Page 2 | To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

Kingofx · 2023-09-17T10:59:11+00:00

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse" I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person. I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW. People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice. I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt. AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 12:18

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 12:15

I doubt any man who has an affair was perfect before and would have remained faithful for life if this particular woman hadn't come and stolen him away

I don’t agree on that. I think many affairs begin because the other person is seducing. Of course the acceptance is down to the spouse, but I think the minute you start sending messages to, or flirting with a married man, you are in the wrong.

An affair is often filling a void for a stupid person who has issues of their own and succumbs to the temptation provided. I think a lot of people who have affairs aren't looking for an affair.

They just get swept up in the positive feelings of attention and it takes very poor character to not nip that in the bud immediately.

That's misogynistic, again, and making excuses for poor male behaviour. Poor menz who can't possibly resist being seduced by a woman.

Islandsadness · 17/09/2023 12:18

There's a difference between thinking they are a shit person/have bad morals etc and blaming them for your marriage breaking up. Only your spouse is to blame for that.

WandaWonder · 17/09/2023 12:19

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 12:04

Surely you can't "take" a person though? If someone tried to "take" me I'd tell them to fuck off.

You put it so much better that I could bit this, I am sick of the 'poor wittle man he can't use his brain he knows not what he does'

CinnamonBear · 17/09/2023 12:19

The OW has betrayed no vows. Anger towards her isn't going to help. It's not going to change anything.

Better to direct it towards your husband and not forget that it was his choice to be unfaithful.

(Also, I don't think OW, once outted, get an easy ride. They aren't exactly tolerated are they?)

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 12:21

In what universe does OW not get blamed? They take much more flack than the actual cheating partner more often than not.

No one can be stolen. Men have agency. Some of them use it to fuck people other than their partners and wives. It's a choice.

FiddleLeaf · 17/09/2023 12:21

I think the blame for the infidelity lies solely with your husbands/wives. They made that decision without tricks or hypnotism.

Too right you can be cross & upset with the OW/OM for their behaviour.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 17/09/2023 12:23

I agree with you.

I think it’s a backlash against the misogynistic idea that the OW is a ‘homewrecker’ and the man involved is just a helpless penis with no agency. Obviously that’s not correct. But it doesn’t mean that the OW is completely absolved of any responsibility.

I’ve never flirted/kissed/had sex with a married man. And I can say with a high degree of confidence that I never will - at least not knowingly. I’ve no interest in doing it and it’s one of the standards I’ve set for my own behaviour.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 12:24

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 12:18

That's misogynistic, again, and making excuses for poor male behaviour. Poor menz who can't possibly resist being seduced by a woman.

Show quote history

This. The poor, poor men. Unbelievable.

Callyem · 17/09/2023 12:25

The OW is irrelevant. We need to stop this narrative that men wouldn't cheat if they weren't pursued/given the option. The ones who want to lie, use prostitutes, target vulnerable & insecure women.

Save your anger for the person who has made a commitment to you and broken it.

BonnyHonny · 17/09/2023 12:26

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 12:15

The thing is, if it wasn't that OW, it would be someone else. It could be anyone.

I do have contempt for any woman who knowingly gets into a relationship with a married man. My issue is when misogynistic words like "home wrecker" and "slag" come into play.

That's my point of view.

If your husband doesn't care enough about you or your marriage that he can be 'led astray' then either it's a bad marriage or he's a bad person you don't want to be married to.

As adults, we're supposed to resist things that we know are bad or damaging for us or other people.

If your marriage is based on the idea that your DH is only with you or committed to you because he hasn't been tempted by someone else or offered extra-marital emotional or sexual input, that's not a great marriage. Or your DH is just generally unappealing or unattractive.

Scarlettpixie · 17/09/2023 12:27

I blame the OW as well as my ex. She knew he was married. When I found out about them (we both think she orchestrated me finding out) he ended it with her she continued to text him, invite him over, just wanted to be friends etc. in the end I gave him an ultimatum. No contact or we are done, he chose her (after getting caught out). Classic wanting to have his cake and eat it. With hindsight there would have been a lot to forgive and we probably wouldn’t have made it work but she knew he was married with a child and he said was trying to make it work with me. She actively chased after him and appeared to put up with any amount of shit - he ended it and went NC a couple of times with her causing her great upset only to relent. Ultimately her persistence worked out for her.

So yes, in similar circumstances it is perfectly fine to blame them both.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 17/09/2023 12:27

I think women who cheat with married men are horrible, selfish, people, however I will never subscribe to the notion that it's their fault that your husband/partner cheated, that one rests solely with the husband/partner.

All the she pursued him, seduced him, handed it to him on a plate crap....he's still the asshole that chose not to turn her down.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 12:28

The person wearing the wedding ring is responsible for saying no to all others. That's what the marriage vows say, "forsaking all others".

It is courteous for other people to see the ring and back off, warning others is what the ring is for, but the responsibility for fidelity is on the ringwearer.

And yes, I have been cheated on.

RudsyFarmer · 17/09/2023 12:28

Yep. Blame both of them. Blame society too who accepts men walking away from their responsibilities.

PickleDig · 17/09/2023 12:30

Yanbu. OW behaviour is despicable if she knew he was married. The spouse is by far the worse of the pair, but OW should have found someone single.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 12:31

Scarlettpixie · 17/09/2023 12:27

I blame the OW as well as my ex. She knew he was married. When I found out about them (we both think she orchestrated me finding out) he ended it with her she continued to text him, invite him over, just wanted to be friends etc. in the end I gave him an ultimatum. No contact or we are done, he chose her (after getting caught out). Classic wanting to have his cake and eat it. With hindsight there would have been a lot to forgive and we probably wouldn’t have made it work but she knew he was married with a child and he said was trying to make it work with me. She actively chased after him and appeared to put up with any amount of shit - he ended it and went NC a couple of times with her causing her great upset only to relent. Ultimately her persistence worked out for her.

So yes, in similar circumstances it is perfectly fine to blame them both.

But, if he really wanted to make the marriage work why couldn't he just block her number? Stop texting back. Ignore her. The fact he left for her shows he didn't really want to make it work. She's not to blame for that. He is. He allowed it to continue and then eventually left for her.
You say she knew he was married with a child. Well didn't he know this as well? He's the married one trying to make a marriage work. Making it work would involve him blocking her. But he didn't do that. So he is to blame.
She may be a terrible person. But she isn't to blame.

Usedandhurt · 17/09/2023 12:33

OP I think the want to assign blame to the OW attached to the idea that she has gotten off Scot free whilst you and your family are left decimated. The issue with that is that some would argue that she has committed no crime against the wife/family - the husband has as he made promises he didn’t keep.

whilst it’s fair to have less the favourable feelings towards the OW I don’t think it’s reasonable to blame her. The husband decide to have sex /affair outside of the marriage- the OW owes no one anything- sad but true.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/09/2023 12:33

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 17/09/2023 12:28

The person wearing the wedding ring is responsible for saying no to all others. That's what the marriage vows say, "forsaking all others".

It is courteous for other people to see the ring and back off, warning others is what the ring is for, but the responsibility for fidelity is on the ringwearer.

And yes, I have been cheated on.

A lot of men don't wear the ring or remove it when out.

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 12:33

Scarlettpixie · 17/09/2023 12:27

I blame the OW as well as my ex. She knew he was married. When I found out about them (we both think she orchestrated me finding out) he ended it with her she continued to text him, invite him over, just wanted to be friends etc. in the end I gave him an ultimatum. No contact or we are done, he chose her (after getting caught out). Classic wanting to have his cake and eat it. With hindsight there would have been a lot to forgive and we probably wouldn’t have made it work but she knew he was married with a child and he said was trying to make it work with me. She actively chased after him and appeared to put up with any amount of shit - he ended it and went NC a couple of times with her causing her great upset only to relent. Ultimately her persistence worked out for her.

So yes, in similar circumstances it is perfectly fine to blame them both.

Well, he wasn't committed to making it work with you, was he? He could have blocked her number and gone NC. When you told him to do that, he chose her. He didn't give a stuff about making it work with you. You're well rid.

Superlegs · 17/09/2023 12:33

I think there is a small minority of women that pursue married men and they deserve contempt.
The rest are mostly vulnerable women, often much younger, that have been manipulated and lied to by a married man. I think women married to such men struggle to accept they are married to such a sleaze ball, so try to blame the ow.
I have experienced cheating, so understand how it devastating it is, but throughout I understood the blame rested at the feet of ex dh, not the naive fool that did me a favour by taking him off my hands.

TeenLifeMum · 17/09/2023 12:34

I never understand the “it’s the husband who’s cheating as the woman didn’t make any promises” line. The kind of women who knowingly have affairs are not nice people. It takes two to tango. I would say it’s the spouse who is most to blame (dh has had 2 women try to seduce him and managed to say no very clearly) but that doesn’t mean the woman is blameless.

FoxClocks · 17/09/2023 12:34

There are also a lot of cases where the cheating husband has made out the marriage isn't working out and his wife treats him terribly but for some reason he can't quite leave her just yet, but he will do soon.

Gowlett · 17/09/2023 12:34

I agree. I’ve made mistakes in life, like everybody.
But the only episode I wish to entirely erase, is being with a married man. I absolutely regret it, and I’m glad I dumped him. He suggested leaving his wife & us having a baby. Jesus…

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 12:36

Gowlett · 17/09/2023 12:34

I agree. I’ve made mistakes in life, like everybody.
But the only episode I wish to entirely erase, is being with a married man. I absolutely regret it, and I’m glad I dumped him. He suggested leaving his wife & us having a baby. Jesus…

Out of interest, did he feed you the whole story of an unhappy marriage, only together for the kids, etc? It seems like a lot of men trot this one out.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/09/2023 12:36

Cause it is. It is lazy and disingenuous to say otherwise. Of course the person who made vows to you is the main one accountable, but we all have a social contract to each other, and pursuing or even allowing yourself to be pursued by someone married breaks that.