Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

286 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
ilovemydogmore · 18/09/2023 15:10

Definitely not unreasonable, it's very little money compared to what he is actually costing you. Letting him just laze in bed doing minimal hours is really not doing him any favours - he wont suddenly decide to jump out of bed today and start being motivated. Tough love is needed, either contribute or get out!

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 18/09/2023 15:11

Absolutely enforce this. It will be the best thing for him. If he doesn’t pay then he will loose something like Wi-Fi or a food/drink only he likes being bought etc. you don’t want to end up with a 28yr old freeloading or you.

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 15:16

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Well then you must be in a very fortunate position.

I bet it costs more to keep the 18 year old MAN that it costs the OP to live.

He's got the use of his arms and legs and it's about time he used them to get a job,

You support your children till they're old enough to support themselves.

Beamur · 18/09/2023 15:16

I think your expectations and his are different. He's seeing his gap year as time off and money earned as his. Whilst also expecting you to find travel, etc.
A calm conversation to reframe expectations is needed. He needs to grow up a little.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:19

I absolutely don't! And it's hard for me to see him behaving like this, because I have always been so independent. He hasn't been brought up in an environment where hard work has been a nonexistent thing.

When he was younger my parents used to babysit while I worked; although I'm lucky to have had them, they never helped with discipline because they always went against everything I said. I feel this has encouraged a superiority complex and has often made my job even harder to combat. Every time I'm firm, he acts like he is a big victim of life and it really gets under my skin.

He makes me feel like I'm being completely unfair and over the top, whenever I ask anything of him. You're right, tough love May shake him up and make him realise just how lucky he's had it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 18/09/2023 15:19

He’s in for a nasty shock when he moves out, isn’t he?

What a CF quibbling over a 20 quid a week payment. Totally reasonable to request such a token amount towards bills.

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/09/2023 15:20

Can I come and live with you, for that amount 😁

Fidgety31 · 18/09/2023 15:20

Norhing is free so he should be paying - and more than that ! He wouldn’t get a room in a shared house for £20

my son lives at home and pays a lot more than your son . I am also a working single parent so can to afford to keep him for free !

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:21

@TheBarbieEffect I think it's awful to assume he hasn't been encouraged to do so. He is now an adult, who cannot physically be forced to do anything he chooses not to.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 18/09/2023 15:23

Op ignore the other poster. Sometimes you got to do, what you got to do.

LakeTiticaca · 18/09/2023 15:24

Change the WiFi password
Padlock the food cupboards and the fridge. Disable the heating in his room.
He'll get the message eventually

Gymmum82 · 18/09/2023 15:24

He pays you or moves out and pays market rent. It’s that simple. He sounds entitled and lazy. Time to nip that in the bud

IncompleteSenten · 18/09/2023 15:26

Tell him he's welcome to see if he can rent a flat and pay his bills and feed himself on less than £20 a week.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 18/09/2023 15:26

Well he can move out then can't he?

mbosnz · 18/09/2023 15:26

I think it's perfectly reasonable to require £20 a week to put towards his living costs. If he thinks he can get a better deal, elsewhere, I suggest he goes there.

The cost of living is through the roof, realistically for many people, they need those adults living in the household able to contribute to do so. It's also unwise, I feel, for those leaving school to think their parents continue to owe them a living. It's time for them to realise they do and will need to provide for themselves, and the standard of living they can expect is the one they themselves can afford.

As to him expecting you to fund his travel. Nope. He needs to earn sufficient to fund his travel.

Also, in line with realising he needs to pay his way, he needs to realise that as a grown up (I'm sure he thinks he's a grown up), he needs to contribute to the household, doing a fair share of household chores.

And again, if he thinks he can do better elsewhere, he's free to move there.

Ylvamoon · 18/09/2023 15:27

I would sit him down and have a chat about his plans and how he can achieve them.

Tell him in real terms what things cost and how that relates to your/ his income.

I would also make clear that either he works full time and pays rent or he has to look for somewhere else to live.

He can of course choose the travelling, but again its his responsibility to get the funds needed.

Honestly, it's time he learned about money, budgets and the costs of essentials. As a first step, take him food shopping.

MockneyReject · 18/09/2023 15:28

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

It's not his parent, charging him to live at home, though, is it?
It's the landlord/mortgage company, the LA, the electricity company, the water company, the internet company, the supermarket that require money in return for the goods and see services he wants.

Why should the OP work to pay his way, while he lazes around at home?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 18/09/2023 15:28

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Isn't that nice for you. You must never have been in a position to actually need the adults living in your home to contribute to their own keep.

You seem to post like this repeatedly so I am sure the disbelieving responses you will get won't surprise you!

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:28

Thank you all. He's made me feel so crap for this. I really need him to understand life doesn't come for free, but that will have to be a lesson he learns reluctantly it seems.

Thank you once again.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 18/09/2023 15:30

well unless you’re loaded expecting a contribution to the household pot is not at all unreasonable. The amount OP is asking is really reasonable.

You need to sit down clearly tell him your expectations, cooking, cleaning and financial contribution. And if he’s very unhappy he can find alternative living arrangements.

and I wouldn’t be paying anything towards a gap year travelling. Definitely not if I was barely scraping by myself. I used to work with a very wealthy colleague who’s son went on a travelling gap year, she paid for an activity he did on the gap year as his birthday present. For the rest he saved himself by working.

I certainly wouldn’t be doing anything for an adult offspring who thought I should be the household skivvy.

Mrsjayy · 18/09/2023 15:33

I had one who tried that nonsense, they were making good money but were bleating it was their family home blah blah. I asked for a contribution for gas and electric when the bils came in ! They soon changed their tune and gave up the token gesture we asked for.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

OP posts:
billyt · 18/09/2023 15:34

FFS!

My parents expected half of my wages from the time I started a part-time job when I was 14! I had the choice to pay up or get out. Way, way more than the equivalent of £20 now. And if I didn't clear up I got whacked. Your son should be shown reality.

I finally managed to move out when I was 17. The bastards expected me to continue giving them money.

I'm in my sixties and it still rankles now.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:35

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

It's not charging him to live there...it's teaching him the value of money, and how to be responsible. If he had any morals he would be offering to help his mum around the house regardless of contributing to the bills.

Swipe left for the next trending thread