To not have a 4th child

[Amgelima]

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

Ask him is he really wanting to force you to get pregnant, force you to have a child. It's abusive and he sounds horrible.

Do not have more children with this man.

If he asks again why other women manage perhaps tell him that everyone has different limits and you've reached yours. Some women have a limit of 4 or 5, yes, but it's more common to have a limit of 2 or 3 or even 1. Where I live, 2 children is pretty average, a few families have 1 child, 3 is considered fun but maybe hectic and 4 or and above is considered wow amazing or wow insane depending on your POV. I have a limit of 2!

If he just loves babies how does he know he will be done with 4?! Babies grow up into real people

He is terrifying. His need to control you and put you down is horrific. He wants you to have another baby so you don't develop a career and independence, and so that he can enjoy barking orders at you and criticising your parenting. Open your eyes - your husband is a dreadful human being. Get your tubes tied. He gets no say in that. I would suggest you work on your course, develop your career, gain financial independence and then give your controlling awful husband the boot.

Op, the bottom line is it's not up to him and he can sulk all he likes but your it's your body, you're the one who has to go through pregnancy, birth, fourth trimester etc. He maybe gutted but needs to accept this. He sounds quite selfish and unaware of just how much you have been through/go through.

As sad as this is, when I am completely honest with myself, I don’t really have that feeling that he loves me or cherishes me or that we are really connected. I have told him this and he says I want a fantasy that doesn’t exist. He has said some really mean things to me and pushes me away emotionally. It’s hard to believe he really loves me. It’s more along the lines of “yeah ok, I do love you, you idiot”. That’s the type of sentiment he showed me for years, interspersed with some kinder moments where he said I was cute or pretty or he showed me lots of sexual interest or, very rarely, sincere conversation. He always comes at it from the perspective of making sure he gets what he wants and needs and of guarding himself. Almost like an adversarial approach - with his wife. He did not show these qualities in a way that I could identify prior to marriage. He actually went back on promises or impressions he had made prior to marriage in our pre marriage counselling.

Having read the OP's updates, I was just about to post "He wants you barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen" when I saw someone beat me to it!

Yeah, OP - he resents you resuming your career and wants you where he can control you.

GET YOUR TUBES TIED NOW.

i started another post about divorce because I have been exploring this. It’s in Relationships, but I’m thinking of perhaps reposting to AIBU bc it gets so much more traction here.

After reading all your posts... I definitely wouldn't have a baby. I would even question the whole marriage which you are doing already.

Pre-marriage counselling?
Is he religious?

Jesus, he sounds horrible. 'Other women do it' without constant criticism and it's still hard and we still 'fail' all the time but being browbeaten wouldn't help. If he loves babies so much, he's welcome to go work in a nursery. Thank god you haven't got four DC and can focus on your career because you need to get as much independence as you can so you can plan a future without this drain on your lifeforce. He sounds like his aim is to trap and disempower you and good on you for not letting him and getting yourself back. Keep breathing, make sure you absolutely do not get pregnant again, and stay strong.

At 43, with 3 healthy children, i think you’d be crackers to consider a 4th.
Ignoring the fact you’ll be nearing retirement when they are 18, what if they are born with disabilities?
What if the pregnancy alters your health?
Can you afford 4 lots of uni, driving lessons, house deposits?
And wouldn’t you both like to get a bit of your own lives back?

Would be a hard no from me!

Ultimately one of your children has to be your last. Will he ask for a fifth and sixth, you'd hope not, but maybe it's a slightly flippant but helpful way to describe it to him? When ours were baby I'd have loved a couple more, but know it's not sensible, mainly financially, and we earn quite well. Now they are getting older I see we've moved on, your 8yo will be 9 by the time any baby comes and they will never want to do the same things at the same time.

If he loves babies, and is sad there's no longer a baby in the house, what'll happen if you do have a 4th child and then it's no longer a baby.

Will he start nagging you for a 5th when it gets to 4 years old (the age of your youngest now)? By then you'll be 47/48, would you want to have another child then?

What about another 4 years after that? There's a fair chance you'll not past the point of being able to conceive by then.

Bottom line is he's going to have to deal with the lack of having a baby around some time. He may as well do so now.

YANBU to not want a 4th kid, he's being unreasonable to try and pressure you into doing so.

I'm not sure how many other women do seriously consider a fourth baby aged 43.

But that is actually by the by because you aren't other women and your circumstances, health, career and preferences are not theirs.

And even that is by the by because if you are unhappy in your relationship and considering divorce, having another baby that only one of you wants is a truly terrible idea.

How do other women do it? By not being married to arseholes!
OP he sounds nasty. Controlling, doesn't care about or respect you. PLEASE don't trust this man with your contraception if you're still having sex with him. We only have an overview but from what you've written I wouldn't trust him not to take matters into his own hands.
It's such a relief to read down the thread and see you are already considering divorce. It sounds like that would be a much happier future for you and for the kids.

Yes. We both are. I feel our pastor let me down actually. Our pre marriage questionnaire said we were incompatible and said I had a flexible personality and would make a good partner but my husband had a rigid personality and that much work would be needed before marriage would be recommended. The pastor ignored that result bc he thought we would I be fine since we were two virgins who had never lived together. He said it would all just work itself out and thought we were wonderful examples. The church h policy was that people were supposed to have professional counselling prior to marriage. My husband wanted to save money and convinced the pastor to bypass the policy. I trusted that pastor but he let me down where I think a professional would have helped more.

He sounds nasty and controlling to be honest. No way should you have another baby, sounds like he just wants you stuck in the house and someone he can beat down

Why does he want another kid?

Why did he want another baby when your 3rd was only 1 year old?

You need to ask him.

I'd divorce my husband if he made me have any more kids, no matter what other women do. this is terrible. There is no way I would have one at 43.

Ridiculous man. What on earth does he want another one for?

He sounds absolutely awful. You need to take charge of your contraception to make sure you don't become pregnant again. Can you look for support from someone outside of your family and church?

Lord. I'm a Christian too. I'm so sorry you were let down like that. I'd raise it with the senior leaders but BUT NOT until you've negotiated your exit from this situation.

Do whatever you can and need to to avoid another pregnancy.

I'm really worried about you.

Really? Not sure I would rely on a pastor or a questionnaire to decide the validity of a marriage, similarly I really don't think that they are at fault.

I think the pastor story captures how you've put too much trust in other people's authority - the pastor and your DH - for aspects of your life that you have to 100% take responsibility for. And thank goodness you've started to trust your own judgment more with the career and contraception and putting your foot down with the fourth child. Keep on this track and don't let him set you back. No one else has your best interests at heart, rarely men in positions of power, and most certainly not your husband, who only listens to himself.

(not blaming you for bowing to their authority in the past of course, it's deeply ingrained in us to put other people first and believe we can't have true agency, but it's oppressive BS and you're well on the journey to being free of it).