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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend comment on Russell Brand situation...Not sure how to respond

229 replies

Startingagainandagain · 19/09/2023 12:05

I was messaging a female friend this morning

I was a victim of an assault by a male so called friend last year, which she is aware of.

I mentioned in my message that some of what the victims are saying about Brand resonated so much with me.

In her response she said something in the line of ''well he took on the establishment and now they are trying to hang him''...

This really surprised me as I did not have her down for someone who would fall for that type of nonsense and I am not quite sure how to respond to her.

My view is that the man is a creep and I believe the victims 100% and I am going to struggle with staying friend with someone who would put any weight on conspiracy theories. As someone who has encountered this type of predators, I feel strongly about it all.

Do you think I am unreasonable to think this might be reason enough to distance myself?

This is someone who I have known for a year only, rather than a close, long term friend.

AIBU to cool the friendship over this and let it drift?

OP posts:
lemmein · 19/09/2023 12:13

Both can be true.

He can be both a predator and a problematic gobshite with millions of followers.

I absolutely believe those women; I also believe if RB was just still telling 'jokes' and not poking his nose into the grubbiness of world affairs we wouldn't know the women's stories.

Janieforever · 19/09/2023 14:02

I agree and lots of folks seem to think it’s one or the other. Yes they can be trying to hang him. But for crimes he committed. So both can be true,

MaryMcCarthy · 19/09/2023 14:04

lemmein · 19/09/2023 12:13

Both can be true.

He can be both a predator and a problematic gobshite with millions of followers.

I absolutely believe those women; I also believe if RB was just still telling 'jokes' and not poking his nose into the grubbiness of world affairs we wouldn't know the women's stories.

We already knew some of the stories, because they've been spoken on the comedy circuit for years. Brand has been labelled a rapist in front of audiences for years. Ask anyone who attends circuit comedy shows. It finally got too big for the media to ignore.

xILikeJamx · 19/09/2023 14:04

He's spent years using his massive power, influence and finances to litigate people into submission. He is the establishment

Begsthequestion · 19/09/2023 14:04

I wouldn't blame you. I have no time for rape apologists or conspiracy theorists myself.

Bananaanaana · 19/09/2023 14:12

Personally I don’t cut off friends based on their beliefs or opinions, unless they bang on and become boring. I judge people on their actions. I used to be more rash when I was younger but over time I’ve realised that people are complex and life is more interesting if the people around you don’t agree with everything you say.

MaryMcCarthy · 19/09/2023 14:13

Bananaanaana · 19/09/2023 14:12

Personally I don’t cut off friends based on their beliefs or opinions, unless they bang on and become boring. I judge people on their actions. I used to be more rash when I was younger but over time I’ve realised that people are complex and life is more interesting if the people around you don’t agree with everything you say.

Is engaging in conspiracy theory thinking not an action?

Is belittling and disbelieving an alleged rape victim also not an action?

pizzaHeart · 19/09/2023 14:19

it would depend on your friendship for me : how long, how problematic, was she supportive before. However this statement would be enough for me to think about distancing myself.
I would try to response calmly atm pointing on facts and see what she would say. My biggest problem is that you’ve mentioned your own experience and she hasn’t understood.

DynamicK · 19/09/2023 14:29

lemmein · 19/09/2023 12:13

Both can be true.

He can be both a predator and a problematic gobshite with millions of followers.

I absolutely believe those women; I also believe if RB was just still telling 'jokes' and not poking his nose into the grubbiness of world affairs we wouldn't know the women's stories.

The whole entertainment industry is seedy with abuse going on so I wouldn't be surprised if RB rumours are true.
Lots of people are protected by the lack of media reporting when it's pretty much an open secret. Every time something like this comes out, it comes out that everyone in the industry knew already.

RB seems to have stepped away from all that and discusses quite a lot of world issues and brought lots of corporate corruption to light. I'm sure there are many who want him to stop discussing these matters.

KandieKaine · 19/09/2023 14:30

He hasn't been to court or convicted. Seems like a witch hunt to me . That's not to say I think any of the women involved are lying. I just think it needs to go down the legal route before he is cancelled . That's only fair and just . I'm just coming from the point of view that someone could write something about me , an ordinary bod on social media , my employer sees it and goodbye that my job gone .

Begsthequestion · 19/09/2023 14:37

KandieKaine · 19/09/2023 14:30

He hasn't been to court or convicted. Seems like a witch hunt to me . That's not to say I think any of the women involved are lying. I just think it needs to go down the legal route before he is cancelled . That's only fair and just . I'm just coming from the point of view that someone could write something about me , an ordinary bod on social media , my employer sees it and goodbye that my job gone .

"someone could write something about me"...it was a four year investigation by reputable investigative journalists, which was scrutinised by their legal departments before release.

You did know that, right?

pollo8 · 19/09/2023 14:38

I think he has made some really good points about 'the establishment' – and I also think it is highly likely he is a vile rapist and a predator. Both things can be true.

But OP, your point is about whether you can be friends with someone you disagree with. Hmmm. Can't say I'm a fan of ditching people just because their views don't align perfectly with mine. Maybe some of your favourite people have private views you wouldn't like – or they wouldn't like yours. Maybe this is a dealbreaker for you, but that's your call.

MaryMcCarthy · 19/09/2023 14:39

KandieKaine · 19/09/2023 14:30

He hasn't been to court or convicted. Seems like a witch hunt to me . That's not to say I think any of the women involved are lying. I just think it needs to go down the legal route before he is cancelled . That's only fair and just . I'm just coming from the point of view that someone could write something about me , an ordinary bod on social media , my employer sees it and goodbye that my job gone .

Before he is cancelled from what?

whynotwhatknot · 19/09/2023 14:46

why is noone saying the same about weinstein-people went to the media before it became a police matter

why does it have to be well its because hes anti establishment-this has been going on for years its got nothing to do with it

FeigningConcern · 19/09/2023 14:47

Bananaanaana · 19/09/2023 14:12

Personally I don’t cut off friends based on their beliefs or opinions, unless they bang on and become boring. I judge people on their actions. I used to be more rash when I was younger but over time I’ve realised that people are complex and life is more interesting if the people around you don’t agree with everything you say.

This.

Cutting a (presumably) good friend off because of difference of opinion is ridiculous imo. She may change her opinion over coming weeks or you may be able to get her to see another point of view. Or she may continue to hold a different view but that's people and her prerogative.

I have a friend who believes in conspiracy theories. She doesn't bang on about them but when she brings them up I give her an alternative viewpoint. If everyone cut her off that didn't agree with her she'd end up in an echo chamber.

Having friends that only ever agree with you leads to similar and the issues we have currently with entrenched views and people being completely unable to countenance differing viewpoints. Whatever happened to passionate debate amongst friends!

pickledandpuzzled · 19/09/2023 15:09

"I'm very upset by the distressing stories of abuse in the news right now. I couldn't care less about his politics or theories. I'm struggling to hear all the abuse women suffer, knowing as I do how common yet still unexpected it is."

Honestly I would cut her off if she's as unconcerned about your feelings as she sounds- but her response to the above will clarify it.

Bananaanaana · 19/09/2023 15:12

@MaryMcCarthy No, these things are not actions! They are thoughts or opinions.

Namechangedtoanswerthisone · 19/09/2023 15:17

Rape apologists are everywhere including friends as you have found out. Your friend doesn't understand and because she has heard the 'he's famous and so he is being silenced etc narrative' she is following along with that without actually considering how hard it is for a woman to actually speak up about rape or sexual assault. especially when idiots and vile people assume they are lying.

Restinggoddess · 19/09/2023 15:19

Something similar - female family member posted something about how she hadn't seen him in anything for ages but remembered he was a bit if a laugh - and wondered what all the fuss was. She added that the establishment want to take him down ( as with PP he is the establishment- and frankly I think most of the establishment have enough to do without having to take someone down)

So we politely asked if she had read anything or watched the programme- this was followed by comments about 'why now?'
So we mentioned abuse if power and the voice of women
She watched the programme...... and deleted her post

Personally I think however much I want to give some people a shake I have to remember they live in a world where they are ignorant of DV stats or rape stats or have never experienced/ recognised misogyny
Let's face it lots of females spout some misogyny because it's become so mainstream ( yesterday I heard a girl ask a boy ' so is your mum a whore then?')

Gently question your friend and she may come to the realisation that this chap may not be on the scale of JS but there are similarities- he told us who he was 20 years ago and he was even given more opportunities to continue ( God forbid the tv world actually say no to ' the talent')

If however she does dig her heels in you may have to review the friendship- or agree never to mention it again

I think the growing list of people speaking up and resurfaced interviews ( Bob Geldof, Rod Stewart, Dani Minogue) - your friend will either re think or dig deeper into the conspiracy theories

Pinkdelight3 · 19/09/2023 15:23

I've had a very similar exchange with an old friend today, but in our case it's she whose been assaulted in the past yet she still sides with him over the women, says he's in recovery, hasn't been arrested, is being punished for speaking truth to power etc. I said the same as you, that I 100% believed the women, and now I'm backing away. She's been going down the conspiracy rabbithole in recent years but we've managed to avoid talking about it so as not to fall out. I'm not falling out with her now, but I'm not going to condone that shit. It won't stop her believing it, but it's not something I can overlook.

Changeditforyou · 19/09/2023 15:24

I think differing opinions are fine but there are certain issues that can be deal breakers. For me this would be one.

Ilinaya · 19/09/2023 15:28

No I wouldn't cut someone off for having a different opinion to me. Do you want to live in some kind of yes world where everyone agrees with everything you say and pandas to you?
I invite all kinds of opinions from friends and can't bear this society where if you don't agree with the mainstream view, you are considered a victim blamer, anti-feminist, rape apologist etc.
Open your mind, accept that people have different views and use it as an opportunity to debate them.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 19/09/2023 15:30

I walked away from an acquaintance yesterday for the same thing. Despite knowing I’d been a victim, she even implied that rape victims must have done something in a past life so therefore none of us can judge and that I should take the ‘higher’, spiritual perspective. The fact is this woman fancies him.

Anyway, I said ‘fuck that and you,’ and walked away.

moneyplantnation · 19/09/2023 15:36

@Startingagainandagain Quite simply he is a well known popular figure and people are blinded by his celebrity status and a lot still fancy him. If this had been some one unpopular like Matt Hancock or Boris Johnson no one would be defending him.

You can call it a media trial all you like but I fail to see how so many women can all be lying or exaggerating going on all his past comments and actions.

Id say dump your friend and let her live out her fantasy with the creep.

BringMeTea · 19/09/2023 15:37

Yeah I would cut this idiot loose OP. Thick AND unutterably insensitive. Byeeeeee.