Am I too relaxed about my child at soft play? Or are others too uptight ?

[alloverthem]

I recently took my DD and DS to a small soft play that we frequent a lot.

I mean, usually several times a week.

It's small and safe and I really love it and my kids get the interaction with other kids and I actually find it easier being there than just sitting at home with them for example.

It's interesting to watch different parenting styles in there and I've noticed a few things.

There are frequent scuffles between the kids but actually not that often. The kids play well together in general I would say. Often they chase each other around and play fight too and it's nice to watch.

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff and there are lots of parents that are ' relaxed ' about it. So will apologise if their child makes my child cry and I always say don't worry it's all good- they all do it. It will be my one that starts on yours next time or something like that.

But then there are some parents who are really precious about everything. They don't give their child any space at all ( it's a tiny soft play ) and hover around them constantly and get involved in every single little thing. The other day my DD was playing with another girl and they were chasing each other around a padded area and getting foam blocks and running into each other with them. It was totally under control and not too rough and they were having a wale of a time. I was watching the entire thing and so was the other mum, who kept telling my DD off for pushing ( which she wasn't ). It was a totally innocent scenario and it really annoyed me. It's not the first time I've seen stuff like this. Another time a mum seemed generally angry that her son was crying because my DD took a block from him- my DD cried too when her son was taking the block from her. It was a normal scuffle, you tell them to behave / remove them and apologise and move on.

Why do some mums feel so aggrieved by normal childhood play? I can't remember my parents getting upset and involved in every tiny interaction at a soft play when I was younger. Can't we let them just be a little bit ? We are there for them when it gets dangerous and comfort them when they're upset, but to actually get huffy and puffy about 3 year olds snatching foam blocks from one another - is that really how precious us millennial parents are ?

I know they'll be people who'll accuse my DD of being a bad child etc. but it's not that. She's just normal and plays normally.

Anyway, it's either that I'm too relaxed or others are way too uptight.

Yanbu. One of the reasons I don't go to soft play any more. Its bloody stressful. I mean unless the child is being blatantly horrible then fair enough or someone is injured. Otherwise kids don't seem to be allowed to play any more and are micromanage and told how to play.
My neighbour does this. The whole day is structured to the point you can't breathe out of line. Play is instructed and micromanage. They can't just be left to play. They are 7 and 5 so old enough to play alone. I don't think the actually know how to play without instructions now

We all parent differently, and there are always two sides - you've made yourself sound completely reasonable and them less so, but perhaps the other parents might make themselves sound like the reasonable one if they were to tell it? In most things it's best if a happy medium between completely relaxed and completely involved can be found. One anecdote won't really give us the bigger picture here, regarding where you sit.

I agree with you OP. Exuberant playing is normal and the helicopter parents micromanaging their children playing can no doubt congratulate themselves on producing lots of anxiety issues in their poor kids.

I know someone whose 7yo was pushed by a boy in her class in the playground. The dad marched round to the boys house - his mum was a recent widow - and demanded he come out and give her an apology. I’d have told him to fuck right off.

You do get the other end of the spectrum though. The only time I ever had to speak to a stranger parent was when DD was 3 and was clothes lined by a boy twice her age in a soft play - the mum said “Oh he’s just very boisterous” I now have a 6yo boy and wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour from him to a 3yo.

3 is a difficult age to asses, as a few months can make a lot of difference. Eg. A tall 2yo might look similar size, but require far more suport. Likewise a smaller 4yo might see a younger 3 as a peer, but actually be far more rough and tumble then the younger one is comfortable with.

In your example I would expect a child to be told not to snatch. I wouldn't be angry that it happened, little kids don't know better, but I would pissed off if a parent sat watching without telling their kid no & to give it back (you say your kid cried when the other snatched it back suggesting they had not been made to return it)

Dd has special needs so yes I do follow her around. The one time I didn’t she accidentally knocked a child down and the mum marched over to me wanting to fight! So can’t be too careful now.

All dc have different needs and all parents approach things differently. Rather than criticising, try to look at it as interesting there’s differences and realise that maybe they’ve had other experiences from you that made them parent how that parent.

That's just an example of parents being too much with this mum. They knock each other down sometimes in soft play, by accident. You can't stop it all the time. That's why it's called ' soft ' play. It's unlikely they'd get hurt there. My DD gets knocked about sometimes and she comes and says that she got pushed etc. I give her a cuddle and send her back, I would never confront a parent about it. Of course if there's an actual fight or something going on, that's different.

Sorry that this mum was horrible to you.

In your example I would expect a child to be told not to snatch. I wouldn't be angry that it happened, little kids don't know better, but I would pissed off if a parent sat watching without telling their kid no & to give it back (you say your kid cried when the other snatched it back suggesting they had not been made to return it)

Ah no actually. The other kid started it. Then it was a a back and forth and I did intervene and they both ended up crying. It was the mum who only realised once her son was crying and then seemed pissed off about it.

I agree that some people overreact to kids falling out. However I also see lots of kids behaving awfully and their parents ate not even watching them. They in fact don't bother supervising at all. I find that worse.

Our DS has eds hypermobility, and could easily dislocate something if things get too rough, so yes, I'm one of those parents at soft play.

I agree with you OP re your approach. People always comment on DDs being happy to run off and play with others at parties/soft play/parks, but I think that’s mainly because I’ve left them to it unless they needed me. I’m a primary school teacher and just figured that they’d have to be able to fend for themselves on a playground eventually.

However, if others want to hover round their children then I’d just ignore and leave them to it. Each to their own and all that.

I agree with this, gentle supervision but letting them work things out on their own seems to be the most balanced approach for me. Of course some children will need more watching for various reasons but for the majority they should be allowed a bit of freedom to learn I would think.

I have a special needs kid too.

Things he does/did as follows

• would get confused and remove both hands when climbing up a ladder…
• does not put hands out when he falls
• seeks pressure and so actively encourages other children to land on top of him
• can’t always judge his position in space and time
• can’t always communicate needs to other children

Multiple face injuries, bruises etc have resulted from this, as well as a concussion when a little girl flung him round on a spinning thing and he came off landing head first into a metal bar (you know in the frame of the soft play… it isn’t all soft)

For a really long while we had to be right there beside him.

Also autistics really really struggle with sharing so this mentality that it’s fine for kids to snatch etc without asking really sets a bad example/sets them back if that’s what they’re experiencing/seeing.

For all you know the parent has been trying to teach the child appropriate social skills and then it’s all undone when your child is rude, so they’re justifiably annoyed.

Well I agree to a certain extent that you need to leave kids to get on with it and work it out for themselves. But you do also need to be ready to step in if necessary. There always seems to be at least one kid in these places that is just running about battering others because they know no one is watching them and so they won't get told off. I've frequently seen kids look around to check before shoving someone to the floor or similar. Yes, kids need to given some freedom. But they also need to be told when their behaviour is unacceptable otherwise they won't learn.
I know someone who is very much of the 'leave the kids to it' persuasion and would get all offended if she heard someone telling their child to stay away from them. But it was always her child pushing/snatching/hitting without being told off. Now they are a bit older they are a bit of a nightmare to be honest.

Children need space to learn how to make friends, play and interact to discover the social skills they require as they grow up. Conflict resolution, social boundaries etc are all set out early in life.
I tend to watch DC playing so that nothing gets out of hand but generally I like them to resolve situations themselves, if someone is doing something that they don't like or being too rough they have been taught to stand up for themselves and speak up if they feel boundaries have been crossed.

I also try hard to teach my child social. No one has a right to be annoyed about children doing normal things. Don't take them to soft play if it annoys you so much that a child may snatch from your child. It's the risk you take.

Totally agree.

This is an interesting conversation. I have an 18 month old who I’ve always ‘hovered’ around at soft play because I’m scared of leaving him.
I understand this situation is in relation to a 3 year old though and I do agree it’s good to leave the child alone to a certain extent, so that they can develop their independence. What age do parents take a step back and leave the child to it?

I have an 18 month old too and it all depends on the size of the soft play and the types of kids that are in it at the time. If it's quiet, I let him roam around and he can get around it on his own. But I can see the entire soft play at all times. If there are a lot of kids or if I couldn't see parts of it, then I wouldn't be as relaxed. I would go in after him. Often my small one gets bashed around by older kids ( not intentionally ) - I don't get annoyed at the kids parents for letting that happen. I take him out instead.

Well obviously an 18mo needs supervising!

However age 3 is fine to step away and leave them to it as long as they’re in an age appropriate space

@alloverthem

I’m not about to stop my child going to soft play because of potential bratty behaviour.

I gave the example to show that you shouldn’t be so judgemental, some parents need to stick close by their kids or want to, it is up to them.

I am with other people - largely you leave them to their own devices but if they are running around making others cry or physically hurting them you need to step in and correct the behaviour.

It's not just about sticking close to their kids. It's about getting annoyed with kids for doing normal things kids do and for acting all huffy and puffy towards other parents when normal behaviour has taken place that the parent did correct the child for. But still they huff and puff because they're child is crying. My child cries too but I don't blame the parents or the child for it. It just happens. They're all learning. Unless you just sit there not caring about what your child is doing and letting them bulldoze around the place hurting everyone, it doesn't deserve that reaction from another parent.

*their

1000%.

I couldn’t care less if my 2 year old has a fall out with another child (probably because she’s Autistic and she doesn’t like other children anyway so this would be a rare occasion).

What I do care about is when parents don’t even keep on eye on their child. Even allowing a 3 year old to snatch something off of another child isn’t okay

Just because YOU don’t care, that doesn’t mean that other parents shouldn’t care too.

It’s normal for young children to snatch things from others, it’s normal for young children to push and even hit one another. Does that mean it’s okay? No. If your child does this to another child then you should step in and let them know it isn’t okay.

Parents are still allowed to be annoyed that something like that has happened to their child so I’m not really sure what the problem is? Some brush it off, some stay annoyed. It’s life!