Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
CarandacheColours · 20/09/2023 09:51

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:38

I do wonder about this. It’s true that he loves babies. Part of me thinks he likes the distraction and the sweetness of the baby phase and just wants something exciting and fun to make him happy. Nothing really wrong with loving babies and wanting more in itself, but I do feel he might also have liked how he was able to criticise me and boss me around when I was tired and exhausted and over loaded with the babies. It was one of the hardest times in my life and he played a role in that. Especially with his constant criticism of my mothering and barking orders. I don’t want to go back to that world. When my youngest began nursery, my head cleared and I resumed graduate school and began planning to restart my career (just part time while children are in school). He has expressed resentment towards my career quite a bit. So perhaps this is part of it. He is an involved dad but he was very very hard on me as a mother. He kept making me feel inadequate by saying “how do other women do it?” When I talked about wanting some help or support with three three and under.

he was very very hard on me as a mother. He kept making me feel inadequate by saying “how do other women do it?”

This has made me hate him. Sorry OP, I think you are with an uncaring selfish dickhead. No more kids. Please.

Your other children need to see their mum treated with respect.

CarandacheColours · 20/09/2023 09:52

I am in my early fifties. I can’t imagine going through the perimenopause stage with a young child. It can be pretty tiring for some women; caring for a small child could be quite a challenge.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/09/2023 09:52

Not only should you not have another baby, you should a) reconsider your birth control because you're vulnerable to him tampering with it and b) reconsider being with him, because he sounds absolutely bloody dreadful.

And I've never posted LTB on here before!

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 09:53

Infact next time he brings it up tell him you'd never even contemplate having another child with him because he was so absolutely incompetent as a husband in his supportive role towards you as a mother that he ruined the idea of having anymore, it's his own fault.
I'm so angry for you op!

Justgonefishing · 20/09/2023 09:54

gosh i'm feeling really sad for you OP after your updates. have you both got goals and dreams for when you are older and together post the young child stage?? i dont know why he would have been critical of your mothering skills but then wanting you to have another. i think as we age as women we do come into our own and it sounds like you understandably wishing to purse education and career is rocking the boat emotionally for him. theres such a big role for him as a dad as they grow up, its a perfect time for a mum to step back into work if she wants to and i'm sad that he doesn't seem to want to support your own dreams .

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/09/2023 09:56

Wow, I was 100% on your side from the start but your updates are harrowing, do you really love this man? Because he doesn't love you. Sorry OP.

Viewfrommyhouse · 20/09/2023 09:58

Your update is disturbing. I'd leave him.

Noicant · 20/09/2023 09:58

He’s horrible OP, a man who cares for his wife doesn’t behave like this.

Bullshot · 20/09/2023 09:59

As above

He sounds awful OP

Silvetmoon · 20/09/2023 10:03

He’s lucky you had any children with him at all after reading your updates!
sounds like he wants you trapped.

Cowlover89 · 20/09/2023 10:06

Yanbu x

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 20/09/2023 10:07

He needs to drop this. It would massively piss me off. You have said no. End of.

I am 44 and have 3 kids. The youngest is 4. I would feel the same as you.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 20/09/2023 10:08

Bloody hell 3 is more than enough. And you're 43!

EasternStandard · 20/09/2023 10:08

Doesn’t sound good at all op

AluckyEllie · 20/09/2023 10:11

Following your update I would say prioritise your career and job. He might get over it and give his head a wobble/become supportive. He also might just get even nastier, belittling you and become obstructive about you working. It’s always good to have a backup plan and not get trapped in marriage because you can’t afford to leave. Do you have a pension or any savings? Start building those up pronto- just in case…

What a horrible man though, he wants a good little housewife raising his children and looking after the home. It’s not really being a team is it?!

FedUpWithEverything123 · 20/09/2023 10:11

Plus he sounds absolutely awful OP. I wouldn't have had more than 1 with such a jerk

Trickedbyadoughnut · 20/09/2023 10:13

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/09/2023 09:52

Not only should you not have another baby, you should a) reconsider your birth control because you're vulnerable to him tampering with it and b) reconsider being with him, because he sounds absolutely bloody dreadful.

And I've never posted LTB on here before!

This.

Tinklyheadtilt · 20/09/2023 10:13

He sounds like an idiot. Who does he think he is harassing you for a child like that?

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/09/2023 10:14

@Amgelima

have you asked him how do other men manage to not be absolute knobheads towards their wives?

QueenCamilla · 20/09/2023 10:14

I always thought there's something deeply wrong with the "baby machine" people. Fetishism, or control issues, or a massive psyshological void that doesn't allow full engagement with the rest of the life out there. This just confirms it.

Sort out any contraception that you can rely on OP. Start putting a plan together on how to live a fulfilling life without this awful man. He will get much worse in due time.

"Other women can do it?" Other women would love to kick him in the balls!

Bumply · 20/09/2023 10:18

I feel tired reading this. I had my boys at 35 and 39 and they've only just moved out now I'm 60 (eldest was away 4 years at uni then came back for a year)

Liking the baby stage is one thing. Wait until they're pre teen and teenagers and see if it's still fun for you all and as older parents too.

His prioritising his wishes over your health and well-being is worrying.

If there was an 'accident' with the condoms and you got pregnant would you want a termination or would you keep it but resent it having happened? How much 'fun' would that be for him?

Sceptre86 · 20/09/2023 10:19

My dh wanted a 3rd, I was on the fence. He left me to it and I decided on a third child eventually (2 years after he first suggested it)and dd2 is now 2. I now would like a 4th but he wouldn't as he is worried about my needing to have a 4th section and the difficulties I have in my last trimester as well as my recovery afterwards. My point of sharing is that it's not his decision to make just as it wasn't my dh's. The choice ultimately should always be left to the woman as we take the risks associated with pregnancy. If your heart isn't in it then he should respect that.

Spambod · 20/09/2023 10:22

44 years old a 5, 7 and 9 year old. Post surgery, lots of nappies, feeding, nights. I cant imagine how hard all of that would be to juggle. What is your husband practical plan for this to work rather than his fantasy of a gaggle of kids. I am guessing he is not very hands on.

PerfectMatch · 20/09/2023 10:23

He sounds pretty awful OP. Definitely don't have another baby with him. Personally I would arrange to go and get my tubes tied.

DuploTrain · 20/09/2023 10:27

Your DH sounds really unpleasant quite honestly. Does he have any care for you as a person? You don’t seem to be entirely sure.

Personally I would not have sex until the contraception is entirely sorted. Would you be prepared to have a termination if the condoms failed? It doesn’t seem likely he would support you in this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread