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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

898 replies

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 11:59

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

OP posts:
LittleRedYarny · 17/09/2023 13:08

Kettletoast · 17/09/2023 12:10

Often BOTH people - the cheater and the person they cheated with have personality disorders - so yes the OW is also to blame

I’m not sure this is very true, yes some people who are the cheater or the OW may be narcissists but I don’t think you can make such sweeping generalisations. I know some people who were the cheaters or the OW and probably only one would be considered a narcissist, the rest were just your average people - a half good and half bad.

user159 · 17/09/2023 13:09

This happened to me. Our marriage was in a bad place and I expect we would have divorced anyway BUT she knew he was married with a small child and things were tough. If anything separating and now having to share my child with that woman is the hardest thing.

As I said, our marriage was in trouble but it could have ended differently, hopefully more amicability. I will never understand how she knew he was lying to me and our child and still went on with it - that makes me question her as a person especially now she's a part of my child's life.

Nothing is black and white unfortunately.

Original poster
Kingofx · 17/09/2023 13:10

Some of these philosophies seem so mired in contradiction.

I'm not talking about OW who didn't know. I'm talking about the instigators. The ones who are told to go away and refuse to.

Real "feminism" to me is offering good, decent, moralistic people (of any gender) the objective right to absolutely despise and blame the selfish prick that went for their spouse.

I can't bear women being told their misogynistic for being absolutely fuming at the OW. What a poor reflection on women to think that the ones who flutter their eyelids and send photos of their undercarriage to married men aren't just, well, shit people.

I don't think I'd ever be susceptible to an affair, because I wouldn't be susceptible to love bombing or phony flattery or getting a thrill from being pursued.

A lot of people would be. I can't picture myself locating a married one and ultimately bringing out the worst

No one has said anywhere the cheater isn't to blame. Actually the title of the poll says to ALSO blame the OW.

I say go ahead.

Independent of your shut spouse, there is also a seperrate adult human being involved and if they've knowingly taken action to harm you, your kids, your life for what they see as personal gain - then more power to you. Blame the fucker!

OP posts:
BonnyHonny · 17/09/2023 13:10

neommear · 17/09/2023 12:49

I don't know why people care if someone blames the OW even more than their husband, it doesn't affect anyone who isn't an OW, although the husband should obviously be left too and I disagree with staying with a man AND blaming the OW. Never been in that situation, just don't see why people care if a woman who has been cheated on has more rage towards the OW than her husband, it doesn't affect you unless you're an OW

No. It effects all women.

It's the idea that men just can't control who they penetrate if they are ever given an opportunity to. Which has more sinister implications in regards to hareasment, sexual assault, and rape.

That they are weak creatures who would be faithful if they weren't ever given an opportunity to not be. That if women weren't willing, or just flirty and crossing boundaries then affairs wouldn't happen.

Because of course, men find it almost impossible to say 'sorry I'm married, let's not meet up secretly, let's not text without my DW knowledge, let's not share emotions as I'm married, let's not carry on with all of these things till we're having sex. I love my wife and don't want to lose her, I don't love you, I don't want this". But they do ..

And the women are usually considered to be predatory, slutty, home-wreckers, bitches etc because it's impossible in some peoples eyes that men could NOT have sex when it was offered or implied by flirtation or text messages suggesting a woman might just fuck them. And they (DH) might just get away with it and fuck another woman without being caught out.

Ohpleeeease · 17/09/2023 13:11

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 12:14

What if the OW didn't know and only finds out when the wife does and the marriage ends? Is she still to blame?

Show quote history

Depends what she does next.

GoryBory · 17/09/2023 13:12

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 17/09/2023 12:01

Your husband isn’t a wallet, eg an inanimate object with no agency. You can’t ‘take’ someone’s husband unwillingly!

No one is saying you have to be besties with the OW but your husband is ultimately to blame for ruining your marriage if he has an affair.

Absolutely this!

A women could persue a married man as much as she wants but it’s that man who chooses whether to cheat on HIS wife.

When a man cheats the OW gets as much (often more of the blame).

When a woman cheats she gets 100% of the blame.

Of course you’re not going to like the OW but it was your husband that chose her over you.
No one forced him to do this. It was completely his choice.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/09/2023 13:14

The OW knew my ex was married and gave as much of a shit as he did. I absolutely blame them both.

Branleuse · 17/09/2023 13:15

I think that there are so many variables as to who is the most to blame, but its a bit odd to be surprised that people hate people that have fucked them over or treated them with contempt. They might not have owed you any special kindness due to not being in a relationship with you themselves, but if they knowingly get involved in another couples lives like that, then they deserve all the shit they get

Gowlett · 17/09/2023 13:15

Beezknees, yes. I wasn’t even that young, just stupid.

neommear · 17/09/2023 13:17

@Beezknees Your post went really far away from the original topic and I don't think most of it has much relevance to what cheated on women actually feel and think.

I don't think most cheated on women think these things, I think they're angry that their husband had sex with another woman, and blame the penetrated party too. Not that their husband was unable to resist, or that he was the victim of some type of predator, or that if other women didn't exist her husband would have been faithful, it's just pure anger towards both parties. You're trying to turn it into a feminism thing, and blaming a woman's rage towards another woman for contributing to women being raped and seen as sluts and it's not that. A woman has a right to be angry at whoever she wants, her stifling rage towards the OW isn't going to lower rape statistics.

SoupDragon · 17/09/2023 13:17

GoryBory · 17/09/2023 13:12

Absolutely this!

A women could persue a married man as much as she wants but it’s that man who chooses whether to cheat on HIS wife.

When a man cheats the OW gets as much (often more of the blame).

When a woman cheats she gets 100% of the blame.

Of course you’re not going to like the OW but it was your husband that chose her over you.
No one forced him to do this. It was completely his choice.

Show quote history

That doesn't make her blameless.

It's perfectly possible for two people to be at fault you know.

The OW knew my ex had a wife and two children at home. It makes him a wanker and her a bitch.

Cowlover89 · 17/09/2023 13:18

Yanbu but only if the OW knew about the wife

jays · 17/09/2023 13:18

whilst I don’t agree or disagree with your post, my feelings are mixed , you can steal a wallet, you cannot steal a husband.

Thisismynewusername1 · 17/09/2023 13:18

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 13:10

Some of these philosophies seem so mired in contradiction.

I'm not talking about OW who didn't know. I'm talking about the instigators. The ones who are told to go away and refuse to.

Real "feminism" to me is offering good, decent, moralistic people (of any gender) the objective right to absolutely despise and blame the selfish prick that went for their spouse.

I can't bear women being told their misogynistic for being absolutely fuming at the OW. What a poor reflection on women to think that the ones who flutter their eyelids and send photos of their undercarriage to married men aren't just, well, shit people.

I don't think I'd ever be susceptible to an affair, because I wouldn't be susceptible to love bombing or phony flattery or getting a thrill from being pursued.

A lot of people would be. I can't picture myself locating a married one and ultimately bringing out the worst

No one has said anywhere the cheater isn't to blame. Actually the title of the poll says to ALSO blame the OW.

I say go ahead.

Independent of your shut spouse, there is also a seperrate adult human being involved and if they've knowingly taken action to harm you, your kids, your life for what they see as personal gain - then more power to you. Blame the fucker!

How do you know how she behaved though? Other than what your husband tells you?

in both my cases I am portrayed as the “ow”. I am sure people believe I chased these poor innocent men and somehow forced them into an affair.

in one case i rebuffed him, because morals. That is not what he told his wife.

in the other it was her that had the affair, and has chosen to paint herself as the innocent party by placing the blame on me as the “ow”.

if you were friends or family of these people you would believe them wouldn’t you? That an unscrupulous, unprincipled harlot stole their men.

nobody’s contacting me to find out what actually happened. Quite a few people just cut me off and didn’t speak to me after my “behaviour”.

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 13:19

neommear · 17/09/2023 13:17

@Beezknees Your post went really far away from the original topic and I don't think most of it has much relevance to what cheated on women actually feel and think.

I don't think most cheated on women think these things, I think they're angry that their husband had sex with another woman, and blame the penetrated party too. Not that their husband was unable to resist, or that he was the victim of some type of predator, or that if other women didn't exist her husband would have been faithful, it's just pure anger towards both parties. You're trying to turn it into a feminism thing, and blaming a woman's rage towards another woman for contributing to women being raped and seen as sluts and it's not that. A woman has a right to be angry at whoever she wants, her stifling rage towards the OW isn't going to lower rape statistics.

It is a feminism thing to an extent. It's the whole "home wrecker" perception.

daliesque · 17/09/2023 13:19

Serious question. Do you respect your partner? I just think people who have affairs are so cowardly, I don't think I could be attracted to someone who was that spineless.

Yes of course I respect him. I am still attracted to him, love him dearly and he is certainly neither spineless or a coward.

He just happened to fall out of love with someone and fall in love with someone else before he'd had chance to extricate himself from his marriage. I obviously know his version of what his marriage was like and it was very much a case of growing apart and realising that once the kids left home there was nothing left.

Original poster
Kingofx · 17/09/2023 13:20

@BonnyHonny honestly I despair. As I've said, I've been part of infidelity groups and heard the stories.

I've never, not once, in all that time heard a man say to another man "please don't blame the other man and speak insultingly about him". They instinctively know that if a man is texting your wife, flattering her, deliberately going out of his way to screw up your life - then he deserves no respect, no kindness, no moderation of thought.

Women can be shit people.

There's nowt misogynistic about despising or blaming one that has hurt you.

This idea that we have to dictate to women how they feel about or express themselves regarding the OW is really disappointing.

OP posts:
Dwappy · 17/09/2023 13:21

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 13:10

Some of these philosophies seem so mired in contradiction.

I'm not talking about OW who didn't know. I'm talking about the instigators. The ones who are told to go away and refuse to.

Real "feminism" to me is offering good, decent, moralistic people (of any gender) the objective right to absolutely despise and blame the selfish prick that went for their spouse.

I can't bear women being told their misogynistic for being absolutely fuming at the OW. What a poor reflection on women to think that the ones who flutter their eyelids and send photos of their undercarriage to married men aren't just, well, shit people.

I don't think I'd ever be susceptible to an affair, because I wouldn't be susceptible to love bombing or phony flattery or getting a thrill from being pursued.

A lot of people would be. I can't picture myself locating a married one and ultimately bringing out the worst

No one has said anywhere the cheater isn't to blame. Actually the title of the poll says to ALSO blame the OW.

I say go ahead.

Independent of your shut spouse, there is also a seperrate adult human being involved and if they've knowingly taken action to harm you, your kids, your life for what they see as personal gain - then more power to you. Blame the fucker!

I'm talking about the instigators. The ones who are told to go away and refuse to.
If someone truly won't go away after being told no and being blocked on every communication method I would suggest calling the police as that is harassment. The answer is not to start an affair with them.

BonnyHonny · 17/09/2023 13:22

SoupDragon · 17/09/2023 13:17

That doesn't make her blameless.

It's perfectly possible for two people to be at fault you know.

The OW knew my ex had a wife and two children at home. It makes him a wanker and her a bitch.

Show quote history

Hypothetically - why?

If he's fucking someone else he's either in a bad relationship which he doesn't want to be in and telling her that.

Or he's an asshole emotionally abusing and manipulating 2 women and lying to them both.

So why is she a bitch?

neommear · 17/09/2023 13:22

@Beezknees Excluding women who had absolutely idea about the man's marital or relationship status, who are completely blameless (but women still have a right to be angry towards them, it's completely normal) Isn't a woman who knowingly has sex with a man with a wife and possibly kids a home wrecker? There are millions of dicks out there, and she ignored morality and chose the one with a partner? Or with children?

daliesque · 17/09/2023 13:25

There are millions of dicks out there, and she ignored morality and chose the one with a partner?

Ahh, you see some of us see men as actual real human beings, not just dicks.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 13:26

neommear · 17/09/2023 13:22

@Beezknees Excluding women who had absolutely idea about the man's marital or relationship status, who are completely blameless (but women still have a right to be angry towards them, it's completely normal) Isn't a woman who knowingly has sex with a man with a wife and possibly kids a home wrecker? There are millions of dicks out there, and she ignored morality and chose the one with a partner? Or with children?

Isn't a woman who knowingly has sex with a man with a wife and possibly kids a home wrecker?

I would say no. He is. It's his home. He is meant to be loyal to it. If he'd have said no nothing would be wrecked. If she'd have drugged him and slept with him she'd be to blame. But then that wouldn't be an affair. He actively chose to sleep with her and not just block or ignore her. So he is the home wrecker. He had choices.

StormInaDcup99 · 17/09/2023 13:26

I agree OP

I was seeing a guy for best part of a year. I look back now and there were so many red flags. But he had told me he and his wife were no longer together. I naively believed him.

By doing a bit of snooping I found out he was in fact married. Honestly broke my heart as we were clearly smitten w each other.

If I had known he was married I would not have gone near him with a barge pole, but he fooled me. I chose not to tell his wife even though I often felt like it....

I still think about him a lot. Not sure I'll ever get him out of my head

WhateverIdo · 17/09/2023 13:27

Why so black and white? The world is grey.

OW are not shit people entirely. They're not generally bad or defective, but in this instance their behaviour isn't great. Doesn't mean the are inherently bad people, human emotions are complex.

Dontcallmescarface · 17/09/2023 13:29

Well in ExDH's case they were both equally to blame as they each knew the other was married with kids.