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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
Redmat · 19/09/2023 15:40

You are not wrong. Uninvited children should not be at a party and she has no manners.

Owjrbvr · 19/09/2023 15:41

I was surprised at one of my DCs parties that two mums brought older kids without asking who then expected a party bag. Lucky I had some spare. I always ask if my younger one needs to come and irs only to the parties that I need to stay at so have little choice

IVFbeenverylucky · 19/09/2023 15:41

Obviously very rude, unless you were expecting parents to stay, in which case I think you've got to expect that, but at 8 I hope that wasn't the case!

Clefable · 19/09/2023 15:43

So rude!!!

madamreign · 19/09/2023 15:44

It's rude.

But I wouldn't judge to harshly.

She may be broke. The eldest might be nervous. Who knows.

ButterCrackers · 19/09/2023 15:44

How impolite of her. Chalk it up to experience. At your next party put only invited child on the invitation due to space limitations and planned party activities.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2023 15:44

I think it’s just one of those things. Yes it’s rude and annoying, especially when it’s in your home, but it happens quite often. I also do extra party bags.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:45

If she had asked beforehand and said "look I'm sorry I don't have transport or I need to stay for some other good reason" then maybe it would have been ok. Or I could have suggested the park as an option, or explained that we had limited guest numbers due to space.

All but two of the mums just dropped their kids off and left, although all were invited to stay with their kids if they wanted to.

It just seems rude to turn up having told her own kids "yes you can both go to the party" and just assume that's fine. Daring me to be the one to tell her youngest that no they can't stay.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 19/09/2023 15:46

"His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"

She was extremely rude. I feel this would have been your chance to say 'No need for you to stay with oldest. You and youngest can go and have some time together. There's a nice park just around the corner. Pick up for oldest is at 4'. Not always easy in the moment though.

KeyWorker · 19/09/2023 15:46

It was indeed very rude of her, however, you could have said no!

Labtastic · 19/09/2023 15:47

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

But surely this was your opportunity to say cheerily, "no need to stay as you've got x's brother to look after too, pick up at 4pm - see you later!" and send them both on their way?

EvilElsa · 19/09/2023 15:47

She was hoping you'd say she could leave and give her a couple of hours off. I wouldn't be overly bothered about the present as some people haven't got money to spare, but the sibling expecting a party bag would wind me up (not the kid obviously, the parent). It's done now anyway, you'll know for next time to stick a proviso about guest numbers on the invite!!!

Labtastic · 19/09/2023 15:49

I mean, she should have asked, but there are always people in this world who are rude and CFs. You can't really do nothing about it st the time and then complain after 🤷‍♀️

DinnaeFashYersel · 19/09/2023 15:51

Total CF

Bet you regret not saying something though.

Circumferences · 19/09/2023 15:51

Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️

drunkpeacock · 19/09/2023 15:52

She was a massive CF trying to get the younger dc to stay without her too 😵‍💫

With hindsight something like "oh you're welcome to leave Ben here then you and Alex can enjoy the park for a bit" would have done, but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? 😆

WeWereInParis · 19/09/2023 15:53

madamreign · 19/09/2023 15:44

It's rude.

But I wouldn't judge to harshly.

She may be broke. The eldest might be nervous. Who knows.

I don't think either of those are reasons to say "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"

If he's nervous, she could have stayed. Being broke makes no difference to bringing the brother - I do appreciate it makes a difference as far as no present is concerned.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:53

We've had about 10 parties in the garden over the years of our two boys being the right age for that sort of party, and it's never happened before. A couple of times with people we know well I have asked if they need to bring the sibling along, especially when the kids were younger, but almost always they would just drop the kid off.

But I thought it would be just polite to ask first.

Regarding the gift - I did explain to DS that some people don't have any money to spare and so it's ok if they can't afford a gift, because we wouldn't want them to go without food or something just to give a present.

In this particular case, I guess the car repayments on her Evoque are quite costly, so she needs to save the pennies.

OP posts:
whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 15:54

Circumferences · 19/09/2023 15:51

Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️

Spot the CF turning up with the extra kid!

She doesn't need to chill, she needs to be firmer.

If she has said to me "brother is tagging along" I would have said: not to this party he isn't. And I would have told her she can pick up her one invited child at whatever time.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:55

"Not always easy in the moment though."

I don't do well with confrontation, and I felt bad to be put in the situation of telling a kid who has obviously been told by the mother "yes you can go too" that they can't. So it was easier to roll over and let them. Just won't invite that kid from the class again (even though it's totally not his fault!)

OP posts:
meditated · 19/09/2023 15:57

Op, the posters saying 'you should've just said no' I.e. this is of your own doing, are the same posters that would've called you very rude if you indeed did say 'no' to this 5/6 year old kid.

Everybody I know would've done exactly what you did; and would have felt exactly as you do too - so not unreasonable.

Try to laugh it away as it's done now. Better to turn it into a joke to tell than something to be frustrated over.

ditalini · 19/09/2023 15:57

There's always one family who chance their arm. You'll see it over and over again.

They do it because they've got brass necks and generally get away with it.

Up to you how much you put up with.

Our chancer family were lovely people but you had to be firm, especially with party bags or they'd help themselves to extras + doggy bags of party food for the ones at home (they were not at all short of cash).

They'd also descend on the park after school, say "oh are you staying for a while?" and waft off to meet a mate for coffee leaving you looking after their children*

*Obviously only once per mug parent until word got around.

Beamur · 19/09/2023 15:58

People are cheeky.
The sibling thing you either need to accept will happen from time to time and roll with, or make it clear that they aren't invited - either on the invitation or on the day if the parent is rude enough to try that on.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:00

"Spot the CF turning up with the extra kid!

She doesn't need to chill, she needs to be firmer."

Yeah, I know I should be. Part of the fact I'm so annoyed is because I feel like I'm a pushover sometimes and too shy to make a fuss until after the person is out of earshot. And I couldn't bring myself to say "sorry kid, no bouncy castle for you!"

She was still a massively CF though, regardless, IMO.

OP posts:
TropicalTrama · 19/09/2023 16:02

The whole thing is odd! I would never expect to stay at a party for 8YOs, IME that starts to phase out during Y1. She did ask you if she should stay or go, I would have said no need to stay and she can pick up ‘Oliver’ ie just the eldest at 3pm (or whenever it finishes).

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