To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

I can't help feeling that in a lot of cases, the two of them together, get some sort of extra thrill from the fact that they are fooling their partners, and have a secret together.

I think, at the end of the day, your spouse is the only one who owes you anything. It’s tempting to let the man off the hook and blame a woman but if he’s a cheater then he’s gonna cheat with someone.
Also you can’t assume he actually let in to the OW he was married.

I’m sorry but I will never blame the OW in my case and I certainly don’t think for a second that she threw herself at my exH and made him have an affair. 🙄 He probably told her we were miserable etc but that wasn’t untrue. They are still together now years later and married. I couldn’t give a shit, I’m just glad I’m not with him now. I do believe that in most cases affairs happen when a relationship is in trouble anyway. I probably should have left my ex years before but I didn’t for financial reasons/kids etc. Regardless of how wrong it is, many people stay in unhappy relationships longer than they should for similar reasons. This situation makes them more likely to have an affair, not a flirtatious seductress coming along to steal them.

It's also a slippery slope for me because if we're giving blokes get out of jail free cards because they were "in a bad place" and "seduced" then it gives an open to start blaming the wife for the affair too. The OW could then say well, you weren't giving the poor man what he needed so he came to me.

Exactly this!!

Why are men treated like some poor child who are forced into having sex with temptress women.

You blame her because it’s easier for you to cope with

Nonsense. I think she's objectively a terrible human being who committed horrible acts. The fact my spouse also did doesn't absolve her.

Honestly, do you think women are incapable of not trying to shag married people? Or do you think we are not accountable for our behaviour if they are married?

I'm not talking about OW who didn't know. I'm talking about the instigators. The ones who are told to go away and refuse to.

With all due respect I’m not sure the husband did a very good job of telling her to go away if he ends up sleeping with her. Are we meant to believe he was coerced?

@StoatofDisarray I was about to say the same. I wonder where all these woman are that are knowingly chasing married men and forcing then into bed. It's always the same old assumption on MN. I know the truth is a tough hard pill to swallow but a dose of reality is needed. Look closer to home!

I do think there’s a double standard as well.

men having affairs are cheating idiots who can’t keep it in their pants.

women having affairs must be unhappy in their relationship and have been driven to it because of x or y reason.

Situation dependent in my view.

Sometimes the OW doesn't know she is the OW. She isn't really to blame. Sometimes she knows about the wife but the cheating spouse gives them the speech about how they're seperated and just living together, never been intimate in years, just waiting for kids to grow up a bit and can't afford to live apart - I mean she's dumb to fall for it but again cheating spouse is actually persuing them with lies about the relationship and takes majority blame. They know OW isn't comfortable with being the OW and is convincing them they aren't.

Now if its the DH cheating with his DWs best friend? Well as far as I'm concerned that's equal blame. If its a friend/work colleague that knows they're married and persue it - cheating DH still majority to blame because they have control of their own actions but OW carries some blame too. An OW who starts off relationship believing he's single then finds out he isn't and continues relationship? Then she's carrying some blame but less than the other two. She didn't persue him setting out to be OW, but chose to continue knowing she was.

It's a spectrum - but the cheating spouse is always majority blame and should take the heat unless there is a significant relationship between affair partner and the wife.

I think, at the end of the day, your spouse is the only one who owes you anything.

This is baffling logic to me. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17. He didn't "owe" me anything. It doesn't mean I don't blame him for sexually assaulting me!!!!

This is true. There is a double standard, which there shouldn't be. Women who cheat shouldn't get a pass.

This is baffling logic to me. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17. He didn't "owe" me anything. It doesn't mean I don't blame him for sexually assaulting me!!!!

Eh ?

Of course the women should be held accountable and they are not nice people to have sex with someone in a relationship.

But they’re not to blame for the cheating because it wasn’t her that cheated, it was your husband that cheated because he wanted to.

You say she was emailing him flirting and asking him to come around but he could have said no or blocked her or put in a complaint.

He knew exactly what he was doing and he was the one pushing for an affair just as much as her.

The difference is though was that he was a married man and shouldn’t have encouraged her behaviour.

@Defiantjazz why has OPs response become so extreme? Sums up her way of thinking!

With all due respect I’m not sure the husband did a very good job of telling her to go away if he ends up sleeping with her. Are we meant to believe he was coerced?

Who said anyone was coerced?

I think there's this absolutely desperate need to claim anyone angry at the OW is absolving their spouse from blame. There isn't.

This thread is asking "is it OK that we ALSO blame the OW". Not entirely blame her, but also.

They often ARE very predatory people. They often DO lack morals. If those things weren't true they would be emailing single men instead!

Yes this.
The OW might be a cruel and calculating competitive woman without a decent bone in her body.
BUT she can't have an affair without the participation of the man. I generally find men in these situations - where they've been "tempted" by someone pursuing them - even more utterly pathetic tbh

I agree they might be a complete moral vaccuum. But an ow is essentially irrelevant. The partner alley catting it about with anyone stupid enough is the one one taking a blowtorch to their relationship, publicly humiliating their partner, usually putting health and finances at risk.

He was emailing normally, and she was flirting, trying to get personal, trying to get involved with him outside work. Eg: "Sam says you know about cars...I don't suppose you could pop down after work and look at mine as the brakes were sticking this morning"

On and on, for months. Popping into his office with little gifts. Hitting on him at work events. Eventually befriending him and providing him with emotional support when his Mum died.

So your husband had months to nip it in the bud but instead he ended up sleeping with her and you think she's to blame? I'd agree that pursuing a married man is a shit thing to do but he was clearly responding to the attention otherwise they wouldn't have ended up in a situation where it was possible for them to have sex. Presumably he isn't claiming that his penis ended up inside her after he accidentally tripped and fell on her at work?

Can you befriend someone against their will? Could he have rejected the gifts and not discussed personal issues, such as his mother's death, with her?

I just can't find sympathy for poor little mens that couldn't "do anything" than stick their dick in someone rather than respecting their partner. They're always capable of not cheating, they chose to cheat.

Let's steer away from me personally because it's not about me

*Of course the women should be held accountable and they are not nice people to have sex with someone in a relationship.

But they’re not to blame for the cheating because it wasn’t her that cheated, it was your husband that cheated because he wanted to*

Of course they are to blame. They're doing something they're aware will cause enormous trauma, pain and loss to another human being.

The fact they're not married to the person makes little odds.

If i started messaging a married man, I'd feel consumed with guilt and shame. I'd never do it.

I've never understood the passion women can muscle up for someone who is having sex with someone else at home, has a family unit and all that unifies them, joined in finances and marriage and separating that and managing to feel desired and wanted.

I'd honestly think it was a load of codswallop if a mm told me that his desire for me outweighed all of these factors.

@Kingofx quite frankly I think this way of thinking is utterly mad. How could you possibly know if it was the woman who lead the husband to cheat? I doubt OW is going to ring you up and tell you that.

The reality is in most cases you won't really know if it was OW who started the affair but the bottom line is, your husband agreed and participated actively and this is factual.

This thread is asking "is it OK that we ALSO blame the OW". Not entirely blame her, but also.

They often ARE very predatory people. They often DO lack morals. If those things weren't true they would be emailing single men instead

I think its that the idea of the immoral woman throwing herself at the hapless man just seems a bit 🙄

Even if she did peruse him knowing he was married he could have ignored her but chose not to. He is the one doing the betraying. I would be angrier with him.

Blimey, I didn’t realise some women had special powers that can render decent family men powerless and fall in love with them against their will!!