Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
viques · 19/09/2023 16:59

I would quietly be putting the word around to any other parents in the class/ friendship group that there is a cf on the loose.

It is one thing to ask because you don’t have any other child care fo a younger child, but to blatantly ask if you can drop and run an uninvited child is piling on the fuckery.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:00

"You say... everyone's lives are different. They may be very busy or not have much spare money at the moment...but it was very nice of them to get you a card anyway and we didn't invite people just so we could presents."

Yes......that's exactly the conversation we had. All of those talking points were covered.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:01

"I would quietly be putting the word around to any other parents in the class/ friendship group that there is a cf on the loose."

Nah, I'm leaving my bitching to here only. It might have been a "having a bad day" one-off. As people say, we don't know the circumstances. If they do it again then its gossip central, but until then I'd best give them the benefit of the doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:04

"I have had this happen to me numerous times and, while I would never do it myself, I always do my best to include the extra child as best I can"

Thankfully there was enough food to go around and they could all take it in turns on the bouncy castle. Couldn't do much about the party bags as they were pre-prepped but I didn't deny the boy the party food and a piece of cake!

OP posts:
EmmaPaella · 19/09/2023 17:05

Er, this was in no way your fault for not saying No, she as a CF for putting you in that situation. It’s happened to me too.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:07

"The "correct" response would be "Oh, I wasn't anticipating any extras I'm afraid, but there's a fab park around the corner that you can take your younger one too then pop back at 2pm to pick Freddy up".

Yes, I was rather thrown at that point, but in hindsight that would have been a reasonable thing to say. But then it turned out ok in the end (after DS had said to me "who is that?!") I just was put out by the rudeness!

OP posts:
whatwasthatgrandma · 19/09/2023 17:08

meditated · 19/09/2023 15:57

Op, the posters saying 'you should've just said no' I.e. this is of your own doing, are the same posters that would've called you very rude if you indeed did say 'no' to this 5/6 year old kid.

Everybody I know would've done exactly what you did; and would have felt exactly as you do too - so not unreasonable.

Try to laugh it away as it's done now. Better to turn it into a joke to tell than something to be frustrated over.

They obviously are not. You don't even make sense.

EggInANest · 19/09/2023 17:08

Do invite the child next year but put ‘sorry, we are unable to accommodate siblings, hope you understand’ on the invitation.

Lordofmyflies · 19/09/2023 17:09

She's just rude. But you now know and her card is marked.
When my DC's were younger there was a parent just like that who would always turn up to parties with her 2 children, dump both, run and then pull a face when both of her dears didnt get a party bag / food / cake.
She only did it once to me - I was ready for her the second time!

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:13

"Do invite the child next year but put ‘sorry, we are unable to accommodate siblings, hope you understand’ on the invitation."

Yes I think this is the fairest move.

I'm not sure when they grow out of this kind of party? I'm hoping soonish because I always find them very stressful to organise! but feel that I want to do so, because I always had lovely parties as a kid, so it's my turn now!

Eldest has migrated to "invite a handful of friends to the cinema/bowling/trampoline place" kind of party (where it would be obvious that it's no siblings) but I can't remember what age that transition happens!

But I bet I will miss the mayhem when it stops!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:21

So I think to Summarise:

Most people think the woman is a bit of a CF and that it's a bit rude.

Quite a few have experienced similar and either are chilled enough to roll with it, or it was annoying but they got over themselves and let it slide, or assertive enough to nip it in the bud.

A few think I should stop obsessing about the gift like it's burning a hole in my soul - honestly, it's not, it was just an example of extra cheekiness/rudeness on her part!

A few are horrified because I didn't do a good job of explaining the chat I had with my son and it sounded like I just said "presents are the only thing that matter and maybe your friend is poor so try not to hate him", whereas it was much more a "gifts aren't everything and people all have different situations" sort of a chat which he added suggestions to and he's a good kid and likes discussing things and thinking about different points of view (and he's forgotten about the gift anyway, as he's now 40% cake and 10% Lego)

Thanks for the chat.

I'll try to be more assertive or more chill next time depending on the situation. but I agree I shouldn't take it out on the kid and not invite him. It's not his fault.

OP posts:
RawOnions · 19/09/2023 17:28

Your kid has not had a proper childhood if this hasn’t happened to you as a parent at least once.

Yes it’s cheeky and she will carry on doing this to anyone who lets her.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 19/09/2023 17:32

So if she didn't need to stay there was no reason to bring the youngest child. She's a CF.

MouseKeys · 19/09/2023 17:35

Maybe it's a case of different strokes for different folks?
Where we are, it's pretty much expected that brothers and sisters will tag along to birthday parties especially as most parties round here are held either in the park or at the beach. My kid went to a party last Sunday where there were 4 "extras", I generally just buy extra sweets/crisps to put out for them so I wouldn't be bothered by this although I can see why you were.
(The parents I know also generally stay at parties and there is usually a bottle of rose or two for us to catch up over so I'm fine with staying 🤣)

M4J4 · 19/09/2023 17:37

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:55

"Not always easy in the moment though."

I don't do well with confrontation, and I felt bad to be put in the situation of telling a kid who has obviously been told by the mother "yes you can go too" that they can't. So it was easier to roll over and let them. Just won't invite that kid from the class again (even though it's totally not his fault!)

Next time this happens just say sorry I've said no to other siblings attending, it wouldn't be fair to let one stay. Please come back in 2 hours to collect.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:39

MouseKeys · 19/09/2023 17:35

Maybe it's a case of different strokes for different folks?
Where we are, it's pretty much expected that brothers and sisters will tag along to birthday parties especially as most parties round here are held either in the park or at the beach. My kid went to a party last Sunday where there were 4 "extras", I generally just buy extra sweets/crisps to put out for them so I wouldn't be bothered by this although I can see why you were.
(The parents I know also generally stay at parties and there is usually a bottle of rose or two for us to catch up over so I'm fine with staying 🤣)

Yeah, our garden is on the small side, barely room to squeeze the bouncy castle in, so it wasn't exactly as if we had room for extras. I guess I should be thankful it was just one! When I was a kid we had a massive garden and I used to invite the whole class!

OP posts:
Hotsaucegal · 19/09/2023 17:42

Definitely a bit cheeky/rude but not completely unheard of. I think she should have checked with you ahead of the party but probably didn’t because she didn’t want to run the risk of being refused. Given that the party was in the garden and it didn’t cost you anything extra ( compared to an activity birthday such as bowling or soft play where it’s price per head vs. Fixed cost) I’d just chalk it up as one of those things. Yes, as people have pointed out you could have just said no but better to stay in the good books of your children’s friends and their parents.

MouseKeys · 19/09/2023 17:42

@MadameameBeans whole class parties at home were definitely a thing when I was little too, until our parents realised taking just 2-3 friends to the ice rink or the cinema was much easier on them 🤣

AccountantMum · 19/09/2023 17:44

Are you sure when she said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"
She didn't mean her and her other child can go together or stay? Maybe she wasn't sure if she was able to leave her 8 year old?
If that is what she meant I don't think she has been rude - Otherwise this seems odd and would be the part which I would find rude (her leaving without the younger child).

I don't think the gift is rude most children that have attended my children's parties have brought gifts but I would not expect it or have any issue if someone did not bring a gift, they brought a card and came to celebrate with your child.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 19/09/2023 17:47

You seem equally rude mentioning no present!
I'd rather not have a load of plastic tat and just be happy my son had a good day with his friends.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:49

AccountantMum · 19/09/2023 17:44

Are you sure when she said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"
She didn't mean her and her other child can go together or stay? Maybe she wasn't sure if she was able to leave her 8 year old?
If that is what she meant I don't think she has been rude - Otherwise this seems odd and would be the part which I would find rude (her leaving without the younger child).

I don't think the gift is rude most children that have attended my children's parties have brought gifts but I would not expect it or have any issue if someone did not bring a gift, they brought a card and came to celebrate with your child.

What she said was something like "His younger brother [Name] is tagging along today. Do you need to me to stay and chaperone [Name], or shall I go, and come back for them both at four?"

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 19/09/2023 17:50

There are regular threads about this and it seems like it's becoming the norm. It didn't used to happen. Given that most people think it's CF territory but don't say anything because they don't want to seem mean/they're put on the spot/they don't like confrontation, can I suggest a very small way of making a stand? Don't give the extras a party bag. Have only enough for the invited children (as OP did) and if a child drops out late on, don't let on. 'Sorry, there are only enough for the children who were invited'. Those PPs who anticipate this and do extra bags are just encouraging the CFs to carry on doing it.

It's only a small thing, the extras still get food and play games (if it's an at home party, soft play etc paid for parties are different) but it makes the point that they're not going to get everything - makes the point to the parents rather than the child.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 17:51

eatdrinkandbemerry · 19/09/2023 17:47

You seem equally rude mentioning no present!
I'd rather not have a load of plastic tat and just be happy my son had a good day with his friends.

How is it rude? I didn't mention it to her, only on here as an example of her rudeness.
I'd never be so rude as to shame a parent at a party "why haven't you brought a present with you!?"

People keep going on about the gift in this thread and I feel I have to reply to clarify, and then others chip in with "you seem obsessed about this gift". I can't win!

If you think turning up to a small birthday party with no token gift, but with an uninvited child is absolutely fine, then that says more about you than it does about me.

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 19/09/2023 17:53

madamreign · 19/09/2023 15:44

It's rude.

But I wouldn't judge to harshly.

She may be broke. The eldest might be nervous. Who knows.

😆 yes this is definitely nervous behaviour not cheeky fuckery. Be kind OP, lie down and make it easier for people to walk all over you.

Twistyemily · 19/09/2023 17:54

She was incredibly rude, but you had plenty of opportunity to let her know that.
"His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"
"I think there's been a misunderstanding. I haven't invited brothers and sisters, so yes of course you can go, but you'll need to take x with you.".

Swipe left for the next trending thread