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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

286 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
AxolotlEars · 18/09/2023 16:02

You are unreasonable for only asking for £20!

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 16:03

M’y parents never charged me anything but then I left after a levels and never went back!

I don’t think £20 is unreasonable. He could earn that in a couple of hours.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 18/09/2023 16:04

Well it's not possible to physically force him to help or pay a contribution but you could dial back what you do for him. You can stop cooking for him, stop shopping for food or toiletries that are only for him, stop doing his laundry, change the WiFi password, stop paying any subscriptions that are only for him. And don't fund the travelling! At all. Hopefully he'll be ready for a meaningful discussion soon.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/09/2023 16:06

£20 is more than reasonable. He is a cf but I think that you should have had this discussion before he deferred starting uni so he knew what his gap year would look like

Original poster
missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 16:06

@caringcarer he is fully aware and has been shown how to do all of these things.
In fact, until around a year ago he would happily do them!

There has been a decline in the past 8 months. Even more so since I was ill and off work. Unfortunately I'm not able to jot down every detail of home life on here, but with a mum who works up to 16 a day, he has not been brought up in a lazy setting. It hurts more that this behaviour has become a choice.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 18/09/2023 16:06

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

How ridiculous, I am unsure of the OPs situation but in my circumstances if my adult child was working, my rent / housing benefit would be affected.

Why is it you think someone should be impacted financially? Parents lose their child benefit / working tax credits when they hit 18, how is helping around the house going to help with the bills and keep a roof over your head? A lot of people are on the brink with COL increases and you seem to think it's awful to treat an adult like an adult?

Lizzieregina · 18/09/2023 16:07

@NotAMug because I want to. She isn’t aware she’s going to get it back, she assumes it was rent as agreed. I’m in a financial position to return it and I don’t need her to wait until I’m dead!

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 16:07

Definitely not being unreasonable, he needs a massive reality check and some tough love.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/09/2023 16:08

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I think it's awful of a working adult to expect another adult to provide food and warmth for them.

Sillymummies123 · 18/09/2023 16:09

I go back and forth on this (I don't have children anywhere near that age, but this is a subject that's occupied my mind since I was that age myself and asked to contribute).

I remember I felt pretty sad when I was asked to contribute. I was working a job I couldn't stand, had no idea what I was going to do with my future and generally was horribly depressed. I had mapped out how long I would have to work in order to stop working and do some travelling, and it wasn't the money as such that hurt - I felt like I wasn't as safe with my family. Like - parents should always be there to catch you if you fall, and as an adult I'd absolutely offer to contribute if I had to move back in now - but 18 isn't old enough to have made that decision to go out into the world and be independent, and by asking for money, it felt to me like that decision was being made for me.

Having said that, I was asked for 200 a month some ten years ago, so hardly 80£ in 2023.

Practical hint: what about asking him to buy some groceries each week? A more tangible contribution than what, I'm sure to him, feels like a tax for being born. Maybe give him some responsibility like paying for set weekly groceries, some bill that he is accruing or something like that?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 18/09/2023 16:09

£20 is getting off lightly tbh

Why undersell what it costs you to have another adult in the home? Why should you pick up that cost?

You'll have lost your council tax discount, any tax credits etc etc

He's home more so your bills will go up as he's not out at college all day

Shape up or ship out tbh. I had a gap year, my parents didn't charge rent but they told me I had to work full time and help out with extra chores, not just cleaning up after myself (not that your DS even does that!)

Iwasafool · 18/09/2023 16:09

I sympathise, I'm bringing up GS, same age. When he decided to defer his university place I said fine you have 3 choices, 1. go to university, 2. get a job and pay towards your keep (£25 a week which doesn't cover his food let alone anything else as he's very into sport and gym) 3. find somewhere else to live. By the end of the week he had a job, picking up £1,500 a month so his £100 to me barely makes a dent. He's loving it, working with a wide variety of nationalities and ages and I think it is making him more mature and that's after just over a month.

Try just giving him his options and let him decide what he wants to do. I hope it works for you.

Flatulence · 18/09/2023 16:10

£20p/w is an incredibly good deal.
When I was on my 'gap year' (20 ish years ago) I didn't pay my mum rent but I would pay for some household groceries from my own pocket and obviously did plenty of housework, cooking etc.
It goes witho saying that I bought everything I and I alone used (e.g. shampoo, certain drinks or food) as well as my own transport and clothes etc.
Even 20 years ago, my contribution to household costs was more than £80 p/w; what you're offering him is a fantastically good deal and frankly expecting him to chip in with household costs and clean up after himself is the absolute minimum a presumably perfectly able grown man should be doing while living at home with his mother.
Lazing around at home is doing nothing for his mental health, or for future career prospects, or helping him to get to his goal of going travelling.
He needs a kick up the backside now otherwise you'll have made a rod for your own back for the next however many years.

DisquietintheRanks · 18/09/2023 16:10

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:34

@Ylvamoon I'd like to be able to say that those kinds of conversations haven't already taken place multiple times, but unfortunately they have. He nods and agrees when not flouncing around, and I almost see it float out of the other ear.

I've sat him down and gone over costs and income, of how long it takes to do things at home after working 8am-5pm every day, cooking and cleaning. He completely ignores it all, and then the same continues.

I messaged him recently after coming home to pots in the sink, washing left on the kitchen table, telling him no more. Days later, the washing was still there until I slung it over his bed in the end. He mumbled something about "was just going to get it" I've honestly had enough.

Then perhaps rather that suggesting he contributes money each week you could tell him you'd like him to move out?

But whatever you tell him you have to mean it and there have to be real world consequences for his behaviour/non cooperation. What consequences are there for him for his laziness? All I can see are consequences for you.

LeaderBee · 18/09/2023 16:11

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I used to pay maybe £300 p/m for living at home, it was a bit much but I thought fair enough.

Now i'm an adult i'm confused where all that money was going; My mortgage is less than that, all my utilities for the month (water, gas, electricity) come to maybe just under £100 and then food, internet and phone contract probably bring that to just over £200 so £550 a month, ish?

Why as a young adult living at home am I paying for obviously way more than my share of water, gas, electricity and food and then obviously some of the mortgage on top of that?

UndercoverCop · 18/09/2023 16:12

I had a gap year and didn't pay keep during it. However I had a full time job and part time bar work on top. Other than the odd night out and a week long holiday with friends the rest went towards supporting myself at uni because my parents couldn't. I saved over 20k that year and that was twenty years ago. I also did my fair share of family laundry, housework and did a lot of the cooking. I was an adult and contributed to the household any way I could. I was grateful to my parents for not charging me and wouldn't have dreamed of being so entitled.

He's lazy. £20 PW is nothing, if he was working hard and saving as well as being a functioning adult it might be different but he's not.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/09/2023 16:13

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

FFS. I see single Mums regularly who are about to be evicted because they are behind in the rent and then it turns out they have adult DC at home who aren't contributing.

Of course an adult should know how to budget for the house, what the rent/mortgage is and the bills and contribute. He's 18, not 8.

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/09/2023 16:13

OP, I do hope you're making it clear to DS that you will NOT be funding his travelling holiday!

Because I shall be having a stern talk with you if not...

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/09/2023 16:14

Tough love is required OP. He neds a short, sharp shock that life isn't free and £20 is a small price to pay for his keep.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 16:14

Sillymummies123 · 18/09/2023 16:09

I go back and forth on this (I don't have children anywhere near that age, but this is a subject that's occupied my mind since I was that age myself and asked to contribute).

I remember I felt pretty sad when I was asked to contribute. I was working a job I couldn't stand, had no idea what I was going to do with my future and generally was horribly depressed. I had mapped out how long I would have to work in order to stop working and do some travelling, and it wasn't the money as such that hurt - I felt like I wasn't as safe with my family. Like - parents should always be there to catch you if you fall, and as an adult I'd absolutely offer to contribute if I had to move back in now - but 18 isn't old enough to have made that decision to go out into the world and be independent, and by asking for money, it felt to me like that decision was being made for me.

Having said that, I was asked for 200 a month some ten years ago, so hardly 80£ in 2023.

Practical hint: what about asking him to buy some groceries each week? A more tangible contribution than what, I'm sure to him, feels like a tax for being born. Maybe give him some responsibility like paying for set weekly groceries, some bill that he is accruing or something like that?

This all just screams of "failure to accept you are now an adult". "A tax for being born" is what all other adults have to pay, and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being considered a child in other ways, can't have it both ways and think you have an actual leg to stand on. At a certain point, you just have to grow up.

whynotwhatknot · 18/09/2023 16:14

hes a lazy rude litle shit-he wants a gap year tolaze about by the sounds of it

tel him its 20 a week or he can move out and pay market rent

Pootle40 · 18/09/2023 16:15

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Join the real world. It's not awful.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 18/09/2023 16:15

My own son’s gap year was stymied by Covid but the plan had been: work as hard as possible to save up money for travelling and a slush fund for university.

No way should your son be expecting you to finance his travel.

In an ideal world I’m sure you wouldn’t want to ask him for a contribution, but given the cost of living AND given that he’s refusing to work more than 16 hours a week, I’d say that it’s more than reasonable that he should make this relatively small contribution. If he wants more spending money he can earn it.

I think this age is more difficult even than younger teenage years, as they really can’t decide if they properly want to grow up or not. But it’s not a choice! Good luck. He will thank you in the future for sticking to your guns.

weirdoboelady · 18/09/2023 16:15

May I just check a couple of extra things - well, one really.

  • how old is your other DC? Still at school or a FT student? Thought so
  • Does this mean that your 18 year old is no longer a FT student, so you are no longer entitled to single person's council tax discount?
  • How much is this, just by itself, costing you each month? (Or will it cost you, if this comes as bad news?)
  • So is £20 a week still enough for DS to contribute? I suspect not....
Stimpend · 18/09/2023 16:15

ahhh the "I was just about to do that"s drive me demented!

I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time battling through these last months.

Might it help a little to give him an element of choice - maybe a choice of chores or cash? If he picks chores then he needs to pay if he doesn't follow through. I know it's yet another stab at the same old argument but he might be more receptive this way. Sometimes you need a "third way" out so he can cave without losing face