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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

286 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
cringelibrarian · 20/09/2023 11:03

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

trainboundfornowhere · 20/09/2023 11:13

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Very funny. Try a Scottish City

cringelibrarian · 20/09/2023 11:21

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This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

trainboundfornowhere · 20/09/2023 11:30

£420,000 for a two bed flat. I know cheap as chips.

cringelibrarian · 20/09/2023 11:33

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

mylifestory · 20/09/2023 11:53

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

I generally agree with this bt not in these circumstances. He has been no help when needed so is unlikely to want to contribute in this way either. Take the £20 from him every week on a set day, otherwise there will be consequences! Ask him how he expects to travel etc when he puts in no effort to making some money to be able to afford it. i know you would pay bt he doesnt need to know this & doesnt deserve it. This will all serve him well when he does leave & has to fend for himself. I hope u look after yrself in this difficult time for you, take some evenings away from cooking for him & just dont be there. hes old enough to look after himself occasionally.

MachineBee · 20/09/2023 12:21

YADNBU OP. Time to have the confidence to get firm with him. As well as food and energy costs, now he is over 18 I’m thinking that your single persons council tax discount has ended so he needs to cover that too.

Another point is that you need to show your younger DC that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable and has consequences. Do not rely on your DCs watching what your life is like and naturally understanding that they will have this to do. Tbh most teenagers are quite oblivious to it all. You need to spell everything out for them, set firm boundaries and enact consequences for them when they don’t follow the house rules. My DH was ever hopeful that his DCs would ‘know’ how to be adults from just watching him. He’s now realised that approach really didn’t work and is having to deal with the fallout from his DCs who are all in their 20s and still expecting financial support from him.

Deepf60 · 20/09/2023 13:24

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Never heard so much rubbish in my life, you are clearly letting you offspring think life is free and they will have no concept of the cost of living, you are not helping them at all in the long run

dontdillydallytoolong · 20/09/2023 13:39

@TheBarbieEffect Seriously? So if they decide not to leave home and you are retired and they are working full time, this would be acceptable?

Original poster
missmatch23 · 20/09/2023 14:20

I spoke with him last night. Was very firm and really did point out the issues. Considering he flounces round like he owns the place, and usually speaks to us like something that smells, he was very meek and mild. I offered him time to interject, put his own view across. He didn't utter a word. I told him I'm sick of it all going in one ear and out the other, he said it wasn't.

Today, because there's things to do at home, he was up at half 9, washed and out the door. He's still out now. He's in town cafe hopping currently. So yet again, it's all left for me to do. I feel like I'm screaming and nobody can hear me. His bag will be packed when he arrives home. I was going to wait till the weekend for him to go to his grandparents, but not now.

Regarding the job aspect, I spoke about this last night also. He said he's applied for two jobs. I pointed out that's two in the space of five months, and it's quite frankly not good enough. He's been given enough benefit of the doubt. No more.

I really do appreciate the support I've had on this thread. I've taken much from it, and have really found so much help in the advice so many have given.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 20/09/2023 14:27

You are right, two jobs in 5 months is not enough. Heck, even 2 jobs per week is probably not enough.

Time for a wake up call. Well done for standing firm.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 20/09/2023 16:19

Don't cook for him.
Lock up the snack food.
Don't do his laundry.
If he leaves a mess anywhere in the house, pick it up and deposit the lot on his bed.

Change the wifi password and don't let him have it until he is a contributing member of the household and/or he's done his chores each day. Keep changing it if you have to.

BMW6 · 20/09/2023 16:27

Well done OP. I expect he'll resist and you'll get promises, tears and tantrums, but 100% out he goes to his Grandparents TODAY.

He's taking the piss and he bloody well knows it.

BMW6 · 20/09/2023 16:29

Oh and change the locks if he has a key. If you can't do that today just leave a key in the lock on the inside. His key won't work then.

EdieLongLegs · 20/09/2023 18:18

When you're working full-time hours plus as many hours overtime as possible to just about keep a roof over your head why shouldn't you expect an adult who is capable of working to not support the household? My son (21) returned home last September after working away (seasonal work) and stayed for 6 months without contributing. He was recovering from an injury for the first month then laziness set in and he didn't work for the remaining 5 months when he was home. During that time my gas and electric costs soared as did my food shopping bill! A year later I'm still paying off the credit card that kept us fed and the lights on. He returned home again a week ago and has been told he has to contribute or stay elsewhere. No way on earth can I manage to financially support him again for 6 months. When he's away he earns good money but he spends it quickly, on designer clothes, top-of-the-range gadgets, and takeaways (sometimes 2 or 3 a day) so needs to get a job of some kind ASAP and pay his way.

Koalasparkles · 20/09/2023 19:11

Why should you help him if he won't help himself or take responsibility? Your family dynamics / relationship, including your depression, are completely separate to this. He's 18 now and of course it's going to be a learning curve towards being a "true" adult, but I don't think you're asking for an unreasonable amount of money from him. Even working 16 hours a week he should be able to afford this. What else is he spending his money on? He needs to learn the value of money etc. If he wants to go travelling then he should work for it. Don't give him money for this!

Koalasparkles · 20/09/2023 19:16

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:21

@TheBarbieEffect I think it's awful to assume he hasn't been encouraged to do so. He is now an adult, who cannot physically be forced to do anything he chooses not to.

Can't be forced to do anything he doesn't want to... except get out of your house if he's not contributing. He has no right to live there if you don't want him to. Bit of tough love and remind him of this maybe?

MrsRaspberry · 20/09/2023 19:25

Hes working 16hours a week he can easily afford to contribute. You're being generous only asking for £20 a week. As for finding more hours leave that one up to himself if he wants more money he can work more hours to earn it otherwise he can deal with a 16hour weekly wage either way he still needs to start contributing at home. He sounds very self entitled. He needs to take some responsibilities for himself and stop with the attitude that you're put on this earth to serve him. Harsh i know but he needs to either pay up or move out. Show him what rent costs he'll soon realise that £20 a week is a good deal

TheFretfulPorpentine · 20/09/2023 20:26

If he's not plain lazy, he is very unrealistic. You could point out that the university he plans to attend will probably expect more than a two-day week from him in terms of total input (attending lectures, tutorials, assignments) and that most employers will be looking for their new starters to work full time. And what is the point of a gap year if he is going to spend it in bed?

SAHMTO · 20/09/2023 20:57

if it helps when I was 18 and working during a gap year I paid £350 a month keep and paid the houses council tax (as my parents were on benefits so me working meant a new bill which I was responsible for) and the prospect of someone paying for me to go travelling would of been laughable. This was 15 years ago. You certainly aren’t asking too much at £20 per week!! He needs bringing into the real world by the sounds of it! Sorry OP

Krneki · 20/09/2023 21:31

Divide your expenses by 3, you pay for 2/3 and pays for his third. Fair and square. (Assuming your other kid is still in school)
You can then decide whether you'll save that money for when he goes to uni and/or travel.

This should teach him that nothing is free when adult

Creamteasandbumblebees · 20/09/2023 22:22

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

He's not a child though, is he? He's an 18 year old adult man who is being a layabout and treating his Mother like dirt!

CM1897 · 21/09/2023 09:37

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:38

Stick to your guns OP, he sounds entitled and needs to grow up. £20 a week is being kind. I think I paid my mum £50 a week many years ago and was happy to contribute to the bills and would clean, cook etc from a young age. She was a single parent too and I'd never disrespect her like your son is doing to you.

I was the same, I paid £50 per week when I was 17 (19 years ago) and I bought my own food

CM1897 · 21/09/2023 09:43

I think it’s great your parents have held back the £2000 until he deserves it and will spend it wisely. I’d be devastated if I gave my hard earned money to my grandchild and the just wasted it.

what happened last night?

Mumof2boys999 · 21/09/2023 11:42

Not unreasonable to charge up to 50% of his net take home pay. He needs to understand that life is not a free ride. Even if he was on benefits, I'd be expecting the same input. Life is hard, you don't have to shoulder the whole burden when there are other ADULTS in the house.