18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

[missmatch23]

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

I’m sorry you haven’t been well and that your son isn’t supportive.
Tough love isn’t easy . But he needs to start taking some responsibility. No money unless he earns it. No Wi-Fi access, heating off when you aren’t in the house etc. Privileges are earned not given , as for Christmas set a small limit and stick to it.
I think you send mixed messages sometimes

I gave my mother £20 board and lodge back in 1994. I think you are letting him off easy. Wait until he has to start paying real rent and bills.

Just tell your lazy son that if he won't contribute he can find somewhere else to live and he will never find anywhere for £20 pw, let him experience the real world.

It's going to be costing you more than what he'd be paying. If he won't pay it, maybe he should find his own place, he'd soon see how easy he had it at home! Sometimes it takes tough love to get the message.

When my daughter was the same age and still lived at home and was going to uni, she was paying £40/week towards her food, phone contract, gas/elec, toiletries etc. I didn't ask her for that much, she paid it herself because she knew it would have cost her a lot more if she lived in student accommodation. As soon as she got her grant monies through, she worked out how many weeks it was until her next payment and paid it in 1 go so she didn't have to worry about it.

My oldest son was a totally different story tho! He refused to do anything about the house, always argumentative, picking on his younger siblings etc. He was told many times to buck up or pick a door, he didn't listen and continued to be an a$$. The last straw was when he started physically threatening me. I'm a lot smaller than he is (he's 6ft3) and disabled. My daughter phoned the police and he was removed. He's changed so much for the better since and apologised for how he was behaving and said the tough love was what he needed to get his head out his backside. Now at 28yr old, he has a good job AND runs his own company.

Well done, OP. In the longer run, you're doing him a massive favour. Hold firm, and be kind to yourself.

I was paying £200 15 years ago! That was over half the mortgage! Did I question it? No?!! I knew I couldn't rent and pay bills for that price. He needs to start working 40hour weeks and pull his finger out. He may be your child, but he is also an adult now. Stop paying for anything like phone bills, driving lessons etc and tell him he needs to contribute or he's out

YANBU at all. He 100% should be contributing to bills and around the house, and I agree, some tough love is needed. He’s 18, and will consider himself to be a man, therefore, he has to step up and act like a man all the time, not revert back to a boy when it suits him.

I started working at 16 part time (16 hours, so exactly what your son is doing now but whilst still at school/college), and got a full time job within a month of leaving college. I did have to move out and away for the job, so my mom never expected me to pay, however whenever I came home and visited, I’d contribute by doing and paying for the weekly food shop (probably about £60/£70 at the time) and also took on my 2 little sisters phone bills until they were in full time jobs themselves.

He needs to realise life costs money, and the money you earn isn’t to just spend however you want. He also needs a reality check, you weren’t just chilling in bed for those months, watching tv and doing nothing. You weren’t well. That’s very very different to how he’s behaving

My father left my mum when i was 15 i was pulled out of school and sent to work to contribute to the household i earned 4.50 a week my mum took 4.00 , when i left home i was expected and did send half my wages home, one week i was late sending the money, my mum sent the police saying i was missing!

Re the staying in bed till midday, how would you feel if he was working full time and still getting up late? Either on his days off or days where his shifts didn’t start till late in the day?

Even if you were well off, two large incomes in the house, you should still have done the same. Stand firm.

He's just being lazy and hoping he'll get away with paying nothing...I'd tell him things prices have really gone up COL etc (but tell him as a sad story not pointedly) & you're really sorry but you can't manage & he needs to pay £50 or you'll have to move into a 1-bed flat
... he'll hopefully soon cough up £20. He needs to be doing some housechores too like hoovering, taking the bins out, cleaning the bathroom..that's only fair. Good luck,they drive you bonkers, I know 😉