To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

Yup. And if she 'put up with any amount of shit' than that's a shit emotionally abusive man who led someone to believe something, had sex with them, kept them on a hook and kept treating them like shit when they likely thought they loved him and he loved them.

He's an asshole and yes, well rid.

It takes 2:

50% responsibility each
(so long as the OW knows he's married, but often the OW is blindsided as well).

You absolutely cannot go and shag someone else's husband and say, well, it's on him, he's the one who's married. No - it's on you too - unless you think it's OK to shit on people (whether or not you are acquainted with them).

Now we have their women they don't have a brain it is all the big bad men's fault

The married person is to 100% to blame for cheating but I get also sick of women are never to blame for bad behaviour and it's always a man to blame either

Can a women do or act or think anything without the 'vulnerable' label added?

@Dwappy

I agree with what you say about him but whether I blame her or whether I think she is a terrible person for the role she played is just semantics.

I remember him saying that we had so much to overcome and if we couldn’t work it out he would be alone as she would have moved on, whereas with her it was like a fresh start. It is likely he fed her some bullshit in the beginning about out marriage being all but over but he seemed so desperate to make it work when I first found out. It was just a mess as these things often are.

Some ow are blameless though.

sometimes men don’t tell them they’re married or in a committed relationship. Or they tell them it’s over, they’re just saving to move out or whatever bollocks.

as a young student I was chased down by an older, more senior man. We had to go on a work trip, we got on well, I thought we were friends. Until after a year of hanging out as friends, as part of a work social group so not alone or anything, he disclosed his “love” for me and tried it on. I said no, but later realised he’d told his wife we were having an affair 🤷‍♀️

current relationship met dh after his split. His ex was living with her om and dh was at his parents when I met him. She has rewritten history and firmly believes we had an affair that broke up their marriage. So I am apparently the “ow” and blamed as such. The om meanwhile is praised for taking on the kids and being a fantastic stepdad.

don’t believe everything you hear.

I once "had an affair" with a married man that I didn't know was an affair. I admit I flirted with him a lot because i assumed he was single. He never wore a ring. He seemed very available (as in always text back at pretty much any time of day or night), was with me almost every weekend and some evenings etc. The only "red flag" should have been not going to his house. But he got round this as he lived quite far away and i didn't drive. It didn't last that long really. It lasted about 8 months. Then his wife found out. Am I to blame? I don't think so. I had no idea. I was furious when I found out. Especially when he had the cheek to blame me that "his wife threw him out because she found cinema tickets in his pocket". That was apparently my fault because I'd asked him to hold them when I went to the loo and he forgot. Looking back now I realised he always had me take the tickets to everything and always paid for meals out and other things with cash. He definitely blamed me for breaking up his marriage. No idea if she did as well. Maybe she does. But sometimes men are just arseholes who want to cheat. Any man can choose not to and say no.

It's not that it's always men to blame.
If a married woman has an affair and her marriage breaks up she is to blame rather than the OM. It's because its mainly men having affairs that men get blamed. I'm more than happy to blame a woman if she's the one having an affair.

@Beezknees

Yes you are right I am well rid.

There had been other issues in the past, just messages but I doubt we would have got over a full blown affair even if he had stayed and it would only be a matter of time before there was something else.

It just took me a while to get there.

It’s normal for people to focus their undiluted anger on the person they have no investment in.

You can be hurt beyond all belief, raging and wondering “who the fuck is this person I married ?” On the other hand you have your history with them, the bonds created over time, the hope this is not the crashing down of a large part of your life, shared family, perhaps children together. Lots of investment that leaves a human wanting somebody else to focus the bulk of their ire towards, as a protective measure so they don’t explode from suppressed emotions nor create scorched earth where the foundations of their marriage used to be.

Sometimes people need gentle help rebalancing where they are focusing the blame and anger. Because it’s leaving them wide open to future hurt from their spouse, who is playing butter doesn’t melt in the mouth department.

Sometimes you just need to sit there and hold somebody’s hand while they vent in the direction they feel safest venting at until the internal pressure comes down.

In the storm of discovering infidelity most people aren’t at their logical, rational and super reasonable best. So not really effective to keep banging on about who made promises to whom when dealing with a very wounded person trying to cope with their pain.

Adults know that if you shag somebody you know is in a relationship that you can get the frisson of forbidden fruit. And this often comes with a less tasty side serving of distain and derision if shit hits fan.

Don’t like the side dish ? Then don’t bite down on the juicy things you know you shouldn’t be nibbling.

I don't know why people care if someone blames the OW even more than their husband, it doesn't affect anyone who isn't an OW, although the husband should obviously be left too and I disagree with staying with a man AND blaming the OW. Never been in that situation, just don't see why people care if a woman who has been cheated on has more rage towards the OW than her husband, it doesn't affect you unless you're an OW

Actually it does affect us a society. It feeds into the idea of patriarchy and that women are devilish seducers and men poor victims.

That's misogynistic, again, and making excuses for poor male behaviour. Poor menz who can't possibly resist being seduced by a woman

Nonsense. There's posts already here saying the OW is often vulnerable and told their wife doesn't understand them. Yawn.

It's pretty simple: chasing after, texting, flattering, pursuing or having sex with a married person is objectively shit behavior.

Cheating obviously also is.

I absolutely agree. The spouse is absolutely to blame but if the OW went into a relationship knowing he was married then she’s hardly a blameless innocent.

What's your source for that @Kettletoast ?

I agree that it's shit behaviour. But you're basically saying that we as women should take responsibility for men cheating because they can't possibly resist us if we flirt with them? It's infantalising men.

@Kingofx I had an affair, and I don't think the OM could have been blamed for "taking me off my husband". It was my choice to slither into an affair. My husband was not the OM's responsibility.

@Beezknees No it doesn't, it's just normal human rage over being cheated on and it's going to be directed at the outside party who came into your life and disrupted things, there are alot of cases where men do the same thing if they catch their wife cheating, they'll feel compelled to go for the other man even though it was his wife that was doing the cheating. Forcing the patriarchy and feminism or whatever into all aspects of a woman's life is annoying, if someone who is cheated on wants to be angry at the person their partner cheated with, that's their business and they don't need to amend it to cure the patriarchy or the wrongs in the world.

Cheating = personality disorder? What a load of crap.

You can be angry with whoever you like. Doesn’t really change anything though does it? Personally I wouldn’t waste any more time on a husband that cheated on me, let alone giving the person he left me more any headspace.

I was the OW. I had no contact with his wife because I had no interest in her. I still don't. We've been together several years (nearly longer than they were) and have never met or had any desire to do so. She obviously bitched about me and tried to ruin my reputation, including at work, but I just let her go and eventually she got bored.

Interestingly my partner - who was the one who cheated on her and left her for another woman - got away Scot free.

Being sad over a bereavement or anxious over a job interview doesn't change anything either, it's just normal human emotion. I obviously agree the man should be left, but any anger you feel is justified imo

Yes the woman is to blame too. Sometimes the OW doesn't know about the wife for some time and sometimes people act as if the man can't help himself if it's offered and the woman tempted him away. Hopefully we are moving on from those attitudes though.

Serious question. Do you respect your partner? I just think people who have affairs are so cowardly, I don't think I could be attracted to someone who was that spineless.

Unless the OW made some kind of commitment to you previously, she isn't to blame for cheating on you, no 🙄 Your husband is to blame as he's the one who's supposed to be faithful to you. I didn't think it was that complicated, personally.

The OW has always owed you shit, unless she was a friend or family member.