Am I too relaxed about my child at soft play? Or are others too uptight ?

[alloverthem]

I recently took my DD and DS to a small soft play that we frequent a lot.

I mean, usually several times a week.

It's small and safe and I really love it and my kids get the interaction with other kids and I actually find it easier being there than just sitting at home with them for example.

It's interesting to watch different parenting styles in there and I've noticed a few things.

There are frequent scuffles between the kids but actually not that often. The kids play well together in general I would say. Often they chase each other around and play fight too and it's nice to watch.

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff and there are lots of parents that are ' relaxed ' about it. So will apologise if their child makes my child cry and I always say don't worry it's all good- they all do it. It will be my one that starts on yours next time or something like that.

But then there are some parents who are really precious about everything. They don't give their child any space at all ( it's a tiny soft play ) and hover around them constantly and get involved in every single little thing. The other day my DD was playing with another girl and they were chasing each other around a padded area and getting foam blocks and running into each other with them. It was totally under control and not too rough and they were having a wale of a time. I was watching the entire thing and so was the other mum, who kept telling my DD off for pushing ( which she wasn't ). It was a totally innocent scenario and it really annoyed me. It's not the first time I've seen stuff like this. Another time a mum seemed generally angry that her son was crying because my DD took a block from him- my DD cried too when her son was taking the block from her. It was a normal scuffle, you tell them to behave / remove them and apologise and move on.

Why do some mums feel so aggrieved by normal childhood play? I can't remember my parents getting upset and involved in every tiny interaction at a soft play when I was younger. Can't we let them just be a little bit ? We are there for them when it gets dangerous and comfort them when they're upset, but to actually get huffy and puffy about 3 year olds snatching foam blocks from one another - is that really how precious us millennial parents are ?

I know they'll be people who'll accuse my DD of being a bad child etc. but it's not that. She's just normal and plays normally.

Anyway, it's either that I'm too relaxed or others are way too uptight.

Children that age usually need some parent or at least older responsible sibling support to resolve situations. Or at least be on hand to step in when needed. So many parents seem to think soft play is childcare and they are absolved of their responsibilities.

A child met my child (probably both age 3) in a soft play tunnel, grabbed her and pulled her hair, hard and repeatedly. My child was screaming. I was one of "those" parents who was right there because DD needs extra support but because it was in the tunnel she couldn't get out or run away and I couldn't easily get there to intervene but managed to squeeze past my DD and put a stop to it. I was really pissed off with the parent who probably had a similar attitude to you about letting their child "resolve things themselves" and didn't even notice what had happened. Luckily because I followed my child around I was able to stop it. What do you suggest in instances like that?

Op is wrong for saying your child will grow up to be a brat. Her child could equally be a 'feral' brat or whatever.

Equally, it's a bit rich to call op lazy when your child isn't even old enough to be in soft play. Of course parents want a break sometimes, especially when there's two of them. As long as you're keeping an eye most of the time, it's all good

I generally let them get on with it rather than follow them about. But I’m watching from afar and will step in as needed.

if they have a falling out then I’ll give them the chance to sort it out with the other child as this is a really important skill to develop. But if it’s not happening then I’ll intervene.

I will also speak to other peoples kids if they are out of hand and nobody is stepping in.

Yes some of the parents sound ott but I used to be called ott for hovering, generally from people who’d thank me because I brought back their child after they’d been knocked over/ bashed into etc etc (I can’t think of other examples but there were!!)

I agree.

We always hear "why do children nowadays suffer so much anxiety and MH problems"

I think their society around them has a dramatic effect.

Helicopter parents.

Parents who tell other children off for doing what their doing - then attend school where they learn that they do need to behave as others do.

Not being given a chance to develop negation skills or stand up for themselves or learn natural social heirachy. Then onto phones where you don't get a human reaction and so when something occurs face to face you don't have the skills to negotiate it.

Complete control over school wear regardless of their size, shape etc. negative points for simple everyday things such as forgetting a pen - which when you've grown up being hovered over seems even more of a big deal.

I remember being told if I did something stupid and got hurt it's because I did something stupid. 🤣 we learnt to risk assess from an early age.

We learned that if we disagreed with someone it was up to us to negotiate our way out of it. Don't get me wrong - when I was bullied my mum was 100% there standing up for me. But simple disagreements - sort it yourself!

Different kids have different personalities. DD (3) is very chilled and can fight her own corner. I wouldn’t worry about her at all. DS (5) is being assessed for ASD and whilst he’s not wildly ‘different’ from neurotypical children, he’s very sensitive and would find bigger, boisterous children difficult to handle, or would get wildly overexcited and end up hurting somebody.

I also think that whilst you don’t have to get ‘involved’ it is good parenting to remind your children that ‘we don’t snatch/hit/push’ or ‘we make sure people are enjoying the game and stop if they seem upset’.

Plus I’m shit at talking to other mums so find hanging around near my kids easier 😂 I usually end up entertaining someone else’s child!

itsgettingweird
I don't entirely disagree with you, but I as a fairly laid back parent with independent children I do think it's quite interesting to observe soft play.

There's a big difference, even at a distance, between independent and resilient children who can solve disagreements, problem solve, work through the social element of making a game up with new children etc and the sort of behaviours displayed by children whose parents are lazy and don't bother to supervise. I have my suspicions that they're also the parents who let their children shriek and run around everywhere because "they're just kids, it's what kids do, people hate seeing kids have fun" 🤯🔫

It's a similar issue when people discuss gentle parenting. Gentle parenting involves respectfully holding boundaries and supporting a child through their emotions. A hell of a lot of permissive parents do fuck all, have no boundaries and claim it's because they're gentle parenting.

Same with supervision in soft play and children's play areas. There's parents who promote age appropriate independence and adequately supervise their children. There are also a hell of a lot of parents who are lazy, think soft place is easy peace and quiet whilst they drink their coffee and then justify their children's hitting/pushing/shoving/domineering behaviour/snatching etc as it's kids being kids, I'm not like the other parents. I'm the cool parent. They're helicopter parents. Not like me because I let mine run wild so they think it's fine to do what they like with other kids

My daughter is 2 and she goes around soft play by herself. If she hurts somebody, I tell her straight away and she apologies.

However, I very rarely intervene when another child hurts/is mean to her. She always either walks away absolutely fine or she'll hit back and I do think that's because we've left her to get on with things.

Depends on the kids. DS was a confident kid and could hold his own with others. DD is a lot more shy and will get trampled on but ruder and more entitled kids so I'm naturally more protective of DD than DS in those situations. Some kids target and bully weaker ones.

I remember taking my then 1yo to a softplay and an older boy (maybe 5yo) was in the babies area throwing things around. My 1yo was scared and didn't want to play, so I gently told him that this was the babies area. His mum came stroming over and told me off for "telling off" her boy. She claimed I should have instead looked for her and told her to tell him to move🙄.

I'm more hands off nowadays tho as my kids are all much older.

I think parents of babies/toddlers may be a bit more helicoptery, esp if it's their first... and perhaps a bit protective of their little ones around bigger kids.

You seem to struggle with the fact that all parents are different and responding to things involving their child differently.

You’ve posted on AIBU. People have tried to give you an insight into why they may react a certain way to ‘kids being kids’ or be close by towards their child. I haven’t seen you address any of those comments yet you’re willing to go back and forth with posters and die on the hill that parents who get annoyed are simply dicks.

You don’t sound that nice OP. If you want other peoples opinions then maybe take what they’re saying on board? If you’re not willing to do that then I’m not sure what the point of posting was.

Last comment from me today. Enjoy judging over parents and have a great day!

Mine is 9 months so too young to run around at soft play in the main area yet but the only issue I have is when children far too old for the baby area barrel on in and mow the babies out of the way without a second thought or take up the small baby ball pool etc.

I absolutely say something then.

However, I very rarely intervene when another child hurts/is mean to her. She always either walks away absolutely fine or she'll hit back and I do think that's because we've left her to get on with things

@Beepbeepoutoftheway please don’t tell me you seriously think your child hitting back is a good thing, due to your parenting? You can’t be serious?!

Wow some of the responses on this are super mean and almost seem targeted or something, bit weird

I get you OP.

@cimena what do you mean by targeted?

This is such a ridiculous thread. Every child is different, some have complex disabilities, complex behaviours or medical issues and often invisible conditions. Therefore if a parent chooses to intervene to help or protect their child, absolutely go for it.

The spite on on this thread is phenomenal.

Every parent and child is different. Firstly, soft plays aren't risk free. I know many children that have had broken bones from falls at soft play.

I also know children with rare health disorders that would see them in hospital from an injury that to anyone else, might be very minor, so yes, their parents follow them around more and try to prevent injury.

What irks me in these spaces are when children are very big (10+) and insist on chasing each other around, narrowly dodging 3/4 year olds. Or when bigger kids 5+ are diving over babies in baby areas. We used to use a small soft play (I mean tiny) near us that had a sign saying max 8 years, and the amount of preteens racing around in there was stupid.

I do also think children need to be encouraged to share spaces, not snatch and not climb up slides so others can't go down them.

My daughter loves soft play, I hate them because there's always an OTT kid with no parent in sight but it is easier now she's older (4).

That's fine and I understand why some parents need to stay closer than others. I actually stay pretty close myself because I want to see how my DD handles situations. I don't always immediately step in when a child is behaving slightly out of turn towards her, as I am trying to teach my DD to either solve it peacefully or to come and tell me. That's also what we've been doing at nursery and she's understanding slowly not to react negatively, but to come and tell and adult what has happened.

In any case, staying close isn't really my issue. It's the parents who get upset / angry and act like something terrible has happened just because another child and their child are in a tug of war over a foam block they both want to play with and then their child ends up crying about it ( so does mine ). I take it on the chin and explain / apologise / support my child and they act like this massive situation has taken place when it hasn't.

Another time all the children were playing monsters and a little boy pulled a little girls dress do stop her getting into something. The girl got upset and the parent seemed genuinely angry about it and was giving evils to the boy and his parent. Even though the Parent stepped right in and told the boy to be gentle and mum and boy apologised for pulling the dress.

Same thing has happened to my DD and I just took her aside and gave her a cuddle and said that sometimes games get a little bit rough and children get carried away. The other mum came over and the boy said sorry and off they went running again. I didn't have a shitty attitude about it.

I get it if you're upset when something bad has happened and your child has actually got hurt or you've actually seen them get hit etc. I've never seen that happen at my soft play.

I just think parents who feel so aggrieved by small stuff like the things I've described, need to chill out a bit. Things like that are just going to happen at soft play sometimes. There's no need for a shitty attitude.

I would say 95 percent of parents at the soft play we go to are like me and 5 percent get angry / upset about this stuff. I don't get it. Kids are learning and will make these mistakes and we need to give them time and practice to learn. As long as parents are stepping in, I really don't see the issue.

You never go to soft play but when you do you stay close by? One of these things can’t be true.
Also, if a child upsets your child who you say needs work on his resilience, you step in and retaliate? So you use the power you have as an adult to challenge a child whom you don’t know? In other words, you become the bully.

Yes I do. Judge away 😊

I think you’re a bit unreasonable based on this: “ They knock each other down sometimes in soft play, by accident. “

I think yours are either experiencing more rough play from others or your expectations are a bit out. Neither of mine have ever been knocked down by another child. If you’ve got tiny ones, you’ve got to be careful of them if they’re in with the big kids. I am generally of the ‘let them get on with it” mindset but yours are still very young and I suspect you’re possibly a bit more relaxed than average.

Normal kid behaviour at soft play is fine, but I don’t call snatching and making other kids cry normal behaviour. I have a 3 year old dd and she knows better than to do that. As for hovering around, I do whatever my dd wants. If she’s fine with going in by herself or with her friends than I let her, but sometimes she wants me to go round with her and play with her so I do. I went in one with her the other day and a kid a similar age came up to her and hit her, that’s not ok and I did tell him off.

I’ve never seen any snatching type incidents or scuffles at a soft play.

I have many times seen children behaving with a disregard for the safety of others, knocking younger children etc over whilst they run wild and often bigger kids go into the areas for younger kids. I wish those parents would do something.

I have also returned lost and injured children to their parents.

The more other parents abdicate responsibility entirely, the more people like me feel pushed into helicoptering!

I think you're wrong there. It's still within the range of normal behaviours for this age range. It happens less and less, but it's not abnormal.

At our soft play there are these foam blocks in the baby area and sometimes the children decide to take them all over the soft play and build barricades and that kind of thing. Or they stack them all on the slide and other kids get annoyed and upset about it. Then the parents step in and put the foam blocks back where they belong, kids then follow and there can be scuffles over who wants to play with which block- I have seen kids as old as 4 getting upset about the foam blocks they want etc.

Your children all sound so perfect and well behaved. This is what happens at our soft play sometimes. I didn't think it was such a massive deal, but clearly, most of you think it's absolutely terrible..