Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

[MadameameBeans]

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

Yes it is out of order to just expect, why wouldn’t she just take the younger one away with her but I wouldn’t judge on the present as not everyone has spare cash for things like that

Think you have misunderstood.

90% of 2020 people said she was not being unreasonable.

So not so hilarious.

Come on. There is never going to be the case that all attendees will bring a sibling.

If you are so worried about safety - best go to a party venue where numbers are strictly monitored and extras aren't admitted - no pay no go.

I am bemused by the control around children's parties. Strictly enforced numbers in yout back garden.

Truly, who cares. Let them play. Have you forgotten being a child. Not everybody is out to get you, some of us take a more relaxed view.

There is a way to prevent this from happening. You could write - NO SIBLINGS on future invites.

Sweet love of God. Did you really mention the dynamic of a back yard party for an 8 year old.

Listen to yourself. Crackers!!

Well no. Not everyone will, because most people have better manners. But taking a relaxed view isn't the best idea with unlimited numbers of 6 year olds on a bouncy castle.

It's the entitlement that's irritating, I think. The OP's boy didn't ask all the class, so had to make choices, then some woman decides to overrule that by imposing her child - the boy could have invited another classmate instead.

I just don't get the entitlement slant - it's just a little boy in a backyard playing with other children.

Clearly there are two camps.

I would have probably invited him to stay, as well as any other siblings who showed up. Instead of getting upset about health and safety, I would just monitor the bouncy castle and intervene if things were getting a bit rough.

My three children had about 30 parties between them and we never had an accident or any sort of issue and we always had an open house style party when they were held at home, hall, park.

Maybe us Aussies are weird.

Op the women could that day have saved kittens, baked a cake for a little old lonely neighbour, foiled a bank robbery, had life saving surgery and swam over a river with both boys hanging on to her back to get to your birthday. What a blessing for your child and shame on you. You are very unreasonable indeed.

You say you don’t know this lady perhaps she didn’t know the area as well as you & didn’t know there was a park nearby that she could have taken younger child too; as to not giving a gift has it not occurred to you that maybe moneys very tight for her; she wouldn’t be the first or last parent who’s not been able to buy party gifts; maybe think outside the box before jumping on mumsnet to slate the poor woman; she’d probably be mortified it’s all over mumsnet.

She’s probably got no money. I’ve seen people like this before. They’re broke and will push the boundaries sometimes to get freebies. Just put it behind you.

Not rude - one extra kid at a party! Who cares. Can’t they just join in?

Well no, because the birthday boy could have invited more friends but was limited to 13 kids and then there were 14. He probably would have preferred another one of his friends there. He probably didn't want a young child he didn't know at his party when he couldn't have another boy from his class. The OP didn't want to look after a young child at the same time as hosting a party.

His mother didn't even stay so there was no need for the uninvited child to be there. It was rude and weird and worse than a parent staying at a young child's party with a younger sibling in tow as they don't have anyone else to look after them.

So rude! We did whole class parties in our garden throughout primary, and for those Mums with slightly younger siblings that we all knew, I'd invite them too (as an aside, so they didn't feel obliged to bring additional presents or anything) and it always worked well. E.g. 30 8 year olds and three or four younger ones. Some stayed depending on the age - but if you agree in advance you can plan food and do extra party bags. (Or say no, if there are reasons why that's not doable e.g. age of siblings, space available etc).

I can't remember if it started with one or two parents asking beforehand - quite likely. But no-one would turn up without asking before, and suggest they might be able to leave their little one! That's totally CF territory. She was hoping you would say 'yes leave the LO and I as a total stranger will look after him' so she could go off for a couple of childfree hours! WTAF?

Glad you made the point by not having a party bag, and not scrabbling around trying to make it OK. The older sibling was probably mortified. YADNBU!

I think you're being unfair. Who knows what else was going on for them that day. Seems to me she would have asked if it was a planned thing. Just be kind. Next time you'll be clearer with that parent what you expect. Besides you didn't give the younger sibling anything - so no loss to you if thats what you're concerned about. And you definitely shouldn't be punishing the 8 year old friend by not inviting him again. He has no control over the situation and might possibly often be in similarly chaotic situations through no fault of their own.

Someone said it's normal for people from other cultures to bring their kids along and I back this up. In Greece when you have a kids birthday party at a soft play or a garden, usually all the siblings of similar ages tag along and parents stay to look after their kids too. You don't need to have extra goody bags but you offer food/ drinks to everyone.

If you really don't want extra kids/ parents at the party you just explicitly say so on the invitation.

For me the big trigger is not that she brought her second kid at the party, but that she thought she could leave and have free childcare for both?! That's something I wouldn't accept, I would say something like "yes he's welcome to stay and play as well as you - the more eyes/parents the better for their safety".

I understand that's very annoying for you, but the good thing is that it's already done and you would know better how to face a similar situation in a future party!

What I would really like to ask though is it normal to just invite just half of the class to the party? Isn't this very rude and unfair for the other kids in the class to be excluded? Was it like an all boys party that only boys were invited or just the son picked his classmates that he hangs up more with? I am asking out of curiosity and interest to learn more about the British etiquette as I find it a bit sad for the other kids.

Calm down love,

My youngest is in Year 3 and almost all of the parents still stay at parties. A large proportion of them bring along younger siblings too, although they do mention this ahead of time in the class whatsapp group. I, personally, wouldn't have been bothered and would've happily gave the other kid a party bag/party food providing I had spares and there was enough to go round.
Some of the attitudes on here come across as mean spirited, but then I've always had the mindset of 'more the merrier'...

And you would definitely be spiteful and petty to not get the child a present if this mam has a party for her kid in future. None of what happened is his fault.

Amazing cheek on the mother's part, and I can fully understand your reaction. I think you rose to the occasion superbly, since it obviously wasn't the child's fault. If you're a polite person, it's very hard, especially when you've been caught on the back foot, to rebuff that kind of bare-faced approach. It's the kind of situation where all the best reactions and responses come to mind afterwards. Sounds as though you may need to make a specific proviso about 'invited children only' on future invitations

it's not rude or sad at all. At 8 years old, you tend to have a group of friends that you hang out with.

I don't understand why people think "the more the merrier" at kids parties. Especially ones where the parents don't stay because then you're just expecting maybe two or three adults to supervise 20+ kids!

Nobody would expect someone to have to invite all their colleagues to a party if they only wanted colleagues they actually like there. Nobody would take their husband along to a girls day out. So why do we expect children to go along with it.

I suspect the "the more the merrier" people also don't have children with any SEN or just introverted children. Kids should get to have the birthday party that they want, not one with kids there that they don't want there for whatever reason.

Not unreasonable to be a bit annoyed but also so people are really getting their knickers in a twist over one additional child…

It can sometimes be really hard for mums to get someone else to watch a younger child whilst they go to a party. I looked after my niece last week because her sister had a party and my dsis couldn't take her and her DH was busy. If I hadn't been around, she'd have had no choice.

Surely she had the choice of not going to the party, or getting her DH to not be busy? People's childcare problems aren't the problem of the birthday child.

Hence why she sorted it out. If it was a paid activity, she'd have paid for her younger child I'm sure. Paid activities are a different issue though. Round here, a party at home or in a hall, no one would blink at a younger sibling tagging along

FFS she asked if you wanted them to go and leave eldest. You had an opportunity and you his behind being soooo mortified.

She wanted to go and leave both.

This.
Easy to be rude about this woman being rude but we all would have done the same.

Did he or his mother really expect a party bag or did OP just feel embarrassed that she didn’t have one spare?

I think times are hard and we are too quick to judge. We’ve not walked in others shoes.