Page 35 | To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

Kingofx · 2023-09-17T10:59:11+00:00

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse" I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person. I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW. People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice. I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt. AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

ChiaraRimini · 29/09/2023 20:21

Hi OP, out of interest what would you do if a hot man came on to you?

Original poster

Kingofx · 29/09/2023 20:50

My only comment on this is that violence is not the answer and no one deserves it

No one has suggested violence was the answer.

No one.

No one has said anyone deserves violence.

No one even mentioned violence except you.

You're not "standing up to violence".

You're making up imaginary violence and then saying people said things they didn't say and then saying you're being belittled.

If you want to have a discussion listen to what people say:

No one things violence is the answer
No one thinks anyone deserves violence.

We just don't think we would be responsible for it. Try and respond to that rather than making up something else entirely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kingofx · 29/09/2023 20:51

Hi OP, out of interest what would you do if a hot man came on to you?

Tell him I'm married.

OP posts:

TickyTimeBomb · 29/09/2023 20:55

ChiaraRimini · 29/09/2023 20:21

Hi OP, out of interest what would you do if a hot man came on to you?

Why what would you do @ChiaraRimini ?

ChiaraRimini · 01/10/2023 20:06

Kingofx · 29/09/2023 20:51

Hi OP, out of interest what would you do if a hot man came on to you?

Tell him I'm married.

So why are you fixated on blaming the "OW"? If it's so easy for you to say no to an approach then why isn't it that easy for your husband?

ChiaraRimini · 01/10/2023 20:09

@TickyTimeBomb chance would be a fine thing, but I'm single. no way I'd go near a married man just FYI.

Original poster

Kingofx · 01/10/2023 22:08

@ChiaraRimini

So why are you fixated on blaming the "OW"? If it's so easy for you to say no to an approach then why isn't it that easy for your husband?

What makes you think I am "fixated on blaming the OW". Literally the title of the thread says also blame.

I'd imagine it's very easy for everyone to not have sex with people if they choose not to.

I've certainly never had a problem doing it!

OP posts:

Orange67 · 02/10/2023 07:00

Kingofx · 01/10/2023 22:08

@ChiaraRimini

So why are you fixated on blaming the "OW"? If it's so easy for you to say no to an approach then why isn't it that easy for your husband?

What makes you think I am "fixated on blaming the OW". Literally the title of the thread says also blame.

I'd imagine it's very easy for everyone to not have sex with people if they choose not to.

I've certainly never had a problem doing it!

Then why do you think your OW "took" your husband away like you described in detail a few pages back? 😂😂😂

Why couldn't your husband very easily say no?

November2024Mummy · 02/10/2023 07:59

Because the discussion is about the OW's role so that's why she discussed that aspect. You'll be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks the husband is in the right/is blamesless

Original poster

Kingofx · 02/10/2023 10:20

@Orange67

"Took my husband away" cor blimey. You lot do love trying to push women into little boxes.

What I actually said was she was the persuer. I think I also very clearly described what a prick (think I used the words "weak" and "pathetic") he was for not saying no. 🙄

He shagged her drunk a few times and she was laterally subject to a restraining order and an HR warning. "Took my husband away" 😒

Are you by any chance an OW yourself? I'm aware many people have commented on this thread and statistically 1 in 5 women are or have been the OW and it feels like they might be the ones trying to ronanticises affair partners a bit!

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 02/10/2023 11:10

But the point has been made time and time again, just because you are persued doesn't mean you can't grow a fucking backbone and say no.

Oh those, poor men, persued and chased by a woman until they just had not choice but to relent and have sex with her. Must have been terrible for them.

November2024Mummy · 02/10/2023 11:31

But nobody is saying poor men. It's shit behaviour and anyone who's been cheated on knows the anger and sadness of finding out about cheating. You just feel sick.

Actively pursuing a man (or woman) who is married is shitty behaviour.

The other one can say no, that doesn't mean that OW/OM is off the hook. They take accountability for their role in participating in that.

Original poster

Kingofx · 02/10/2023 11:56

People keep characterising things wrongly. No one has said you can't say no. They have said SOMETIMES the woman is the persuer and SOMETIMES she is deliberately targeting a married man as a potential partner.

No one has said the married man can't say no.

The point that's being made is that (male or female) people often do end up having affairs due to the opportunity being offered, flattery, and pursuit by the other man / woman.

This is important to acknowledge because this thread is about that. It doesn't mean the married person can't say no, but it does mean the person pursuing someone they know is married isn't innocent of blame.

That's all

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 02/10/2023 12:00

Kingofx · 02/10/2023 11:56

People keep characterising things wrongly. No one has said you can't say no. They have said SOMETIMES the woman is the persuer and SOMETIMES she is deliberately targeting a married man as a potential partner.

No one has said the married man can't say no.

The point that's being made is that (male or female) people often do end up having affairs due to the opportunity being offered, flattery, and pursuit by the other man / woman.

This is important to acknowledge because this thread is about that. It doesn't mean the married person can't say no, but it does mean the person pursuing someone they know is married isn't innocent of blame.

That's all

But my honest answer to that is, who gives a fuck? A single woman can pursue who she wants. She's made no promises.

Sure, it's not kind behaviour. But on here everyone is ALWAYS banging on about women having the strength to be more selfish, not being a people pleaser, prioritising your own pleasure, holding boundaries etc etc.

Can't have it both ways.

TickyTimeBomb · 02/10/2023 14:28

When a woman actively agrees to have a relationship with a married man, she has to agree to a specific set of rules to push the relationship forward.

This is the engine of the dynamic, she has to be in full agreement of the timetable that ensues, she must fit in, she must put her pride to one side and be available to fit in so as the wife has no awareness of her.
You could list the many, many ways of how this happens and the knowledge that has to be aquired through technology that enables two people to covertly communicate without another person being aware.

To sideline and puposefully allienate an innocent person is obviously a really shitty thing to do, in any area of life, but this arena in my opinion is extra cruel often including the disrespecting of children into the bargain.

One could argue that it is a one sided plan of deception but anyone knows it takes two duplicitous people, and sometimes women do look at other women and think, what's up with you, why do you not respect how hard it is to keep a family unit together, women tend to be disgusted with ow who show no signs of female nurturing qualities, the inate qualities that differenciate between men and women.

We see ow who are easily led, or pushing the behaviour with the same consequenses as lacking in empathetic nuturing skills.

Rightly or wrongly ow tend to negate the part they play and blame the male, for many women it feels like an inate malfunction of another woman of our sex.

We all know men are different to women, what we can't understand is some women being different to other women.

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 14:31

@TickyTimeBomb Men are different to women but when it comes to cheating the mindset of a male cheat and the mindset of a female cheat (e.g. the excuses they make to themselves to assuage guilt; blaming the innocent party for their behaviour; initial lack of remorse if discovered etc) are remarkably similar.

YukoandHiro · 02/10/2023 14:36

TickyTimeBomb · 02/10/2023 14:28

When a woman actively agrees to have a relationship with a married man, she has to agree to a specific set of rules to push the relationship forward.

This is the engine of the dynamic, she has to be in full agreement of the timetable that ensues, she must fit in, she must put her pride to one side and be available to fit in so as the wife has no awareness of her.
You could list the many, many ways of how this happens and the knowledge that has to be aquired through technology that enables two people to covertly communicate without another person being aware.

To sideline and puposefully allienate an innocent person is obviously a really shitty thing to do, in any area of life, but this arena in my opinion is extra cruel often including the disrespecting of children into the bargain.

One could argue that it is a one sided plan of deception but anyone knows it takes two duplicitous people, and sometimes women do look at other women and think, what's up with you, why do you not respect how hard it is to keep a family unit together, women tend to be disgusted with ow who show no signs of female nurturing qualities, the inate qualities that differenciate between men and women.

We see ow who are easily led, or pushing the behaviour with the same consequenses as lacking in empathetic nuturing skills.

Rightly or wrongly ow tend to negate the part they play and blame the male, for many women it feels like an inate malfunction of another woman of our sex.

We all know men are different to women, what we can't understand is some women being different to other women.

A man wrote this.

All these things are true, but lots of women are selfish and disrespectful. They are not innately nurturing.

It's a scum bag thing to do. But so are a lot of things that people do eg ghosting long standing friends, throwing their kids out when they're in crisis, going NC with difficult family.

The woman isn't to "blame" for the impact on the family if they're not married themselves. The man is.

TickyTimeBomb · 02/10/2023 14:52

A man wrote this.

Is that what you have deduced.

It's a scum bag thing to do. But so are a lot of things that people do
eg ghosting long standing friends, throwing their kids out when they're
in crisis, going NC with difficult family.

I think these behaviours are the knowledge of an ow who has been through a rather fun time then had to wake up and smell the coffee due to the consequenses of an affair.
That's what I've deduced.

Orange67 · 02/10/2023 20:13

OP, please don't come at me with petty insults saying I must be an OW because I have pointed out that you've written several posts saying your husband was taken away by another woman, she pursued him, he was chased and she made it happen.

You write like your husband is a helpless bystander in his life and the affair happened because of the OW. The affair happened because your husband couldn't just say no. That is the ONLY reason it happened. No matter what another woman does, a faithful husband will say no and it will never happen. Just as you said it was so easy to say no.

Of course I'm an OW for knowing my husband would be the only person to blame for an affair within our two person marriage.

Orange67 · 02/10/2023 20:15

CornishGem1975 · 02/10/2023 11:10

But the point has been made time and time again, just because you are persued doesn't mean you can't grow a fucking backbone and say no.

Oh those, poor men, persued and chased by a woman until they just had not choice but to relent and have sex with her. Must have been terrible for them.

Literally this.

OP wants it both ways.

MintTrackies · 02/10/2023 20:19

OW are cunts

Original poster

Kingofx · 02/10/2023 20:30

@Orange67

I asked if you were an OW. As you consider OW blameless, I'm confused over why that's an insult. Your hostility towards cheated on wives caused me to think you were. As I said, around 20% of women are, or have been OW, and likely (given the thread title) many are commenting here. Which is probably why some of them are keen to be hostile towards the wife while casting the OW as innocent.

I've never characterised my husband as blameless. On this thread I have called him every name under the sun, and in life, I divorced him!

I've stated the simple fact: he was not the persuer. She was. Hence we needed a restraining order to get rid of her. The only person "taken away" was her, in a police car, twice.

You are perfectly capable of stating opinions without trying to twist facts in order to support them.

OP posts:

ChiaraRimini · 03/10/2023 18:18

Kingofx · 02/10/2023 20:30

@Orange67

I asked if you were an OW. As you consider OW blameless, I'm confused over why that's an insult. Your hostility towards cheated on wives caused me to think you were. As I said, around 20% of women are, or have been OW, and likely (given the thread title) many are commenting here. Which is probably why some of them are keen to be hostile towards the wife while casting the OW as innocent.

I've never characterised my husband as blameless. On this thread I have called him every name under the sun, and in life, I divorced him!

I've stated the simple fact: he was not the persuer. She was. Hence we needed a restraining order to get rid of her. The only person "taken away" was her, in a police car, twice.

You are perfectly capable of stating opinions without trying to twist facts in order to support them.

I think you need to deal with your own situation OP, which sounds really awful, and I get how angry you are about it. But bluntly, raging at "OWs" in general isn't going to help you. "OWs" are all individuals, some are fucked-up people, some have been told a pack of lies but they aren't working together in some conspiracy against wives.

ChiaraRimini · 03/10/2023 18:22

PS I see you've divorced now. I really think you should concentrate on your own future now. You say you are a member of a online infidelity support group and I wonder if this is helping you or if you are "stuck" and can't move on while you keep fanning the flames of your own anger with it.

bingbongbang23 · 03/10/2023 18:32

Kingofx · 02/10/2023 20:30

@Orange67

I asked if you were an OW. As you consider OW blameless, I'm confused over why that's an insult. Your hostility towards cheated on wives caused me to think you were. As I said, around 20% of women are, or have been OW, and likely (given the thread title) many are commenting here. Which is probably why some of them are keen to be hostile towards the wife while casting the OW as innocent.

I've never characterised my husband as blameless. On this thread I have called him every name under the sun, and in life, I divorced him!

I've stated the simple fact: he was not the persuer. She was. Hence we needed a restraining order to get rid of her. The only person "taken away" was her, in a police car, twice.

You are perfectly capable of stating opinions without trying to twist facts in order to support them.

I am not sure I see @Orange67 being hostile to the betrayed wife, poster is merely pointing out that it is up to the husband to say no.

Even if Jennifer Anniston (fictional example of someone universally liked and considered beautiful by many) was naked and hitting on husband, he could still say no. He has a choice. To cheat or not. That's about the sum of it.