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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 19/09/2023 16:02

I think she was rude to presume, but when it's a party in the garden one more doesn't really hurt.

This has happened many times with at my children's parties, but unless it's a pay-per-head party I don't mind.

But then I'm a feeder. I over prepare and let all the kids stock up when they leave.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:02

"Try to laugh it away as it's done now. Better to turn it into a joke to tell than something to be frustrated over."

The 10 million dollar question is if DS ever gets a reciprocal invite to this kid's party, do we not take a gift? or would that be petty!

(Maybe we should take a sibling along? but then our eldest is 14 and might not enjoy the party! haha)

It is funny now in a way, but only because of the bare-faced cheek of it!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/09/2023 16:04

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:00

"Spot the CF turning up with the extra kid!

She doesn't need to chill, she needs to be firmer."

Yeah, I know I should be. Part of the fact I'm so annoyed is because I feel like I'm a pushover sometimes and too shy to make a fuss until after the person is out of earshot. And I couldn't bring myself to say "sorry kid, no bouncy castle for you!"

She was still a massively CF though, regardless, IMO.

You being a pushover and the mother being a CF doesn't make it fair to exclude the older kid from future parties.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 19/09/2023 16:05

The MNetters telling you off for not telling her no would’ve been hounding you for not #beingkind if you had said no, worry not.

I work with someone who does this sort of thing with her kids - she has 4 and whenever one gets a party invite, she dumps the other 3 and runs. She likes to boast about it and says it’s her “due” as she never gets a break because her husband couldn’t give a toss about looking after them. So many cheeky people walk amongst us.

Boomboom22 · 19/09/2023 16:06

It is shocking and to then leave the younger one to be looked after by you makes it so so much worse. Def avoid her from now on.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 19/09/2023 16:06

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:02

"Try to laugh it away as it's done now. Better to turn it into a joke to tell than something to be frustrated over."

The 10 million dollar question is if DS ever gets a reciprocal invite to this kid's party, do we not take a gift? or would that be petty!

(Maybe we should take a sibling along? but then our eldest is 14 and might not enjoy the party! haha)

It is funny now in a way, but only because of the bare-faced cheek of it!

Take your 14yo and his 14yo old size appetite and make sure he gets the best seat at the buffet!

LJ25 · 19/09/2023 16:07

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:02

"Try to laugh it away as it's done now. Better to turn it into a joke to tell than something to be frustrated over."

The 10 million dollar question is if DS ever gets a reciprocal invite to this kid's party, do we not take a gift? or would that be petty!

(Maybe we should take a sibling along? but then our eldest is 14 and might not enjoy the party! haha)

It is funny now in a way, but only because of the bare-faced cheek of it!

You seem pretty hung up on that gift

isthismylifenow · 19/09/2023 16:07

Are the family from a different culture OP?

If so, this is completely normal.

It is just how it is. We always cater a little bit extra and always have a few extra party packs for incase. If no one extra turns up, it will all get eaten and the extra party bag split between them.

I have only ever once said to a parent that I couldn't have the sibling to join in, as he was a toddler and we were having a pool party. I couldn't take that risk as the parents didn't stay.

MrsPinkSky · 19/09/2023 16:08

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:02

"Try to laugh it away as it's done now. Better to turn it into a joke to tell than something to be frustrated over."

The 10 million dollar question is if DS ever gets a reciprocal invite to this kid's party, do we not take a gift? or would that be petty!

(Maybe we should take a sibling along? but then our eldest is 14 and might not enjoy the party! haha)

It is funny now in a way, but only because of the bare-faced cheek of it!

The 10 million dollar question is if DS ever gets a reciprocal invite to this kid's party, do we not take a gift? or would that be petty!

Why is that even a question, let alone a 10 million dollar one?

None of what happened was the child's fault, so why would you drag them into it by not buying a present?

Bananaaa · 19/09/2023 16:10

It’s rude. If there’s a genuine reason they can ask beforehand. Once DH was working away and I had to bring my youngest along to a party with my eldest but I messaged the party mum in advance beforehand ask if I could bring him along and would keep him with me and not expect him to be involved in the party or have any food and she was absolutely fine with that and actually sorted some food out for him anyway and let him join in with the party games. I can’t think of any reason someone would turn up with extra kids and expect them to be included apart from being a cheeky fucker.

DiddyHeck · 19/09/2023 16:10

isthismylifenow · 19/09/2023 16:07

Are the family from a different culture OP?

If so, this is completely normal.

It is just how it is. We always cater a little bit extra and always have a few extra party packs for incase. If no one extra turns up, it will all get eaten and the extra party bag split between them.

I have only ever once said to a parent that I couldn't have the sibling to join in, as he was a toddler and we were having a pool party. I couldn't take that risk as the parents didn't stay.

Are the family from a different culture OP?

If so, this is completely normal.

This makes no sense without naming the culture it's 'completely normal' in?

Besides, why wouldn't a parent do whatever the cultural norm is of the family who invited them to their party?

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:10

"It is shocking and to then leave the younger one to be looked after by you makes it so so much worse. Def avoid her from now on."

She did stay in the end so it wasn't as bad as leaving them, but mainly because I said "well you had better stay and look after the younger one" (8 year olds on a bouncy castle can be really manic!)

"You being a pushover and the mother being a CF doesn't make it fair to exclude the older kid from future parties."

True, but if a mum is taking advantage like that then I'd rather avoid the conflict next time. If DS still wants him there then I'll just make it very clear on the invite next time (Have never needed to before!)

"Take your 14yo and his 14yo old size appetite and make sure he gets the best seat at the buffet!"

Haha, he's taller than me now and eats like a horse, so that would be too cruel!

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 19/09/2023 16:12

A party at home is one thing, we invited kids to a party last year at a venue where we paid for each kid and a mum asked to bring another child which I thought was very rude.

GreyTS · 19/09/2023 16:12

Circumferences · 19/09/2023 15:51

Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️

What's with the passive aggressive little emoji? Is it supposed to offset the rude little message that proceeds it? No the OP doesn't need to chill, her behaviour was maddeningly rude, can't bear cheap, rude people

AliOlis · 19/09/2023 16:13

isthismylifenow · 19/09/2023 16:07

Are the family from a different culture OP?

If so, this is completely normal.

It is just how it is. We always cater a little bit extra and always have a few extra party packs for incase. If no one extra turns up, it will all get eaten and the extra party bag split between them.

I have only ever once said to a parent that I couldn't have the sibling to join in, as he was a toddler and we were having a pool party. I couldn't take that risk as the parents didn't stay.

It is not completely normal, it's as cheeky as bedamned and you know it.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:15

"Are the family from a different culture OP?"

No, we are white british and so were they as far as I know. (Not that that would make a difference to us) We've had a lot of non-white british and non-white non-british kids at their parties over the years and have never encountered anything other than "dropping the kid off with a small gift and a card and pick them up at 4".

Which I guess is why I was surprised, because it sounds like this happens to other people a lot but it's never been our experience.

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 19/09/2023 16:15

It was pretty normal, years ago. I always had extra goodie bags there, and plenty of food.

I would chill - it's pretty normal.😉

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/09/2023 16:16

mainly because I said "well you had better stay and look after the younger one"

This is probably where i would have landed tbh. I wouldn’t have let her get away with a child free afternoon!

She was obviously very rude to assume the brother could “tag alone”, and to just state it without it even being a question.

I’d like to have been able to say “no, that ain’t happening” but in reality might have taken pity on the 5 yo who had been told he could stay.

Expecting a party bag is something else though - why did she think you’d magically have extra?

MariePaperRoses · 19/09/2023 16:16

So what if she made a scene! She was rude!

You should have said you can leave x child but you haven't invited siblings so the younger child can't stay.

Jk987 · 19/09/2023 16:16

Circumferences · 19/09/2023 15:51

Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️

Me too. And to place importance on a gift is a bad message

hellywelly3 · 19/09/2023 16:17

She was rude to bring extra child and ask to leave them both. But not rude regarding no gift as that could be financial reasons.

AliOlis · 19/09/2023 16:18

Zebedee55 · 19/09/2023 16:15

It was pretty normal, years ago. I always had extra goodie bags there, and plenty of food.

I would chill - it's pretty normal.😉

Only if you're a mannerless oik with no grasp of social expectations 🤷🏻‍♀️
If your name is not on the invitation; you're not invited.

Olika · 19/09/2023 16:20

Well done for saying what you did about party bags! Tbh I would have already said something when she showed up with her extra kids.

MintJulia · 19/09/2023 16:21

It was rude, she should have asked first, but it's not that uncommon. And you never know what their home circumstances are.

I always packed a couple of extra party bags just in case. And cake for 14 is much the same as cake for 13.

As for the present, I've taught my ds you invite people because you like their company, not for what you can get. The child was well behaved so I wouldn't really worry too much. The more the merrier in our house.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:21

"You seem pretty hung up on that gift"

If it were a kid whose family were struggling and didn't have the money then it wouldn't be an issue. and our kids get plenty of toys. and I wouldn't want someone to feel they had to decline an invite because of the cost of a gift. I mentioned the gift again only because it was the icing on the cake. To bring a second child along and then not even give the birthday kid a gift (not expecting two gifts!) seems extremely rude.

In all the parties our kids have had it's never happened before (sometimes you get a card with a fiver in it because the parent didn't have time to buy something, which is fair enough) and we've never sent our kids to a party without something. And I'm not saying "can you believe it, they only bought my son a PS4 and he wanted a PS5!!!" I'm talking about a little £5 lego set or a bar of chocolate or whatever as a token gift.

Like I say, I already explained to DS that some people can't afford gifts and we should still be kind to them. I personally don't think that kindness applies to CFs though.

OP posts: