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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
username5619 · 19/09/2023 16:21

^ [The mum] did stay in the end so it wasn't as bad as leaving them, but mainly because I said "well you had better stay and look after the younger one" (8 year olds on a bouncy castle can be really manic!)^

I feel like there's key info there that should have been mentioned earlier, not 40 posts later.

It was a garden party. You've invited 15, but had less kids + extra little one (who's mum stayed to watch him and he wasn't given a party bag).

LifesShortTalkFast · 19/09/2023 16:23

The 10 million dollar question is if DS ever gets a reciprocal invite to this kid's party, do we not take a gift? or would that be petty!

Of course it would be petty. She absolutely should have brought at least a token gift for your child, but I'm sure he got plenty of gifts and making a fuss about no gift is silly. The whole "we wouldn't want them to go without food" explanation was over-the-top. How likely is it that your child repeats some of that to other kids? How embarrassed will her child be because of that?

Her lack of manners and rudeness is not a free pass for you to be petty.

MrsPinkSky · 19/09/2023 16:23

Zebedee55 · 19/09/2023 16:15

It was pretty normal, years ago. I always had extra goodie bags there, and plenty of food.

I would chill - it's pretty normal.😉

I'm in my mid 50s with 3 adult DC and it was never normal.

At the most you might ask the parent in advance if you were stuck for childcare, but no way was it 'normal' to just turn up with another kid in tow.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:24

If it turned out that she brought both kids along because they hadn't eaten that day, then of course I take it all back and the more the merrier and I'd be glad I could make their day a little better.

I'm thinking that her being a CF is more likely though...

So it's not the feeding another kid and letting them have fun I object to, it's the cheekiness of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:26

"I feel like there's key info there that should have been mentioned earlier, not 40 posts later."

I mean I literally said that in the third paragraph of the original post. I said that she offered to either go and leave both kids there, or stay and look after the younger one, and she ended up staying (because I was too shy to make a fuss) so I'm not sure what "key" info you think I was hiding?

(she didn't do anything to look after the younger one, just sat on the outdoor sofa yacking away to the other mum that stayed.)

OP posts:
LJ25 · 19/09/2023 16:31

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:21

"You seem pretty hung up on that gift"

If it were a kid whose family were struggling and didn't have the money then it wouldn't be an issue. and our kids get plenty of toys. and I wouldn't want someone to feel they had to decline an invite because of the cost of a gift. I mentioned the gift again only because it was the icing on the cake. To bring a second child along and then not even give the birthday kid a gift (not expecting two gifts!) seems extremely rude.

In all the parties our kids have had it's never happened before (sometimes you get a card with a fiver in it because the parent didn't have time to buy something, which is fair enough) and we've never sent our kids to a party without something. And I'm not saying "can you believe it, they only bought my son a PS4 and he wanted a PS5!!!" I'm talking about a little £5 lego set or a bar of chocolate or whatever as a token gift.

Like I say, I already explained to DS that some people can't afford gifts and we should still be kind to them. I personally don't think that kindness applies to CFs though.

What matters is that your child had a good day with their friends. Not who bought gifts and who didn't. You are placing so much importance on the gift and making snide comments about the car she drives and the fact she didn't buy a gift because of the repayments. You are sending the wrong message to your children by acting that way. Yes she pissed you off by bringing the extra child but you do need to relax a bit, what's done is done and in the grand scheme of things it is not really a big deal. Again, what matters is that your child enjoyed their birthday with their friends.

LifesShortTalkFast · 19/09/2023 16:33

Regarding the gift - I did explain to DS that some people don't have any money to spare and so it's ok if they can't afford a gift, because we wouldn't want them to go without food or something just to give a present

This seems unnecessary. How about "Not everyone brings a gift. The important thing is that they came to celebrate your birthday with you".

Your son is only 8. It would be so embarrassing for this woman's child if your son repeats any of that.

CattingAbout · 19/09/2023 16:34

Turning up with an extra child is a bit🙄- worse if it's a soft play or other pay-per-head option but this wasn't.

Attempting to drop an uninvited child and run is😮CFery though.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:34

"How likely is it that your child repeats some of that to other kids?"

Zero. In fact I told him specifically that people have different circumstances so that he wouldn't go into school and say "thank you X for my game, thank you Y for my book, Z didn't get me anything"

He's not going to repeat it to other kids, it was just a general discussion about gifts and how we shouldn't expect them, and how different people can afford different things and that there are many reasons for not bringing a gift. Money, no time to go to the shops, not knowing what you might like" etc

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 19/09/2023 16:38

She sounds like a complete CF.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:40

"Well done for saying what you did about party bags! Tbh I would have already said something when she showed up with her extra kids."

We literally had no spare party bags as I'd got the right amount of everything to put in them. If we'd had spares I would have rolled over and given them a party bag! Even though that would encourage the mum to try it again. I'll be braver next time. Or maybe just spell it out on the invites! (It's never happened before!)

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 19/09/2023 16:41

I've had this twice. The first time I had to pay for the extra child, the second time the parents had the decency to pay for the extra child.

It's just so rude

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:46

"You are sending the wrong message to your children by acting that way"

You know that my kids aren't on mumsnet, right?
I've only discussed the gift with them in the context of DS saying "Oh, X didn't get me a gift, just a card" and then me explaining that there are many reasons why that might be the case, from money, to time, to not knowing what to get, and that he got lots of presents anyway, and it doesn't matter."

My ranting at the rudeness is limited to this forum, not the real world.
I don't give a crap about the actual gift (half the time I end up having to swap them for something else and then regift them because who really needs six copies of Hungry Hungry Hippos!), its the rudeness that I was venting about, and rest assured I would only do that to let off steam on here, not in front of the kids.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 19/09/2023 16:46

I already explained to DS that some people can't afford gifts and we should still be kind to them

I'm speechless at this.

I am just happy my DC had parties just for the enjoyment of having other children there, including some they may not have known all that well.

Beamur · 19/09/2023 16:51

Presents matter to some kids - not because they're greedy little monsters, but because they're kids and birthdays only happen once a year! It's fair enough to try and explain the lack of gift if the child has noticed.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:53

"I'm speechless at this.

I am just happy my DC had parties just for the enjoyment of having other children there, including some they may not have known all that well."

So if your kid asks a question like "why did everyone get me a present apart from X" how do you reply? Just ignore them? Because I like to talk to my kids and present different viewpoints and have a proper chat to them about things they ask me.

and that chat in this case ranged from "they might not have spare money for gifts, so don't make a fuss about presents", "presents arent the main part of a party", "they might not have time to look for gifts if they work a lot", "they might not give gifts in other cultures for birthdays".

He wasn't even bothered, he was just curious about why it was. Heaven forbid I should engage with his curiosity by talking about it and both him and me thinking up reasons why that might be (I didn't say "because his mum is a CF")

OP posts:
Comedycook · 19/09/2023 16:54

Bit cheeky but one extra kid at a house party is hardly the end of the world. I'd have told her it's ok but she'll have to stay to keep an eye on him.

This happens all the time.. unless it's a paid for activity, I can't get worked up over it.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:55

"This happens all the time.. unless it's a paid for activity, I can't get worked up over it."

Yeah, it's never happened to us ever before, that was the issue. I wasn't prepared for it.

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 19/09/2023 16:55

I'd have probably handled it the same OP. When are put on the spot it's awkward. Now at least you know what she is like so you can prepare for her CF behaviour if you have a party again . I find there is always one family like that in every class.

Comedycook · 19/09/2023 16:56

So if your kid asks a question like "why did everyone get me a present apart from X" how do you reply?

You say... everyone's lives are different. They may be very busy or not have much spare money at the moment...but it was very nice of them to get you a card anyway and we didn't invite people just so we could presents.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 19/09/2023 16:56

This is really interesting to me - in DS1's year it has become the norm to invite any siblings no matter the size of the party, which I was surprised at. This is so usual that when one parent specified that her son only wanted invitees to attend so there were no 'little kids' another parent found it very rude 🤣

Definitely let the present thing go though - I've had kids turn up to parties with no present or gift and although I'm very sure their parents could afford it I also knew they had a hell of a lot going on and had done well to get their kid to the party. The kids having fun is all that matters, not a 15th present.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:56

"I find there is always one family like that in every class."

I think we did well to avoid that with our eldest. From the comments on here it sounds like we were just lucky until now!

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/09/2023 16:57

I have had this happen to me numerous times and, while I would never do it myself, I always do my best to include the extra child as best I can. I figure I really don't know the other person's situation and if I can easily put and extra chair at the table then that's the nicest thing to do. I did have one single Dad bring an older sibling along to a trampolining party
After a bit of chat it became clear that this was his weekend to have those kids and he'd had to travel quite a way because he wasn't local and it wasn't practical to leave the eldest at home and then go back for them since it was handover day and he had to take them back to their mum's near our house. He paid for the sibling to do trampolining and, once I'd found out the situation, I phoned my husband and asked him to squeeze an extra chair round the table back home so that we could include him in the tea. The dad was so grateful. So, while some may be CF, my instinct is to just include them if I can because I don't know the situation. I'd rather be taken advantage of by loads of CFs than make a difficult situation more difficult for someone. I appreciate it's not easy for everyone though, it does depend on the party and catering situation.

Original poster
MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 16:58

"in DS1's year it has become the norm to invite any siblings no matter the size of the party, which I was surprised at."

Jeez. Our garden isn't massive, there was room for the bouncy castle and that was about it! Hence limiting the numbers to begin with! We once invited a sibling because they were twins, but after that one time the parents said "it's ok, you dont have to invite the other one every time because there are two classes and two lots of parties, so they both go to plenty!"

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 19/09/2023 16:58

"She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed."

@MadameameBeans this is where some assertiveness training could be put to good use. The "correct" response would be "Oh, I wasn't anticipating any extras I'm afraid, but there's a fab park around the corner that you can take your younger one too then pop back at 2pm to pick Freddy up".