To not have a 4th child

[Amgelima]

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

This does sound more like a form of control… another baby will keep you home, if it has a disability even more so… he doesn’t care about your physical or mental health…. He’s a controlling man who doesn’t want you to have your own career, pension, independence from him!!
Book yourself an appointment to have your tubes cut, I’d be telling him that you do not want another baby…. Him trying to pressurise you is abusive! They’re not babies for very long so why put yourself through all that… then what? He’ll want another?!? He sounds horrible…. When he says ‘how do other women cope?’ You need to respond that maybe their husbands and family are more supportive!!! What a prick! Tell him to enjoy the 3 beauties he already has !!
Get your career, get your pension behind you….. men like this leave when they no longer have control!

I hope you know you aren’t unreasonable OP! Nobody needs to have a fourth child, he’s being ridiculous. I wanted more and my DH didn’t, it was hard and definitely a kind of grief that I had to work through but I respected his feelings.

You clearly don’t need a puppy at the moment either!

I agree this sounds like a form of control by your DH - but my argument would not just be the impact on you, but on your other children too. I have 3 and I really struggle with finding time for them all - no way could I add another into the mix.

@Amgelima you are not unreasonable at all. Men do nothing in growing a baby so very easy for him. I think he sees you as a brood mare and your pastor doesn't deserve you in his congregation.

Have you told him women don't generally have more than four c sections as it's not medically safe? Neither the pregnancy nor the actual c section? He sounds too stupid to deserve to raise any children let alone 3.

Yes and then "try" for a baby. Oh must be too old oh dear no more babies.

My answer to this would simply be ‘I COULD …. BUT I DON’T WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN!!’

LISTEN TO ME… I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN!!!!! …. And tell him that’s the end of the discussion!

Or turn it round and say Alice and John have 2 Children…..
they’re happy with 2 children … why can’t you be happy with the 3 healthy and happy children you already have? John doesn’t harass and bully Alice into having more children… why can’t YOU be more like John!!!!!

Would you really change anything though?

I had my youngest aged 40, following two miscarriages and my elder two were 7 and 5. It hasn't been easy either - I finished paying nursery fees in time for my eldest to go to uni, and just as youngest went to uni, the other two who'd been studying/working away came home... so we've had well over a year and counting with 5 strong-willed, opinionated adults living in a space that seems to have hugely diminished since they were little!

I still wouldn't 'send one back'!! Am probably quite glad we stopped at 3 though. Trying to get upgrades done to the house pre-retirement etc. Totally supporting DC2 and DC3, in terms of bed, board etc. DC2 is off to Europe soon for further studies which she has no money to support her, and DC3 thinks he is going to study in the US for his placement year. DC1 contributes a nominal amount while saving for a house deposit.

Yeah, they saw me coming...

I wouldn't send her back obviously she is very much loved but if I'd known then what I know now - and with dh deciding to stop working, gamble away all our savings and basically do nothing - I would certainly have stopped at 3. I now have to work in a warehouse starting at 6am everyday trying to make enough money for her piano lessons, grades etc. Her older siblings are 16,14 and 4 years older than her. We didn't have the youngest two until dh was earning enough as I didn't want to go through more of the struggles I'd had with the elder 2 when we had no money. By the time dd3 was born he was earning over £200k a year and we'd arranged with elderly neighbours of my parents to buy their much bigger house when they down sized. 2 years later they were ready to move but he'd gambled away our savings, had left his job and dd3 had to sleep in our bedroom until she was 8 and the eldest two ( who shared a room) left home.

We have 4 children and we are stretched very, very thinly, even though the youngest is now 4 and we only work 60 hours a week between us.

Do not do it unless you are 100% sure. I was only 30 having DC4 and it was still a slog in the first few months. We were both 100% sure we wanted DC4, we love our lives and our family - individually and as a "gang" - and there are still (at the moment, a lot of) days where we think "wtf were we thinking?"

If you feel like this now I think you’d regret it if you had a fourth. For me it feels like while my DH is a wonderful husband and there’s mutual respect, I definitely carry the mental load when it comes to my son. I had him at 41 and there was no thinking I’d have another child after that. Stick to your guns

I think you’re right, maybe go down the route of, “let’s be grateful we have 3 wonderful kids’ look at holidays, talk of how you’d have to switch cars, ask him to go one night without sleep and remind him what it’s like. Not to mention the increased risks of downs etc & on your body recovering after another c section (I didn’t know you could have more than 3 c sections?) hopefully he takes off the rose tinted glasses

We only wanted 2, after second daughter I had my tubes tied. Paid for private, in and out same day, uncomfortable but got myself hone on the underground do not at all painful