Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

[MadameameBeans]

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

Lesson is always have a couple of spare party bags / food as someone always does this. I wouldn’t dare. I had an apology one year from a mum who sent her husband and couldn’t believe he just assumed she was invited and 2 people had to share a chair to accommodate her!

Lack of gift wouldn’t bother me

Yeah, it's pretty annoying. I remember a friend at school (years ago - I am middle aged) whose mum would do this with her younger brother. Once we got a bit older it was easier to say that the party mum had only booked 8 tickets or that it was a girls' party.

A friend whose children are a decade older said that there was a dad at her children's school who would turn up with all five of his children and merrily wave them into her house and run away before she could object. It became a bit of a joke (and she stopped doing at-home class parties).

Those saying it's ok for her to not bring a present as she may be unable to afford one. Well maybe the OP cannot afford to cater for extra kids and party bags

Yes we established on page 1 that I'm too shy/nervous/a pushover and scared of confrontation, to even consider that as an option, even if it is the "right" thing to do!

It is indeed very easy to type that. Not easy for everyone to actually say at an already stressful party in front of a child. The CF is at fault not the OP.

Oh that’s bad 😳 You can’t show up and expect free childcare for uninvited children, I think it’s even worse that it was at your house and not in a venue. I would have 100% said it was fine too though because I would never make a scene in that scenario but inside I’d be raging! I think there’s a difference if it’s a party parents have to stay and it’s a young baby/toddler that’s the younger sibling as they might not have been able to get childcare and parent keeps them with them and doesn’t expect food/party bag etc.
My sister took my little one to a party as she doesn’t have kids but is close to the parent. I was mortified when she came back and said he hadn’t got a party bag as the mum didn’t know he was coming (he was invited) 😳 I thought why on earth didn’t you message her?!

It only bothered me as it was another example of her being cheeky on top of the main cheekiness in self-inviting a second kid. I'd never start a thread "I hosted a party and can you believe it, one of the kids didn't bring a present" because honestly it doesnt matter.

One child in DD's class got uninvited because her CF mother kept turning up with the child's older brother.... And later turned up with her toddler as well

CF at its finest

Similar thing happened to my my sister and BIL, my neice and nephew's birthdays only fall a couple of days apart so she used to hold 'joint' parties for them, this was a few years ago when they were living in France, the parents all started to arrive to drop off the children and each of the parents would come in and shake hands with my sister and BIL before handing each child over, my sister noticed one particular man leaving his little boy at the front door then edging away, she asked both my niece and nephew who the little boy was and neither of them knew, my sister followed the man who was now beating a hasty retreat to his car, introduced herself and asked for the name of his little boy, he explained that although his son was not in the same class at school and hadn't been invited, he and his wife had been invited to an event at short notice so he 'assumed' it would be ok to leave him at the party and collect him later, my sister explained that they weren't there to provide free childcare and sent him packing.

yes it is rude and i can't stand rudeness - but the problem is, if you turn away kids in this situation it's often the child who gets upset, when it's the parent you are cross with.
For what it's worth, the only ones who I've noticed doing this at our school tend to be the slightly socially awkward ones - ie they haven't differentiated between open parties we used to have (ie younger kids) and the smaller ones we doing now they are older. They don't seem to pick up on social cues that you don't want their extra kid there (this includes ones the parents are staying at, so they aren't just after free childcare)

It's annoying for sure, especially because you limited numbers for a very good reason! However you never know what is going on behind the scenes. It might have been the only way she could bring her child along. It obviously would have been nice if she asked before hand. Sometimes these kids parties do creep up and forgetting to arrange childcare for other siblings does happen. Especially if she's a single mum. Not really an excuse for no present. A fiver in a card is pretty good! Just be mindful you don't know her or her situation.

YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to say it was “Britishness” that stopped you saying sorry no you can’t drop and leave an uninvited younger sibling. That was the “lack of assertiveness” or “adultness”. To address the issues raised by pp (mysterious difficult social background or unknown issues), I probably would have given her the choice of staying and supervising her younger child or leaving with him.

Has this really never happened to so many people before. This is pretty much the norm at parties I've been to or held, especially if it's at a house or garden. Younger and older siblings joining in. What difference did it make to you in real terms?

We invited siblings to my ds5 birthday but specified please confirm for catering and seat purposes. Two turned up with an unexpected sibling and of course they were the rudest and worst behaved. Luckily I had extras but it meant a major reshuffle of the table and the uninvited ones complained about where they were sat and told me to move them. I ignored them (all sat round tables in a village hall with plenty of other kids, and their siblings so not left out etc.) My child is particularly shy so likes me to stay so I usually make myself helpful even though as a lone parent an hour off sounds blissful. People will be as cheeky as they can in some cases.

It was in the OP. She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

She could have dropped her invited child off and gone on her way;she was obviously angling for a few child free hours.

I had this with a soft play party but that was fine as they knew they had to pay for the extra children and that they hadn't been catered for, didn't expect a party bag etc were just there to play. I think the issue for me would be she asked if she could leave them both! Basically free childcare!

Yeah, this wouldn't have phased me tbh. For a hall or garden party the more the merrier.

She is a classic CF. Feel sorry for her DC though, he'll end up with no invites.

Next time, I would be prepared to breezily but bluntly say, 'Oh, leave 'invited child's name' and you and Uninvited child can come back for him at X o'clock.'

I wouldn't be too fussed about the card, though.

Not ideal but Not a big deal

One of my friends used to do parties on a tight budget and used to do a combo party bag and party food in a named box or bag (a bit like a McDonald's happy meal).

It ensured that those with restrictions, allergies and special diets got the right food and as a sort of side-effect, she wasn't catering for random children who turned up uninvited on the day.

I'd say YWBU to not say "no need to stay, you and 5yo can come back in a couple of hours to collect son's friend". But you've acknowledged that. Time to let it go.

But yep, agree with pp next party you need to be clear about no siblings on the invitation. And I probably wouldn't send a present to his party either but I'm a petty old cow!

I worked as a children’s party planner for many years, had my own party planning company. Plus I’ve done my own children’s parties for 11 years now. Honestly the CFuckery around children’s parties still astounds me - people still find new ways to make my jaw drop! As the years have gone on I have had to drastically increase my backbone and say an outright “No I’m sorry I have planned everything around the number of children that were invited. You are welcome to leave your invited child but unfortunately their sibling is not able to stay.”