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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

286 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 18/09/2023 15:36

Your house your rules. Lazy get in bed all day. Tell him to get his arse out of bed and go get a job.

Comefromaway · 18/09/2023 15:37

My daughter (slightly older but having a bit of time out from education) is paying £45 per week keep so £20 is getting off REALLY lightly.

When a young person chooses to leave education they have to realise that the world will not provide for them. As a single parents you will have lost your single person council tax discount and the benefits system assumes he is an dult who will pay his way.

It's not about you refusing to keep your child, it's about an adult taking advantage of you and seeing you struggle.

CyberCritical · 18/09/2023 15:37

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Child benefit stops but the "child" still needs to be fed and housed. They are capable of working so need to at least cover that. It's not a big imposition to insist on that.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:38

Stick to your guns OP, he sounds entitled and needs to grow up. £20 a week is being kind. I think I paid my mum £50 a week many years ago and was happy to contribute to the bills and would clean, cook etc from a young age. She was a single parent too and I'd never disrespect her like your son is doing to you.

caringcarer · 18/09/2023 15:41

He is being very unfair to you. He must be using £20 a week in electricity and food and more as well. Tough love is definitely needed. You need to tell him you are not funding the travelling either. He needs to work more hours to save if he wants to travel. He'll get a nasty shock once he's at uni. He'll realise how much food and electricity costs. He sounds very lazy. He needs to learn to work for what he wants.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 15:42

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

Stop cooking for him
Stop doing his washing
When it gets cold, bundle up and turn the heating off
Turn off the wifi (and change the password) when you're not there.
Don't give him lifts or any money for anything.
Supply basic food he can cook himself.

If he leaves his crap around the house, dump it in his room

Sit him down with a spreadsheet of house costs (including him)

Ask him how he expects you to manage

Thebigblueballoon · 18/09/2023 15:43

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

Yeah… it’s time to get tough now. That is extremely entitled and disrespectful, and he’s only going to get worse if you don’t put your foot down and give him a small sniff of what he can expect from real life.
Personally, I’d be flapping my bills in his face to show him exactly how much it costs to run the household. He sounds like a lazy arsehole.

Mumof2teens79 · 18/09/2023 15:46

I am happy with parents supporting older teens as much as they are able. If you can afford to kids should have the time and money to study or to travel....but not lie in bed all day unless they are sick.
If he wants to travel he really needs to fund it himself. Its up to you if he pays keep, but if you're struggling that seems a no brainer.

BMW6 · 18/09/2023 15:46

Well he has a choice as a young adult.

Pay board as agreed AND so chores as agreed

Or

Move out and be totally self sufficient.

His choice.

tothelefttotheleft · 18/09/2023 15:47

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I never understand replies like this.

Can you really not understand that not all parents circumstances are the same? Why shouldn't an adult living in your home not contribute to their own living costs?

caringcarer · 18/09/2023 15:47

Why are you doing his washing for him. My son lived at home and was perfectly capable of putting his own clothes on to wash including bedding and putting on his clean sheets and duvet cover. He also emptied the waste bin in the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher, and run the vacuum around his own room and the stairs, landing and hall too. He also cooked once a week for the whole family. Your son needs to learn to cook a few meals and do his own laundry. You have been too soft with him OP. You need to be firmer for his own good.

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 18/09/2023 15:48

The real world of bills will come as a shock to him if he thinks £80 a month is bad.

jannier · 18/09/2023 15:53

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Once he's an adult ie 18 the government assume he contributes to income so even if your disabled your money goes down as having a second adult in the home, your council tax changes too. Why shouldn't an adult contribute to the family finances? You have a luxury others cannot afford, losing a home rather than expecting all adults to pull together or starving yourself to feed an adult who had money is ridiculous.

Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 15:53

£20 is a bargain!

When my 20 year old daughter left university and didn’t seem inclined to restart, I told her rent was free while she was in school and $100 a week while she wasn’t. It took a year until she was back at school and living rent free and I saved the money I collected during that year. I’ll give it back when she graduates.

She had the ability to make decent money which she was spending on cigarettes and shoes. I didn’t see why I should subsidize that lifestyle when Me and her dad are out busting our balls every day to pay bills.

LadyDanburysHat · 18/09/2023 15:54

OP it's just the selfish attitude of teens. My eldest was the same, and I honestly wondered where I had gone wrong with his level of entitlement. He does pay, he probably still thinks DH and I are awful. But he is 20 years old with a full time well paying job. He can more than afford it.

Enforce this with your DS. Tell him he is welcome to move out, but essentially he is an adult and it is time to start paying his way in the world.

RockGirl · 18/09/2023 15:55

Many young people take a year out to save for university. Instead, your son is not only expecting you to pay for that, but also for travel?

You know what you have to do, it won't be easy but better for him in the long run.

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 15:57

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I would agree if they are in full time education but not if they are sat on their arse doing FA.

I wouldn't charge mine if they are saving for a house deposit either but if someone is not fortunate enough to be able to afford to do so and the adult child is working then £80 a month is a very small amount.

jannier · 18/09/2023 15:57

He's not on a gap year he's on a lazy arsed year did he not have any chores while at school?

Nevermind202020 · 18/09/2023 15:58

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

You think it's awful to teach the concept of paying your own way? Let's face it, he's getting a really, really good deal!

MrsMarzetti · 18/09/2023 15:59

YABVVU by asking for only £320 a month from an adult that is no longer in full time education. He needs to pay a third of all the bills minus mortgage payments if you own. If you rent then he has to make a contribution to it. All bills include food, fuel and broadband. Provide a breakdown of costs and chores, make him understand that the price and the chores are is negotiable and if he feels he can't or won't agree, show him the door. He is an adult now.

NotAMug · 18/09/2023 16:00

Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 15:53

£20 is a bargain!

When my 20 year old daughter left university and didn’t seem inclined to restart, I told her rent was free while she was in school and $100 a week while she wasn’t. It took a year until she was back at school and living rent free and I saved the money I collected during that year. I’ll give it back when she graduates.

She had the ability to make decent money which she was spending on cigarettes and shoes. I didn’t see why I should subsidize that lifestyle when Me and her dad are out busting our balls every day to pay bills.

In this instance why would you give it back to her, she could have saved her own money instead of wasting it.

My parents charged me £40 a month to cover my extra sky box, toiletries and phone bill. I was saving every penny I could so they didn't charge me anything. They actually saved the £40 a month to help with my house deposit but if I hadn't bothered saving myself they wouldn't have done.

BIossomtoes · 18/09/2023 16:00

Time to ask him to leave. Back in the day the only time I didn’t ask for a contribution from mine was when he was working all the hours God sends and saving every penny he could to go travelling. It’s doing them no favours to think the world owes them a living.

coolkatt · 18/09/2023 16:00

LakeTiticaca · 18/09/2023 15:24

Change the WiFi password
Padlock the food cupboards and the fridge. Disable the heating in his room.
He'll get the message eventually

absolutely this! do u and him a favour. what a cheek. he has no respect for you

TeeBee · 18/09/2023 16:01

My son is also taking a gap year to travel before Uni. He travelled for the first two weeks and then did not very much. I pulled back on every bit of financial support I was giving him and just provided empathy when he said he was skint. Soon enough, he's found himself a decently paid job, starting at 6am in the morning. Amazing what having no money can do for their motivation to get out of bed. He's also planning to travel again before starting uni...I won't be paying a penny towards this, and I can more than afford to. Its time they have to learn to stand on their own two feet. If mine hadn't moved in response to having no money, I'd have started charging rent too. Its called parenting. You do whatever needs to be done to get the message across.

Baconisdelicious · 18/09/2023 16:02

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that

.You're lucky to be able to have that slack in your budget that not charging your children to live at home is an option for you. It was what my parents offered me.

The suggestion that the OP, as a single income household should offer the same as a dual income household is ludicrous. Just as for some dual income households, it will also be difficult to give their children a free roof over their heads.

We are living in difficult times. Clearly it is harder for some than for others. Please do consider the bigger picture before spouting such drivel.