18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

[missmatch23]

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

Definitely not unreasonable once I was out of study and working my parents charged me rent.

OP what is his job? Has he had much experience of work? I'd only had terrible jobs by that age and assumed all work was like that, so the thought of increasing hours was awful to me. I know it's not meant to be a doddle but is there perhaps something that will interest him more or be a better environment?

My nephew has worked in and out of jobs for 15 years and has only found one or two he felt comfortable in. That has really changed his attitude.

Btw YANBU to charge him!

I think sit down with him and have a discussion about him going travelling and where he wants to go, will he be able to find work whilst away, how much it is going to cost and how to get the money to pay for it.
Look at places that do freelance hospitality or other types of work, especially with Christmas coming up. Look at how many hours he needs to work to put away enough to set off sometime in the New Year/Feb or March

If you can get him out of the house working and getting the buzz of earning money it will probably save you money and help him to grow up in the long run.

Could you make a deal with him.

You will take £10 per week and he gets more work either full time or working as close to full time hours as he can and he comes up with the money to go travelling
Set a notional date of when he wants to set off E.g. 15 February 2024 and if he isn’t on his way or at least got his flight tickets and some itinerary together then he needs to prepare to live somewhere else

Sometimes even as adults we need that help to guide us and push us to do something that we would regret not doing. Their is a finite few years to do this sort of thing

Is there a forum he can join that discusses gap year travelling.

I think the danger is he is going to regret the year off doing nothing when he starts uni and other people are talking about their travel experiences.

You say you had severe depression. Could this have affected him.

My son (adult, married two children, Masters degree) recently thanked me for making him pay part of his "dole" money. He gave up a uni course and was settling into doing nothing. We told him he was no longer a student so had to pay. (no cigs yes he smoked) He was into a more suitable course very soon! He now sees we made him face adult responsibilities.

At his age I was paying £300 per month to my mum, running a car and saving for a flat on ~£1200 per month - not unreasonable in the slightest!

@Wexone he is costing her money now, she loses the 25% single occupancy adult on her council tax as it doesn't matter if it is a child, once they hit 18 a full charge is raised. As a student in sixth form he would be exempt from the charge, likewise at uni. He is on a gap year so isn't eligible for a student exemption.

She has also now lost her child benefit payment of £24 per week too, because it stops being paid once they leave sixth form.

She cannot cover this money herself and has asked him for a measly £20 per week. Ds is at uni, his food for him alone is £35 per week.

@missmatch23 Stand firm, you are absolutely doing the right thing. As an equivalent maybe you could have a look on https://www.spareroom.co.uk/ to show him what renting a room in a house in your area would cost him. He might start to realise that £20 a week is a bargain, has he seen the price of cheese?

If he's on a gap year, and there's no extenuating circumstances, I would expect him to be working full time, saving the bulk of it to pay for expenses in college, paying a notional amount for keep now and having a similar amount for spending.

It's not awful at all. OP is a single parent who needs the money, and it also sounds like her son could benefit from learning a bit about the adult world. He's 18, not a child.

You're not being unreasonable op. If he's working then he should be paying board, regardless of how many hours he works.
I used to take 20% of my kids wages. In return they got..
A nice warm home with their own bedroom.
Electricity.
Gas.
Water.
Council tax (they'd have to pay it if they lived in their own place )
WiFi.
Food.
Drink.
Toiletries.
Cleaning service.
Laundry service.
Chef in the kitchen.
Repairs done ( again, they would have to pay if they owned a place )
Bank of mum & dad for interest free loans.
Taxi service.
Looking at that lot, I'd love to live somewhere that only charged me 20% of my earnings to live there.
So no op, you're not being unreasonable.

My kids already know that when they start work full time and arent at school they will be expected to pay board (we were talking about mortgages with the eldest and things like that, I didnt just randomly announce it).
Personally we are in a position that we will actually save it and give it back to them at some point.
Anyway, onto your issue. I think I would stop funding anything for him. Phone/Gym/anything you pay, he can start paying them. Also, I would be telling him that unless he gets his act together and cleans up after himself then you will no longer provide food, he can use his two legs and his own money to get that himself. Same with washing, he can do his own. Anything left around the house goes in the bin. Be ruthless. He is 18, not 8. At least that way it is less mess to clean and it might make him think. Tell him he pays £20 or finds somewhere else to live. It sounds like he needs the harsh word and harsh actions, change the wifi password too, he contributes or gets out

I get that ( all kids cost moneyall of their lives).but if he only working 16 hours a week I wouldn't say he raking it in and 20 pounds a week is probably a huge chunk of money. he left school when mid July probably ? about 2 months ago its a shock to the system and most boys are not that mature. op says she was very ill aswell and am sure this affected him aswell. I am saying to have a bit of respect on bothe sides try and see both sides of story and come to a working compromise so all the family can live in peace in teh home.

Disagree with your first paragraph but agree with the second.

Time for OPs son to grow up and pay his way. Even if I could afford to not charge, I would on principle. £20pw is very reasonable imho.

You don’t think able-bodied adults should contribute to their own upkeep?

If he’s only working 16 hours a week he needs to find another 20+.

When my middle one was planning a gap year and planning to work PT and have a blast I did ask for keep - she was equally horrified (I was accused of financial abuse!) so I went through all the figures - bills, increase in council tax, loss of CB and TC - and explained that, in order to keep the house, keep us fed and warm etc she would need to help out or move out - having checked out rents she backed down - eventually did a further year of college due to one A level being disappointing and went off to Uni this Sat - while they are in education I don't expect a penny but if they are sitting around doing nowt and working PT then they can afford to contribute

Nothing wrong with that at all

Normally I think that if a family can afford it then they shouldn't charge their kids to live at home the second they turn 18 and find the parents who charge their kids whilst claiming it teaches them about money are a bit tight-fisted. I do think the newly adult children should be pulling their weight, starting their career/saving for their gap year or house/building work experience /studying though.

In this situation he's being a lazy bum and mooching off his mother without doing anything to further himself or set himself up for adulthood. He should be financially contributing

Were you lying in bed during your depression? Not asking judgmentally by the way, just wondering if it’s something he’s seen for a few years and got into a. Habit of. Could HE be depressed too? I can imagine it just have been hard for him too. Maybe he feels a bit ‘world on his shoulders’ he’s a man yes, but a newly minted one who may well have suffered watching you unwell in last few vulnerable years

saying this to open up conversation with him as maybe he’s hurting and ‘rebelling’ as a way to cope with stress from that.

My DD (21) pays £250pcm a month in keep. She wouldn’t be able to get a room in a shared house for that so it’s enabling her to save. Adults should definitely be contributing to household expenses.

@Wexone he needs to be working more than the paltry 16 hours doesn't he if it is taking a chunk of his money. He will have finished his A levels 3 months ago, not two. He has watched his Mum ill, off work and decided she should do everything in the house. What a complete arsehole. Life isn't rainbows and unicorns. Yes children cost, I have one at uni and one in year 13. He is just a lazy arse who has decided not to do anything. Even working 16 hours a week he hasn't done any housework. I pity whoever lives with him at uni. Maybe his Mum would have more respect for him if he was pulling his weight round the house but he isn't.

Cocklodger in the making. Time for him to grow up and move out.

Another 60 plus here Billyt and was expected to hand over similar at a very young age too.

I too left to live on my own at 15 and needed two jobs for many years to keep my head above water whilst also studying at night school for my qualifications.

I wouldn’t want anyone experiencing what we did but do strongly believe 18 year olds should be contributing. Ok perhaps the parents don’t need it! Well if that’s the case just save it without their knowledge and return to them towards a house deposit years later. This teaches the child turned adult excellent life lessons and how to budget. Failure to do so encourages entitled, selfish behaviour.

Insist your son pays a reasonable rent, to go towards household expenses, or he should start looking for alternative accommodation !

Oh it's insane, My house is 3 bedroom, front and back garden and in a cul de sac for less than £300 mortgage/ month.

My friend, albeit he is 7 years younger than me, rents a one bedroom flat with no outside space pays more like £500 and I dont think his bill are included?!

Bottom line.. if you drop dead tomorrow.. what is he going to do?

On a lighter note... he might be too old/big to kick his ass but if he wants to be treated like an adult and do adult things he needs to start acting like an adult..

And that means increasing his working hours, paying his way, saving for his travelling AND any further education he is hoping for.

He also needs to start pulling his weight at home, laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping.

If he can't do ALL of the above he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Your house = your rules.

You would not accept this behaviour/attitude from any other adult ( I sincerely hope!!)

Do not accept it from him.

Absolutely, he should be paying his way. £20 a week is very reasonable. You are doing him a favour, otherwise it will be a big shock when he goes out into the real world and realises you have to pay for things…