Am I too relaxed about my child at soft play? Or are others too uptight ?

[alloverthem]

I recently took my DD and DS to a small soft play that we frequent a lot.

I mean, usually several times a week.

It's small and safe and I really love it and my kids get the interaction with other kids and I actually find it easier being there than just sitting at home with them for example.

It's interesting to watch different parenting styles in there and I've noticed a few things.

There are frequent scuffles between the kids but actually not that often. The kids play well together in general I would say. Often they chase each other around and play fight too and it's nice to watch.

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff and there are lots of parents that are ' relaxed ' about it. So will apologise if their child makes my child cry and I always say don't worry it's all good- they all do it. It will be my one that starts on yours next time or something like that.

But then there are some parents who are really precious about everything. They don't give their child any space at all ( it's a tiny soft play ) and hover around them constantly and get involved in every single little thing. The other day my DD was playing with another girl and they were chasing each other around a padded area and getting foam blocks and running into each other with them. It was totally under control and not too rough and they were having a wale of a time. I was watching the entire thing and so was the other mum, who kept telling my DD off for pushing ( which she wasn't ). It was a totally innocent scenario and it really annoyed me. It's not the first time I've seen stuff like this. Another time a mum seemed generally angry that her son was crying because my DD took a block from him- my DD cried too when her son was taking the block from her. It was a normal scuffle, you tell them to behave / remove them and apologise and move on.

Why do some mums feel so aggrieved by normal childhood play? I can't remember my parents getting upset and involved in every tiny interaction at a soft play when I was younger. Can't we let them just be a little bit ? We are there for them when it gets dangerous and comfort them when they're upset, but to actually get huffy and puffy about 3 year olds snatching foam blocks from one another - is that really how precious us millennial parents are ?

I know they'll be people who'll accuse my DD of being a bad child etc. but it's not that. She's just normal and plays normally.

Anyway, it's either that I'm too relaxed or others are way too uptight.

The more other parents abdicate responsibility entirely, the more people like me feel pushed into helicoptering!
I think this is the problem.
No parent wants to step back when the actions of other parents put other children at risk.

In our case instead of feeling pushed into helicoptering, we avoided places that had a high number of non/minimally supervising parents and carers. There are some places we don't go unless it's a birthday party because I don't see why I should have to be hovering for the whole session because some other parents do nothing as their 8-10 year olds charge around everywhere, including areas for younger children.

I "hover", because even in softplay kids can fall off things and injure themselves or get jumped on by other kids etc. Some parents sit at a table drinking coffee staring at their phone and hardly glance up at what their little darling is doing. I don't get involved with small disagreements but remind ds about snatching etc.

Another time all the children were playing monsters and a little boy pulled a little girls dress do stop her getting into something. The girl got upset and the parent seemed genuinely angry about it and was giving evils to the boy and his parent. Even though the Parent stepped right in and told the boy to be gentle and mum and boy apologised for pulling the dress

I would have absolutely been pissed over this. I work very hard to teach my DD about consent and boundaries, another kid restraining her by her dress would be a massive fucking no from me, whether they are playing or not. Playing rough isn't really an excuse and this is an excuse typically applied to boys which is a total bug bear of mine. If the parents stepped in then I don't know why the other parents would be giving continued evils though. If nobody stepped in, I'd say something to the kid myself.

I always have my eyes on my DD in soft play but don't hover. I haven't hovered since she was about 2.5. Any younger than this and parents do need to be closer by IMO. It is important that children learn to navigate situations independently but they also need to know they can look to parents in these situations if they need support. When they start school there are usually minimum 4 TAs in the playground watching over a group of around 30, and 2 members of staff in the classroom, for example, so they still have adults available to help them if they need it. In our school anyway.

There are some places we don't go unless it's a birthday party because I don't see why I should have to be hovering for the whole session because some other parents do nothing as their 8-10 year olds charge around everywhere, including areas for younger children.

Yep. This is the reason I won't set foot in a popular soft play chain. Last time I went in there it was dirtier than a night club, dark, dance music blasting, it literally took me back to being about 20. That plus the 8+ year olds absolutely legging it about, no thank you.

I don't like to use any soft play places where there are generally very large children running and playing chase where there are smaller children climbing and playing, it is a recipe for disaster. One (9ish) was recently running through the seating area and smacked his head on the corner of my chair. I didn't move my chair, he just wasn't looking where he was going and being OTT. I hadn't moved for about 30 mins so had been there for a while. His mum was shooting me a hell of a look and honestly, I hope they learned a lesson about running around a soft play cafe at top speed!

I just don't understand how worked up you'd get over this. This boy is like 3 years old and apologised. I just don't get it. This is just playground stuff that they're learning not to do. The parent stepped in. The child apologised. It does not get me worked up one bit. Normal stuff.

My DD has been scratched and bitten at nursery, I bet you'd be up in arms too about that ? They're learning appropriate behaviour. Not all kids are born perfect !

You're very defensive OP and seem to be slinging personal comments around when I make observations that don't even concern your child?

I said I don't get why they continued giving evils if the parents dealt with it. If it was ignored, or minimised, I'd have been annoyed and stepped in.

I'm not even responding to your nursery comment.

I think you're being defensive. I'm just stating my view on how outraged you seem to be at a little boy pulling a dress. It's just a difference in opinion. It doesn't get me worked up. But it gets you worked up.

The short answer is...both.
You've given examples of parents hovering too much, but you're also more relaxed than I would be about some behaviours. I would have discouraged play fighting for example and also running into each other with blocks. It's all well and good if the children concerned are roughly the same size, but there can be considerable difference in size and strength at the same age and a child could be hurt.
Also, fighting, snatching, and using equipment in a way its not intended are not things likely to be tolerated in school, so its a good idea to introduce social norms earlier rather than later imo.

It doesn't get me worked up. But it gets you worked up.

The fact that you had to bring up your child getting scratched and bitten at nursery, and saying "you bet I'd be up in arms at that too", speaks the contrary. I came to this post neither disagreeing or agreeing with you and I really don't know what you want from this thread if you're going to try to make a jab at posters who aren't even commenting on you or your child's behaviour.

Have a good day.

The post was never really about my child's behaviour. Some posters have chosen to make it about that.

I think that the way you'd get really pissed off about the boy pulling the girls dress is exactly what I was referring to from the beginning. It's fine if that's how you feel, but to me it's an overreaction and a bit unnecessary and I can tell when parents are like this and I made a post to start a debate about parents getting annoyed when there are these scenarios at soft play.

Have a good day too.

If your child is still taking stuff off others without asking maybe they are a bit young for soft play?

This is why I'm grateful my youngest prefers the library over soft play, in fact when we do go to soft play our one has a reading corner and she will hide herself in a tent looking at books the entire time. (Her big sister lives soft play so we do still go sometimes). Some children are more sensitive than others, the amount of tears I've had to deal with because a child has hit my youngest over the head with a foam block, or snatched something from her, or grabbed her and tried to pull her along to play with them just makes it stressful.
Now these can be perfectly normal stages of development and playing and I would never get angry, but if the adults with said child aren't intervening then I will. My child isn't good at standing up for herself, she needs to learn yes but right now she can't advocate for herself so I will (again, it's never telling a child off, simply saying can we not do that please - and if they do continue then a slightly firmer, she doesn't like that, find someone else to play with). I have to hover because she won't come and tell me she's upset.

Sounds perfectly reasonable !

So judgemental. Mind your own business. You parent your children how you see fit, and let others do the same.

Well, it's not really 'parenting' to get annoyed at three year olds snatching foam blocks from each other. That really has zero to do with parenting. It's more about the parent and their need to control everything around their child and feeling like they have some sort of right for their child to only have positive experiences in life.

The attitude continues and it shows later on...

I’m still stuck at “I take my children to soft play several times a week “

Surely several times a year is too much?!

I would honestly be suicidal. Aren’t you bored shitless?

It's a soft play at a gym / leisure centre where we do lots of other activities too. It's usually combined with swimming. It's really tiny and we don't just go there for the soft play. There's also a play ground and a park nearby.

We usually pop in and out. Maybe twice a week. Some weeks more, some weeks less. Lots of parents do the same. It's not a soft play we pay for each time we use it.

I think I was pretty hands-off but I wouldn’t consider scuffles or play fights to be normal 3yo behaviour at all and would certainly intervene in anything like that. I think you’re presenting yourself as a happy medium, op, but to me you sound far too disengaged.

Another post where OP has mind their mind up and has no interest in anyone’s opinions unless they completely align with their own. Complete waste of time.

I do agree with parents shouldn’t really be getting aggy with little children for snatching things off of other children because they all do it. But with regards to parents going in soft plays with their children I think it depends on the child and the size of the soft play area/ age range of other children that are also playing there, my 2yo is very petite for her age and often gets things snatched from her and is constantly getting pushed over in soft plays to the point of it knocking her confidence and not wanting to go in anymore so I now tend to go in with her to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. An example of a time I let her go in alone a boy pushed her to the floor and punched her which I witnessed. However we do have a really small soft play near our house which during term time I take her to and let her go in alone whilst I watch. Just because some child’s parents go in with them doesn’t mean they’re right or wrong for doing it we all parent different. Also some children may have disabilities that may not be visible and need the extra support of a parent going in with them so I think you should stop worrying about what other people are doing with their children and just do whatever’s right for you with yours.

I think you've got the balance right, OP 👍
Within reason, they need to learn to navigate these things for themselves. Mum won't be there in the classroom!

I watch my son but don't follow him round. He's 3 and has SEN but isn't social. I was a bit pissed off last time we went. My DS was playing in the ball pool and another little girl also got in. She then grabbed my DS by his hair and yanked. He didn't respond and her mum said to me Oh she's a little madman but didn't tell her daughter off for hurting my DS.
Did put me off a bit.

My bottom line here is is anyone being hurt? If your kid is trying to hurt others, you need to be in there stopping them. If your kid is repeatedly accidently hurting others, maybe because they are at a stage that means they don't understand what will hurt, you need to be in there watching them. I don't mean like if they mis judge one gap or something, but if they are repeatedly pushing other kids, or not waiting their turn. Also though remember that other kids may not be as they seem - they may be disabled or older or younger than they appear. I was often a hovering parent in soft play because my kid was always tall and strong for his age. This meant that he would play like the 2 year old he was, while having the size and strength of a 3 -3.5 year old. Where this often led us was that he would play with another 2 year old, and would generally play appropriately for a 2 year old, but would push over or squash the other kid, because using his strength against them, without knowing to curb it, would knock them down.

Bit of a tangent, but…. What age do they start wanting to explore on their own a bit? My little girl turned 2 a few months ago. I probably look like ones of those parents who is always hovering but my little girl won’t go and play unless I’m with her. She has me up and down the damn frame, in the ball pits, down the slides…. ‘Come on mummy’ is literally all I hear 😂😂😂. Iv had to stop going as I’m now 33 weeks pregnant and can’t face the sheer effort of a Velcro toddler at soft play x

Everyone is different.
Everyone parents in a different way because of their own experiences.

I wouldn’t say either approach is good or bad it just depends on the child/family and particular situation. Also it depends on the child - I was like a hawk with my first born son with ASD but my second born I could trust that things wouldn’t escalate. Also depends on the day and what’s been going on in their lives. For all you know the huffy puffy mum could have just had a bereavement/split from partner.

Just respect the fact that everyone is different