To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

Totally agreed

I agree, but they key word here is IF.

Your husband isn’t a wallet, eg an inanimate object with no agency. You can’t ‘take’ someone’s husband unwillingly!

No one is saying you have to be besties with the OW but your husband is ultimately to blame for ruining your marriage if he has an affair.

People that say that have obviously never had their world imploded by cheating. I wasted the whole of my 20s with someone who convinced me to move across the country to be closer his affair partner.

She knew about me and just didn't care so yes. I did blame her as well. They pair of them robbed me of something I will never get back.

Surely you can't "take" a person though? If someone tried to "take" me I'd tell them to fuck off.

Also, yes.

If they know, it's an unethical way to act. I think probably the harassing and malicious examples are only a small subset - women with simpler tales are less likely to post.

Sometimes the vitriol seems mostly focused on the OW, not the cheating OH. Probably because there's still some love towards the OH, which is warping the image. Still, most of the blame in most situations belongs to the cheating party, not the partner they cheated with.

Absolutely agree. Your husband is the primary one to blame, but if the OW is aware of the circumstances and yet chooses to act in that way, she’s a bitch.

Agree that a wallet is an inanimate object, and its slightly offensive to assume that it has the same level of autonomy as a man.

Yes it’s fine to blame the OW as well, both parties are accountable for their actions. Some women are vile and don’t think anything of helping to ruin a marriage/family. I have seen women flirting with men they know are married, it’s grim and I think it’s fine to judge them accordingly.

I agree it's bad behaviour to actively attempt to seduce a married man. However why can't be just say no and walk away?
You can judge women for flirting etc and think they shouldn't do it. But I think the actual "blame" lies with the man who didn't walk away.

The situation in my mind this morning is everyone's favourite adulterer: Matt Hancock. Of "I just fell in love" fame.

I understand she was married too, but had she not been so, I literally can't IMAGINE taking a job working for some loser from university who used to fancy me and getting it on with him at work with his wife and kids at home.

I just don't buy that these women are not objectively shit people.

Aside from anything else, they're actually attracted to a cheater. Who on earth would want that?

I think it provides them with an ego boost - that they are somehow irresistible. When the truth is that the man in question is just a thin egoed twat.

Let's be honest here as women: be really honest. Think about the married men in your circle: friends husbands, dad's from the school run, men at the gym.

Do you really believe that if you started paying them attention, flirting, acting vulnerable and besotted and trying to spend time with them that you personally couldn't start plenty of affairs?

I think I could!

Often BOTH people - the cheater and the person they cheated with have personality disorders - so yes the OW is also to blame

Yes, it's unethical and they can certainly be blamed for their behaviour. You can't sleep with someone and then expect to not be held accountable.

But they are not to blame for the husband's behaviour, or for the breakdown of the marriage really. Let's be honest, if it hadn't been her, it would probably have been someone else. I doubt any man who has an affair was perfect before and would have remained faithful for life if this particular woman hadn't come and stolen him away.

Surely both are to blame.
If the woman didn't 'know' then she should dump him when she does find out.
You reap what you sow

What if the OW didn't know and only finds out when the wife does and the marriage ends? Is she still to blame?

Shit people, yes. To blame for your husband being unfaithful? No.

Agreed.

The analogy buys into the idea 'well he wouldn’t have done it if it wasn't for her'

That still demonstrates that he didn't care enough about his wife or his marriage to resist her 'advances'. He's not a victim seduced, he's a man that made clear choices over and over again.

Affairs don't just happen. There are clear instances of repeated boundary crossing in the lead up when at any time he could have thought it had gone too far, it was inappropriate at least and betraying his marriage but he carries on.

Encouraging the OW and continuing to engage with her because he likes the attention, the validation, the escape from his life, the sex or whatever.

The OW may be a shitty person but she may not be.

But ultimately, she's not the one betraying the DH marriage, he is.

But she's a convenient avenue for the rage of the DW. Obviously so. And is usually treated with more contempt by the DW than the DH, because the DW has an existing knowledge of the DH and has a relationship with him so her views of him are different.

Also, no DW really knows what the DH has told the OW.

I doubt any man who has an affair was perfect before and would have remained faithful for life if this particular woman hadn't come and stolen him away

I don’t agree on that. I think many affairs begin because the other person is seducing. Of course the acceptance is down to the spouse, but I think the minute you start sending messages to, or flirting with a married man, you are in the wrong.

An affair is often filling a void for a stupid person who has issues of their own and succumbs to the temptation provided. I think a lot of people who have affairs aren't looking for an affair.

They just get swept up in the positive feelings of attention and it takes very poor character to not nip that in the bud immediately.

Do you really believe that if you started paying them attention, flirting, acting vulnerable and besotted and trying to spend time with them that you personally couldn't start plenty of affairs?

Men are capable of saying no. What you are basically saying is women have to behave impeccably so men don't stray. No men are responsible for cheating, that doesn't mean the woman is innocent but that men are responsible for their own actions.

The thing is, if it wasn't that OW, it would be someone else. It could be anyone.

I do have contempt for any woman who knowingly gets into a relationship with a married man. My issue is when misogynistic words like "home wrecker" and "slag" come into play.

IRL I feel like the OW often gets blamed more than the man.

My SIL blamed the OW more than her ex, incidently the OW was very cruel towards SIL and revelled in her pain, but her ex had form and was a heartless bastard too. The OW was an acquaintance of my SIL and SIL had invited her to a party where she ended up leaving with SILs fiance and started a relationship behind her back with him. She was really delighting in it and told a mutual friend who then told SIL.

The old saying you lose them like you find them was right in this case. He moved on with the OW, had several kids with her, cheated on her throughout their marriage and has now left her high and dry with several kids and pays no CS.

10 years on SIL still blames the OW and its like her ex is some angel, she believes any old sob story he gives her. I can't bear the man.

It’s healthier to focus on your cheating ex spouse only and then do what you need to do to move on. You cannot absolutely know what the circumstances are around the other person or the narrative she was given. You will drive yourself to distraction trying to find out and what purpose will it serve.

I agree that both are to blame in many circumstances. When my ex had a ( very long, 2 years) affair with my supposed best friend , yes indeed she was to blame just as much as he was. She continued to act as my friend , presumably as a cover in case people saw them together . So yes I held them both to blame for what they did - the betrayal was doubly painful when I realised that his affair partner was her ! I divorced him 20 years ago but I still get the rage when I think of both of them.

The OW/OM actions can be cruel in their own right. I think it is perfectly fine to think they’re A Cunt I’d they are.

Disagree. The one to blame is the one who is cheating.