18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

[missmatch23]

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

It's pretty unusual for a mortgage to be under £300, are you being sarcastic?

That said I'd never charge an adult child age under about 21 £300, if anything. If they are not saving for a house then I would once older than that, if they had no intention of buying or renting a house after say 25, then they can pay an equal share compared to all other adults.

OP, don't take any notice of anyone saying that you shouldn't charge your DC to live at home. As I always say on these type of posts, they aren't living your life with your finances. Some people have no grasp that others can be tight for money.

Tell him that a "gap year" isn't for lying in bed all day, it's to earn money towards his travelling which he needs to fund himself because you can't afford to.

Talk to him about his expectations and your expectations and how he is an adult now and needs to start looking after himself.

£20 a week is nothing. He should also be paying for his own mobile phone.

If he doesn't like then, then ask him to look into house shares to see how much that would cost him if that was his only choice.

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

There is no charge for living at home - any adult child needs to contribute to their own upkeep, unless they have special needs and are unable to contribute.

Life isn't free and we all need to contribute something, thats if we are decent human beings. I did't bring up gold diggers and they contribute for their own self esteem and moral being

I gave my mum £60 in 1993 when my monthly take home pay was £340. Yep £340 a month net pay! So one fifth(ish) 30 years ago. She was a single disabled parent and I fully expected to give her money as soon as I was earning.

Ok so they won’t pay you towards bills. Why don’t you tell them in that case you need to sell up and downsize or if renting tell LL you can’t afford it and need somewhere smaller for you- the bill payer and your DCs can find their own homes and pay that way

Grandson who is well paid 2nd year apprentice pays £150 a month. He says most of his friends pay nothing. They are in for a big shock when they leave home.

Surely he is going to have to work to save money to go travelling? You can't seriously be paying for that?

Any age? I used to work in Housing Benefits and saw many a pensioner in weeping because their ADULT over 40 sons were living at home and refused to give their mothers anything for their keep. They also wouldn't send in their payslips to prove if their income was low, which at least would have reduced the amount of benefit that was stopped for having working age adults living in their home. How old does one have to be to stop being a child that a parent is expected to keep?

I specifically said sons because they always were their sons.

Obviously, you wouldn't do it otherwise.

Just seems odd that you would if she has just wasted it. At least she's paying it without complaining I guess.

And of course he should be contributing in some way if he can - helping out with chores etc.

YANBU. When I have to get harsh on my older son, who still lives at home, I tell him it’s ‘tough love’ and I’m doing him no favours by babying him.
Try that approach, but stick to your guns.

It's not awful.
In many cases adult children are better off than their parents, and teaching kids no-one gets a free ride is part of patenting.
I disagree with expecting kids in full time education to work, in order to contribute, if its not totally necessary. Some MN seem to think all kids over 16 should pay. But if the family cannot manage otherwise what are the options?

Even if he was claiming benefits I would expect much of that to be used to pay for the cost of living at home.

@fishonabicycle again another conversation with him (though might as well be with myself) I have had over, and over again. Literally lives in cloud cuckoo land. Hasn't helped his grandparents promised him £2000 when he turned 18, and have now refused to give it to him until they decide he can have it. I do feel slightly responsible for him being dropped like that, and have offered to give him money for Christmas towards it. Won't be 2 grand though! Or anywhere near. More of a control aspect from my parents.

No, my home was £105k and I put down a 30k deposit. my premiums are pretty low.

@TheBarbieEffect

what if your offspring wanted to live with you when they were 45 rent free whilst they work a few hours per week?
would you be ok with that?! No?? Thought not

Of course you should charge him - he sounds like a lazy bugger who needs some life lessons!

I paid my parents £25 a week back in 2003. I didn't know at the time but they saved it all up and gave it to me towards my deposit on my first flat. But I never begrudged paying it - they were feeding me, doing my washing, I had a lovely warm bedroom, as many baths and showers as I wanted, clean towels, washed and ironed bedding, cooked meals. All I had to do was get used to working full-time with no other pressure.

I just wanted to say that you are being entirely reasonable and he should be contributing and helping.

Many teenagers at this age are just so involved with themselves, that their behaviour can be hurtful to even the most perfect of parents.

There is a good chance this is not who he is forever. Please take consolation that in a few years he may even remember this time and realise what an arse he was being!

Im so sorry to hear you have been ill and I hope that you manage to sort things out with him soon. Stay strong.

Can you stop paying for phone contract, any subscriptions and food only he eats? I would also show him how much extra the council tax has increased each month so you are clear that you are just expecting the difference between him living with you and away from you.

I would suggest a percentage. He may get a well paid job but will likely still give £20 a week.

Personally my kids were expected to contribute 30% of their income.

He should also be doing his own laundry and helping with cleaning, regularly, consistently and without being reminded.

Tell him it's FOFO time:

fork out or fuck off

Stand your ground on this OP.

If you genuinely think a struggling parent should support an ADULT who has left education, doesn't lift a finger at home, and is working the bare minimum of hours (16 in this case) while planning to do absolutely nothing except have lie ins and travel with his friends (with what money, exactly???), then you will be contributing the sloth like entitlement we see in so many entitled 18/19/20 year olds who behave similarly.

He's an ADULT. He won't be 'helping' around the house, which he isn't' he'll be doing his share as an adult who isn't in full time education or work.

OP, give him his rota or chores/contributions to the household, tell him he'll be paying X amount per week out of his pay while he's not in education, or he can find a bedsit which will cost him quite a bit more overall.

He needs a plan. Mooching off of you and doing sweet fuck all is not a plan.

KicK him out and see if he can find anywhere for £20 a week.

He had the gall to tell you that you should be doing everything when you were off ill? He sounds like an entitled shit and you need to show some tough love.

A gap year? No it's him checking out of doing anything year. He's had enough time off so he needs to man up and get a proper job, pay for his keep and I very much doubt he'll be able to go travelling. For one, he doesn't sound as he's mature enough to either organise it or to actually be able to be out there on his own.

We don’t charge our adult child (doing an apprenticeship) any money. If he was in bed until midday on a ‘gap year’ though, I would be extremely annoyed and would expect him to be proactively seeking employment of more than 16 hours a week. I’d probably use the contribution to the household as a threat. It must be frustrating.