!

Frankly with the way he sounds, I wouldn't trust him to not put a pin in the condom so I'd be making sure I couldn't get pregnant anyway.

He sounds very disrespectful of your bodily autonomy and opinion.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 21/09/2023 09:32

Naunet · 20/09/2023 08:49

and I feel I am just starting to breathe again
I’m wondering if this is what he doesn’t like?

Good point

AvocadotoastORahouse · 21/09/2023 09:36

Oh God your next update at 09:38 (yesterday) - what an absolute scumbag!!

How bloody dare he criticise you as a mother and compare you to beat you down.

That's sodding awful! What a prick.

Sugarfree23 · 21/09/2023 10:16

Thinking about it Op I can think of 4 families that I know with 4 or more children.
2, very spread out, currently kids in work while others are in primary.
1, has multiples
1, had a happy accident!

ohdamnitjanet · 21/09/2023 14:14

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 06:54

Thanks for your reply. I have asked him why and he says he loves babies and feels grief over the fact that I don’t want another. I have asked him whether he feels any concern over the potential risks to myself (or to the baby - eg, increased potential for downs or autism or other challenges) and he says he is of course understanding of my fear of risk but then “how come other women can do it?” So I really feel like he is not actually concerned and thinks I should just take the risk. He also refused to get the snip and does not want me to get my tubes tied so we are using condoms (bc I don’t want to use hormonal birth control or the coil and would prefer tubal ligation). I honestly thought we would be able to come to a birth control decision by now as well and didn’t expect to still be using condoms, but he is holding out.

What a knob. I’d be holding out too, on sex.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 21/09/2023 14:38

It's really sad that you feel the need to ask. No, of course you're not being unreasonable. It's your body and your life.

IvyIvyIvy · 21/09/2023 15:36

Get him a puppy

AhNowTed · 21/09/2023 16:58

OP you realise by now this has zero to do with him "loving babies" and everything to do with keeping you down, dependent and under his control.

And given your other thread, and the fact he abuses not just you, but your already living small children, you would be stark raving mad to have another with this awful man.

CarandacheColours · 21/09/2023 17:11

OP on your other threads, the posts about how he yanks the kids’ arms, twists their ears and chases the oldest up the stairs angrily if he misbehaves, were very troubling to read. No child should be terrified of their parent. It’s really very damaging.

Penguinmouse · 21/09/2023 17:20

If he wants another child, he can carry it. Very easy for men to want more children when they don’t have to go through the huge physical, mental and societal toll.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 21/09/2023 17:33

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:38

I do wonder about this. It’s true that he loves babies. Part of me thinks he likes the distraction and the sweetness of the baby phase and just wants something exciting and fun to make him happy. Nothing really wrong with loving babies and wanting more in itself, but I do feel he might also have liked how he was able to criticise me and boss me around when I was tired and exhausted and over loaded with the babies. It was one of the hardest times in my life and he played a role in that. Especially with his constant criticism of my mothering and barking orders. I don’t want to go back to that world. When my youngest began nursery, my head cleared and I resumed graduate school and began planning to restart my career (just part time while children are in school). He has expressed resentment towards my career quite a bit. So perhaps this is part of it. He is an involved dad but he was very very hard on me as a mother. He kept making me feel inadequate by saying “how do other women do it?” When I talked about wanting some help or support with three three and under.

This seems to make it clear he's trying to control you, because he knows full well that another baby means you're back home, not working, not studying, being judged by him.

I'd get my tubes tied quietly if you really don't want more; I wouldn't trust him re the birth control at this point.

Allyliz · 21/09/2023 17:48

He sounds very inconsiderate and selfish. If he wants to cuddle babies get him a 'reborn' doll..they look like real babies but you don't have to do anything but order them online...I certainly wouldn't be putting myself through all the trauma for such a flimsy argument...

Switcher · 21/09/2023 17:52

If you were 10 years younger and no c sections, sure. As it is, he is putting his wants before your health.

Wnikat · 21/09/2023 17:54

It's clear from your other thread that he is abusive. Get out before he gets you pregnant again, I wouldn't trust condoms with a man like that.

MoonShinesBright · 21/09/2023 17:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 17:56

Amgelima · 21/09/2023 05:07

i don’t think he thinks lots of people have four children, but there are some specific families that have had four or more and he is envious. Every time an acquaintance with three or more children is expecting another baby, he says, “how come she can do it and toy won’t/can’t?”? There are a couple of mothers at school who have had a fourth - but the gaps between their children are larger.

There are not actually many women who have a 4th section in their mid 40s. It's clearly going to be a pretty small group. Does he think the women he sees at school fall into that category? Because the large majority of the time, the answer to that question is that they were willing and able to have 4 due to being younger and/or having less complex obstetric histories.