Page 5 | To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

Kingofx · 2023-09-17T10:59:11+00:00

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse" I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person. I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW. People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice. I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt. AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

CottonGoods · 17/09/2023 13:31

There are millions of dicks out there, and she ignored morality and chose the one with a partner?

Do you honestly see other people as nothing more than genitals?

glitterintheforest · 17/09/2023 13:31

In some cases the OW is completely unaware the man is married etc then I wouldn't blame her (I reckon that's barely the case though)

I think OW are downright selfish and cruel. And any self respecting woman would tell the man, when he's separated from his wife and lives separate then he should approach her again but until then no. Then the Ow would know if the man genuinely thought his marriage was over.

I remember along time ago when I was 21, I fancied a married man. But that was it. A crush. I remember feeling flattered when he paid me a compliment and asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner. I declined. He sent me a BBM message (long time ago) saying his marriage was for show blah blah blah and he's working on leaving. I told him that in the future if he had divorced then maybe we could explore. Otherwise I don't feel comfortable with the situation and he should talk to his wife how he feels.

I never spoke to him again and I thought that was the normal way to handle these things.

Ow let the man have his cake and eat it for I don't know what reason. Plenty of single men in the world.

neommear · 17/09/2023 13:34

@Dwappy It's his home, and if he's willing to do that it's going to be wrecked anyway, but I don't see anything wrong with calling women who go along with it homewreckers when it's as simple as taking a choice to say no to his advances and letting someone else be the OW. It's an easy enough predicament to avoid.

Marblessolveeverything · 17/09/2023 13:35

It boils down to the person who is in a commited relationship breaking a vow. The OW hasn't broken a vow to you.

I am sick of the narrative from some women, "if she hadn't have thrown herself at him, it wouldn't have happened". Really, he is that pliable, values his marriage that little he couldn't "help himself" .

The blame is with the partners. The OW doesn't owe you anything.

Not OW, had one destroy my mother but completely blame my father. Nobody can make someone break avow.

NoTouch · 17/09/2023 13:35

You can't blame the OW for breaking your relationship that is solely on your partner.

You can blame her for making a devastating time even more a difficult. You can rip her to shreds on her character, but you can't blame her for the actual infidelity by your partner.

X6hfyib4ms · 17/09/2023 13:35

100 percent this.

Yes my husband broke his vows. But she started having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife, and two other very young children.

And yes she knew he was married, that I was pregnant and had the other two children as they were work colleagues at an organisation where a lot of the people working there also knew me.

So yes. She is complicit.

In the ten commandments two relate to adultery - one is not to commit adultery and one is not to covet another man's wife. Not religious but I think that shows that it is a very established view in society that both parties are doing something wrong.

namechanging1212 · 17/09/2023 13:36

My mother blamed the ow as if my poor father was the victim. They stuck together and 20 years later and countless affairs after my mother thank fuck finally divorced my father. The first thing I said to my mother is you should have kicked his sorry ass 20 years ago. The first ow he was caught with was never the problem, my father was.

For me personally if DH does this, my rage, anger and disappointment would be at him and not at the ow. The ow if she knows she's being involved with a married guy just shows she has no morals and is a cruel person no different to DH who has broken the marriage and both deserve each other.

GolgafrinchamB · 17/09/2023 13:37

This is so misogynistic, OP. You're infantalising men to excuse their behaviour.

No one can "steal" a spouse or partner. No one can seduce a faithful partner away. These men have agency and commitments, they aren't puppy dogs chasing after a string of sausages.

Having a relationship/affair with someone who is married doesn't fit my personal moral code, but lots of people don't feel that way. A friend having an affair with your spouse would be a hateful betrayal of that friendship but some random woman doesn't owe you anything.

The person in the wrong is the one who threw his family away for a shag.

Original poster

Kingofx · 17/09/2023 13:37

How do you know how she behaved though? Other than what your husband tells you?

Are you asking me personally? This was fifteen years ago and I'm happily married to someone else now.

However while I appreciate you were seemingly innocent, please don't let that lead you to believe everyone is. The vast, vast majority of affair partners are well aware their object of affection is married.

In my case it was particularly cut and dried. I was given access to his email account where I was able to read the entire thing unfold in real time.

He was emailing normally, and she was flirting, trying to get personal, trying to get involved with him outside work. Eg: "Sam says you know about cars...I don't suppose you could pop down after work and look at mine as the brakes were sticking this morning"

On and on, for months. Popping into his office with little gifts. Hitting on him at work events. Eventually befriending him and providing him with emotional support when his Mum died.

I then was able to read after the sex, him saying how much he regretted it and could they please just be close friends. Then late night messages begging him to just see her because she "needed him", laced with threats to expose him.

So in my case I know how she behaved because I saw it. I also endured her on my doorstep, at my workplace, calling my home and harassing my children at school because she was a complete cunt of a human who couldn't accept when he said he wanted nothing to do with her.

We didn't end up divorced because he was unfaithful. We ended up divorced because she wouldn't leave our family in peace an eventually he became extremely ill and had to give up his job and so on.

I realise that's a particularly bad cases, but time and time again I see these characteristics in OW. A lack of empathy. Entitlement. Complete inability to behave with decency.

Hence I completely despair at the way a lot of these threads try and make out women have no right to blame or be angry.

Let them blame if they feel they've been wronged.

OP posts:

Thementalloadisreal · 17/09/2023 13:38

Depends on the situation entirely. Quite often the OW is misled by the man, “we haven’t been happy for years / only together for the kids” etc.

Even without him saying anything the OW would presumably think she’s in the right as he’s “happy” with her and not the wife. Whether it’s true or not.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 17/09/2023 13:40

The OW has always owed you shit, unless she was a friend or family member.

Yes, this sounds very cool. The only problem with it is that if everyone thought like that about everything - ie that there’s no need to consider the impact of your behaviour on others unless you’re friends with them or related to them - then our society would be an unbearable place to live.

Thementalloadisreal · 17/09/2023 13:40

Also don’t love the idea that a woman can somehow control a man’s behaviour, brainwash or trick him into cheating. Men deserve more credit than that and should be willing to take more personal responsibility than that.

gogomoto · 17/09/2023 13:41

Sorry I disagree, it takes two to tango, women can only have affairs with men who are willing. Obviously unsolicited messaging etc are not the same but a full on affair, no men are to blame, though women are wrong for continuing if they are aware that they are the ow

Echobelly · 17/09/2023 13:44

I'd agree it's very poor form if OW knows.

I do sometimes see people going 'Oh well the OW should have known!' which I think is unfair, I don't think anyone ever expects to be the other women and, unless things get really overcomplicated, men can come up for plausible reasons they're non-contactable/unavailable at certain times and the woman has no reason to believe there's anything fishy going on.

BonnyHonny · 17/09/2023 13:49

X6hfyib4ms · 17/09/2023 13:35

100 percent this.

Yes my husband broke his vows. But she started having an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife, and two other very young children.

And yes she knew he was married, that I was pregnant and had the other two children as they were work colleagues at an organisation where a lot of the people working there also knew me.

So yes. She is complicit.

In the ten commandments two relate to adultery - one is not to commit adultery and one is not to covet another man's wife. Not religious but I think that shows that it is a very established view in society that both parties are doing something wrong.

So you don’t believe in any religion but you're quoting the 10 commandments from thousands of years ago? Without knowing what that meant at that time?

Give over..

LumpyandBumps · 17/09/2023 13:49

My exH cheated on me with a married woman and our relationship never recovered, although to be honest I was not sure if she was symptom or cause.
I never blamed her as she wasn’t the one who had pledged fidelity to me.
I thought her husband had the right to know, so did tell him.

FOJN · 17/09/2023 13:50

I think people miss the point of threads which focus on the unfaithful partner rather than the OW/OM. I have never seen anyone claim that having an affair, with someone you know is married, is a noble action

The OW doesn't give a shit about the betrayed wife. It's the unfaithful spouse who caused the hurt by betraying the trust of someone they claimed to love. It might be easier to direct anger towards the OW but it doesn't heal the hurt caused by the unfaithful spouse.

I can understand the anger in situations where the OW knew the couple before the affair began but not when it's a random who is unknown to the deceived party.

It's not a question of giving the OW an easy ride but questioning exactly what people hope to achieve by directing anger towards someone who can never make them feel better.

I'm also not a fan of trying to divide responsibility between the cheater and the OW/OM. If you marry, you make a commitment and takes vows, if you fail to live up to those promises then that is entirely on you. The vows don't only apply in ideal conditions they are meant to cover all conditions that may arise within a marriage so apart from being a fucked up, selfish and flawed human there are no other excuses you can make for infidelity if you fully understood the commitment you made when you married.

GoryBory · 17/09/2023 13:50

SoupDragon · 17/09/2023 13:17

That doesn't make her blameless.

It's perfectly possible for two people to be at fault you know.

The OW knew my ex had a wife and two children at home. It makes him a wanker and her a bitch.

Show quote history

She might be a bitch and a bad person but she’s not to blame for your ex having an affair.

He chose to cheat on you.
If it wasn’t her then it would have been someone else.

Like most women, I’ve had numerous men trying to get with me but I’ve always turned them down if I’ve been in a relationship.

It lessens the blame on the partner who cheated when the blame is shared.

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 13:51

neommear · 17/09/2023 13:22

@Beezknees Excluding women who had absolutely idea about the man's marital or relationship status, who are completely blameless (but women still have a right to be angry towards them, it's completely normal) Isn't a woman who knowingly has sex with a man with a wife and possibly kids a home wrecker? There are millions of dicks out there, and she ignored morality and chose the one with a partner? Or with children?

No. The married person is the homewrecker, no one else.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 17/09/2023 13:51

It depends on the situation. My ex told the ow he was separated. She wasn't to blame. He fooled her as well as me. It must be pretty awful to be the ow in that situation too.

Dwappy · 17/09/2023 13:52