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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
TheShinmeister · 19/09/2023 19:01

Cheeky fuck. I invited one kid once and got the three siblings. Blithely walked in and took over.

Hotsaucegal · 19/09/2023 19:02

VivX · 19/09/2023 18:52

One of my friends used to do parties on a tight budget and used to do a combo party bag and party food in a named box or bag (a bit like a McDonald's happy meal).

It ensured that those with restrictions, allergies and special diets got the right food and as a sort of side-effect, she wasn't catering for random children who turned up uninvited on the day.

I think this would probably turn out more expensive than just providing nibbles (fruit, cucumber/carrot sticks, crisps, biscuits) and a cake? Realistically, if on a budget avoiding meal times (from say till 2-5 ) is best strategy? making individual happy meals for each child seems unnecessarily labour intensive and a bit controlling? As a child I would have hated that.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 19/09/2023 19:02

BeeHappy12 · 19/09/2023 18:20

Has this really never happened to so many people before. This is pretty much the norm at parties I've been to or held, especially if it's at a house or garden. Younger and older siblings joining in. What difference did it make to you in real terms?

Well, presumably if many other parents had done this there wouldn't be enough food/party bags to go round, for starters? Plus not much fun for the siblings if they don't know anyone at the party and happen to be shy, or if the older kids leave them out.

Twistyemily · 19/09/2023 19:04

The thing is, if the parent is able to leave they can take the sibling with them and do something else for a couple of hours. (Like the dad mentioned above, and this CF). I'd have more sympathy if they were a single parent needing to stay with a young child and also needing to have another child with them. Bloody rude not to ask though, whatever the circumstances.

0hNoNotAgain · 19/09/2023 19:06

I voted YABU as you should have said No

Prinnny · 19/09/2023 19:21

Very CF! I get where you’re coming from with the no present, it’s just the cherry on the top of cheekiness. Some people have more front than Blackpool. That kid wouldn’t be getting another invite, avoid the CF families at all costs.

floppybit · 19/09/2023 19:21

Where I live (north west of England) parents always bring all the siblings to parties. Every party I've had for my DC I've ended up with all their friends siblings there and not batted an eyelid! I've always done tons of food so it's not a problem and if the uninvited ones have to go without a party bag so be it. I'm quite shocked at how rude everyone else thinks this is, I honestly don't mind at all

floppybit · 19/09/2023 19:22

But the no present thing is very rude...

EstieGreenwood · 19/09/2023 19:28

She’s wrong for bringing the extra kid, you’re wrong for not saying ‘no, sorry’!

housethatbuiltme · 19/09/2023 19:37

"His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"

'Oh no childcare issues, hope everything is ok? Dont worry about it if you need to take younger brother elsewhere. In fact we kept numbers small specifically so I can keep an eye on them all and invited child will be safe here with us while you and the little one are off at the park or wherever'.

Missingmyusername · 19/09/2023 19:37

YANBU. It’s even worse when the sibling is what can only be described as the devils spawn. Throws itself down in your dog’s bed and proceeds to scream blue murder for 90 bloody minutes straight, there was a short break when it went upstairs to torment the other kids.

In this case mum stayed but proceeded to pretty much ignore me, whilst she gently spoke to her child “I’ll have to take you home if you carry on”. It was all I could manage not to say- PLEASE DO SO.

She always insists on bringing the sibling everywhere the girls go, they're never without stroppy sibling who has to have its own way or else. Never witnessed anything like it in my bloody life.

VivX · 19/09/2023 19:40

Hotsaucegal · 19/09/2023 19:02

I think this would probably turn out more expensive than just providing nibbles (fruit, cucumber/carrot sticks, crisps, biscuits) and a cake? Realistically, if on a budget avoiding meal times (from say till 2-5 ) is best strategy? making individual happy meals for each child seems unnecessarily labour intensive and a bit controlling? As a child I would have hated that.

Show quote history

I would have, too and my own children didn't love it, tbh. They would still need feeding afterwards, too.

But because there was less space, there were less food and also less treats for the party bag side of things.

She was super organised and didn't mind the extra "labour" if it saved some pennies. I'm pretty sure she would not have bothered unless it was worth it.

housethatbuiltme · 19/09/2023 19:40

floppybit · 19/09/2023 19:21

Where I live (north west of England) parents always bring all the siblings to parties. Every party I've had for my DC I've ended up with all their friends siblings there and not batted an eyelid! I've always done tons of food so it's not a problem and if the uninvited ones have to go without a party bag so be it. I'm quite shocked at how rude everyone else thinks this is, I honestly don't mind at all

I live in the North East and certainly not a thing here.

Ive been hosting parties for 16 years and only 1 family ever did this (and they had the manners to ASK and not expect party bags etc...).

Babies in arms often attend but not school aged siblings.

PlacidPenelope · 19/09/2023 19:47

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

Stop being so 'British' (albeit I don't think your behaviour can be written off as 'British') there is no need to cause a scene or think saying his younger brother is not invited and therefore can't stay is confrontational. Stop allowing yourself to be emotionally blackmailed.

LlynTegid · 19/09/2023 19:48

I think you need to use this episode as a reason to say no in future to such behaviour. If your DS is not great friends with the invited child, even think about no invite next year if you have a party.

HauntedPencil · 19/09/2023 19:48

This is common. I did a party which was pay per head and booked a small room, I had 4 uninvited siblings -there wasn't the food or space for them and it made this really hectic.

It's really rude. Its ok to text and say you've no childcare could you maybe drop the one child, or if it's a venue I've paid my kid in. I wouldn't just stroll in and plonk them at the party table.

AnneElliott · 19/09/2023 19:58

It's annoying op and she's a CF. I well remember our CF family who brought siblings and a cousin! But never got invited again. Some kids in the class told the kid that their parents wouldn't allow him to come due to the extra people that tagged along Shock

Just don't invite that kid again next year.

Ap42 · 19/09/2023 19:59

I had a similar experience for my sons birthday. I had paid £25 per head for lazer tag and pizza, which I limited to 10 children. A child who was invited brought along his younger sister, and his Dad just presumed it was OK. I was so dumbfounded at the cheeky fuckery of it that she just stayed. This child didn't even bring a card! I just don't understand how some people miss the memo of basic manners!
As part of my sons party package they took a photo of the kids and framed it. It still pisses me off looking at the child who's name I don't even know par taking in a party that she wasn't even invited too! 🤔

AliOlis · 19/09/2023 20:00

Ap42 · 19/09/2023 19:59

I had a similar experience for my sons birthday. I had paid £25 per head for lazer tag and pizza, which I limited to 10 children. A child who was invited brought along his younger sister, and his Dad just presumed it was OK. I was so dumbfounded at the cheeky fuckery of it that she just stayed. This child didn't even bring a card! I just don't understand how some people miss the memo of basic manners!
As part of my sons party package they took a photo of the kids and framed it. It still pisses me off looking at the child who's name I don't even know par taking in a party that she wasn't even invited too! 🤔

Did you pay for her?!

timetorefresh · 19/09/2023 20:03

I once had a grandparent bring a kid to a party at my home. She had younger sibling (in middle of toilet training) with her. Asked if she needed to stay, I said no. She left, took my a little while to realise she'd left both behind. Am friends with the mum now, never told her what her MIL did

Ap42 · 19/09/2023 20:09

AliOlis · 19/09/2023 20:00

Did you pay for her?!

Show quote history

Yeap! I didn't have a whole lot of choice once she was dropped off. I was so angry with myself for not saying anything. I had never spent so much on a party either, but it was my sons last before leaving primary.

FootprintsOnTheCeiling · 19/09/2023 20:09

If I’d arranged a party at soft play or a venue then I would think they were CF but if it was in my garden it wouldn’t bother me if there was an extra child or two especially if I’d set a limit of 12-15 and only 13 came.
Regarding the gift, or lack of, I’d think it odd but as my child was receiving 12 gifts, they’re hardly going without.

thetrainatplatform4 · 19/09/2023 20:13

I guess the car repayments on her Evoque are quite costly, so she needs to save the pennies.

You say you don't expect a present - she might not have the money and so on but you've judged this woman terribly in this once sentence.

One can only imagine when you explained to your son about different circumstances that you said it through gritted teeth whilst also being hung up on what car this woman drove

You sound terribly judgemental

JudgeJ · 19/09/2023 20:16

Circumferences · 19/09/2023 15:51

Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️

Maybe the OP should 'chill' and throw the party open to all lazy parents who want to dump their children for a couple of hours and she should also ensure that the catering is very elastic with a couple of hundred party bags!

Bunnycat101 · 19/09/2023 20:17

It’s really unfair to add a younger sibling into the mix for a party like that which is more of a massive play date really where the kids will just want to crack on. So yes she is being CF because she’s essentially expecting you to provide childcare.

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