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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

286 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
jazzyfips · 18/09/2023 16:37

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

What a totally ignorant comment.

loislovesstewie · 18/09/2023 16:38

Actually he should be paying keep and helping around the house. He can do his own washing , clean the bathroom and kitchen for starters.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/09/2023 16:38

Just read your update.

I would tell him that he can't rely on the money from your DPs. It would be nice to have but he can't budget with money that might never appear.

If he's thinking of going to Uni, have you both looked at how much loan he'd be entitled to and what the costs of accommodation are where he wants to go?

Has he worked out how much he'll need in the bank? If he gets full loan I'd make it very clear now that you're not topping him up. If you have a look at his budget for Uni now, he'll have a good while to earn enough money to save.

Has he worked out how much he'll need for travelling too? Flights, transport, insurance, accommodation and spending money?

I think if you work out all of this with him it might help to focus his mind a little?

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:38

LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 16:27

No, my home was £105k and I put down a 30k deposit. my premiums are pretty low.

Show quote history

OK, but this is really unusual these days so not a comparable scenario, my mortgage was similar when I first bought. Now mortgages are much more likely to be closer to £700-1000. To rent a 2 bedroom terraced house, no parking, where I live is around £1100 a month!

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/09/2023 16:38

My 25 year old gives me £500 a month, it is what she said. She pays her bus fare to work and pays for her phone. Also she has far much more money saved, that she could move out.

Rudderneck · 18/09/2023 16:39

I doubt he's make a go of university by the sound of it. He should go out and find his own place, financed by his own proper job.

skinnytobe · 18/09/2023 16:39

Write down. On paper, in front of him.

What would be rent

£500pcm
£110 council tax
Gas 120 a month
Electricity 130 a month
Food shopping £150 a month
Internet...

And so on.

He needs to learn how the real world works.

I had similar with my ds who's now 21. He decided to tell me to fuck off and moved out, he's struggling. Has asked to come home (for other reasons I've told him no, stealing lying destroying my property) now he's learning the hard way. He said he wishes he was back home paying £150 a month!

TenderDandelions · 18/09/2023 16:39

If you were to say "If you can't contribute £80 a month, I'm going to have to ask you to move out so I can rent your room out to someone who can pay". Even better if you've looked at OpenRent to see how much you could get for renting it out.

"Sorry DS, but I just can't afford to keep you any more. If I carry on like this I fear my health issues returning. If you can't contribute £80 you'll have to move out so I can get £300 a month in rent for your room".

What would he say? Would he realise that it will cost him a lot more in money and effort to live somewhere else?

I think you're being generous for £80 a month. Imagine how much your costs would go down if he didn't live with you at all!

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 16:39

I just feel so stuck. He technically is an adult and can do as he so pleases, but I don't understand where his total lack of respect has come in. He was such a lovely, funny boy. We had such an amazing relationship; very open and honest and accepting. It seems to have just disappeared.

I get sick of having the same, or at least trying to have conversations with him. They result in nodding dog syndrome, or a stonewalling flounce out of the room. I'm so tired of it now I just want to scream.

I've done a cleaning rota for next week, as now I'm back in work, I don't want to be coming home to a tip every day. Let's see what happens. Thank you all so much xx

OP posts:
skinnytobe · 18/09/2023 16:41

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Where do you suggests she craps the money from then?

Because that child benefit/other benefits you get for them. Suddenly stops, that's a few hundred quid a month down. They still need feeding and clothing? I'd love to see where you expect this extra money comes from?

Roselilly36 · 18/09/2023 16:41

Yep, no one lives somewhere for free, my two DS’ pay £150 pmth each.

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 16:43

@skinnytobe I'm sorry you've been put in that awful scenario. I imagine it would be so hurtful for your child to treat you in that way. No way a parent deserves to be treated at all. Good for you sticking to your guns.

OP posts:
midgemadgemodge · 18/09/2023 16:43

He can do what he pleases

But if he chooses to live with you then he has to follow your rules and pay his way

If he choses not to do those things he is choosing to live elsewhere

midgemadgemodge · 18/09/2023 16:44

I have noticed that once kids have had to live on their own , their attitudes change dramatically

Sunnydale1999 · 18/09/2023 16:44

Do not feel bad or let any posters make you feel that having your son pay 'digs' is awful. 20 years ago, me and my younger cousin were at uni. I handed in my standard £25 a week and his parents told him that he didn't have to.

I was the oldest of 4 kids in a family that was struggling and I did not grudge contributing. My cousin on the other hand was spoiled and entitled and this was just another example of him not pulling his weight.

We're both closer to 40 now, he still lives with his parents, not paying rent, has never moved out and just goes out socialising spending his salary.

Although I'm relatively comfortable,I will make sure my kids contribute to household expenses when they are adults as I honestly think it teaches a valuable lesson. And none of this, taking the money off them and then presenting them with a lump sum when they are due to move out. That teaches nothing other than the world owes me a living and the bank of mum & dad will save the day.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/09/2023 16:46

And you've done your sums slightly wrong. £20 a week works out at £86a month. If he only paid you £80 a month you'd be losing out on £72 a year.

letthemalldoone · 18/09/2023 16:46

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I used to think that. Until I ended up with three entitled, frankly lazy 20-somethings sponging off me.

One is working FT, contributes minimally but thinks that entitles them to full maid service. One working FT temp, 'saving' for a postgrad uni course. One FT student. None of them feel the need to do any housework.

Don't be me.

Lorieandrews · 18/09/2023 16:47

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

I paid £250 a month to my mum at 18 back in 1997!!!!!

so I think £20 a week is luxury!!!!

letthemalldoone · 18/09/2023 16:47

midgemadgemodge · 18/09/2023 16:44

I have noticed that once kids have had to live on their own , their attitudes change dramatically

Nope, not mine. Reverted to being teens.

MartyFunkhouser · 18/09/2023 16:48

If he is working and you need the money, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to help with finances by making a small contribution. Whether the amount is ok depends on what he earns.

skinnytobe · 18/09/2023 16:50

FWIW I have a cleaning rota for us. My other DC are 12 and 16 and pull their weight :)

mathanxiety · 18/09/2023 16:50

Tell him he needs to move out by X date as you will be taking in a lodger who will pay his way and will be staying in DS' room.

YANBU.

I note you were quick to explain that you have been ill and unable to function well for the last three months. It comes across as you pleading with him to stop judging you. Stop doing this. You do not owe this CF an explanation of your performance. Doing so will make him think you're weak and he's in charge.

Do not explain anything more than basic maths to him. Either there is enough money to cover expenses or there isn't, and household residents who enjoy the legal benefits of being over 18 can only enjoy the domestic benefits if they pay for them.

Wexone · 18/09/2023 16:51

am on the fence of children paying rent while at home. he has just finished school. however he should be helping out alot more at home. how has it come to a stage that he doesn't know to do dishes etc is there a chore list? does all children pull their weight with household stuff ? you can't force him go hand over money..but there is a list of stuff that needs to be done in the house every week. would that be a compromise? If not working or home before yoi dinner us to be cooked etc. I don't think resorting to threaten to kick out is an option. everyone knows what the rental market etc is like. serious chat is needed respect from both sides is needed

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/09/2023 16:51

And do come and join us over on the Parents of Adult Children Section Flowers

crosstalk · 18/09/2023 16:52

OP why should you make up for your son's grandparents not coming through? Between now and Christmas he could earn that money for himself. He's old enough to do barwork, supermarket work, anything unless you live in the boondocks with no transport.